Relationships

Relationships. This has been a topic that has been on my mind quite a bit over this last semester. As I begin to fade out of Gordon and a new stage in my life, I have been wondering who my lasting friends will be. Whose friend's weddings will I attend? Who will attend mine? Whose milestones will I take part in? Who will take part in mine? There are so many unanswerable questions about the future, but most of them are centered around relationships. When I say relationships, I don't simply mean the dating kind; I mean the different friendships in which I am a part of. Over this last semester I've been reading a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (if you have not read it, I suggest you do; for guys, read Wild at Heart). This book has given me many insights into the minds of women and men alike. In this recent chapter, it talked about relationships and gave new life to what I perceive of relationships. My favorite line of the entire chapter is this: "When God gives a friend, He is entrusting us with the care of another's heart." How true this is! Think of the close friends in your life. Do you trust them with your heart? If you're anything like me, that can be difficult much of the time and I do not fully trust many people with my heart at all. The authors go onto say that there are different types of friendships. Christ had different types of friendships or "friend circles" when He was on earth. He had the 12 disciples, an inner circle of 3 (James, John, and Peter), and then His followers(acquaintances). We do not need to share everything about our lives with everyone we meet, but we are called to share pieces of ourselves with others. We are called to serve one another and offer our hearts to one another. John and Stasi say this of friendships:

     "Friendships need to be nurtured and guarded and fought for. We need to call one another without waiting to be called first. We need to ask how our friends are doing and really listen to their answers. Listen between the lines. We love our friends by pursuing them - calls, little presents, cards, invitations to play, to go for a walk, to go to a movie. We offer our hearts...We need to pay attention to each other, really see one another. That truly is the greatest gift."

That is such a beautiful description of what I believe friendships are made of. There does not need to be a monetary value attributed to it, simply a heartly value. This looks different for all different types of friendships. Some people may be blessed by small gifts, others may simply want your time, and still others may benefit from encouragement given in times of distress or need as well as in times of happiness. My favorite part of this quote from the books is the idea of nurturing a friendship by pursuing the friend. The idea of pursuing is such a beautiful picture. I wrote in a blog a while back about how I saw God pursuing a man we worked with in Bulembu - Temba. That was such a beautiful and touching situation to watch that I was amazed by how much God really loves us and wants to have a relationship with us. He longs to listen to us and talk to us through His Word. It's not one-sided by any means. Just as a friendship is most beautiful when both people are contributing with their whole hearts; when both care enough about each other to actually listen to what is being said.
For some people this type of relationship can be difficult to acquire and sustain. Our own fears of failure and disappointment linger in our minds and create seeds of doubts in all relationships. God has created us to be in relationships with one another, but our own fallen nature tries to prevent that from happening. We are most fearful and doubtful of others when alone - and not alone as in single, but alone as in isolated. To be in relationship with others requires a sense of vulnerability that scares many - including me. It requires giving and sharing a part of yourself with someone else. But in spite of all of that, it is still better than being isolated. C. S. Lewis says this in the Four Loves:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers...of love is Hell."



"Yet, no matter how wonderful the taste of relational fullness you have, you will want more. If you have an amazing connection yesterday with someone, when you wake this morning, you will want it again. [Eve] possesses a bottomless well of longing. Jesus alone is the never-ending fount, which can slake her thirst. No other source, no other relationship will fully satisfy. God made us that way. On purpose."

While nurturing and pursuing relationships is a necessity, nurturing and pursuing your relationship with God is even more necessary. He is the friend who will always be there when you call. He will never leave you when you need Him and He is the one friend who will not disappoint you. He loves you with a never-ending love and He will never, ever, stop pursuing you. Trust in Him and in your relationship with Him. Relationships with others will follow after. <3

What is my calling?

At Gordon we talk a lot about vocation and calling in life. As I'm nearing the end of my college career, it's been on my mind even more. I love what I'm majoring in - Education. Kids are honestly my passion. Any bad day can be turned good with a little "love" note from them or feeling their hand enter yours as you walk down the hallway. I've been given the opportunity to teach and share love with these amazing kids and I couldn't be more happy about it! My question to myself lately has been: is it my calling to be a teacher? I know that it is good training and that I want to teach, but is it what I'm meant to do for the rest of my life? I know that it's an unanswerable question, but I wonder still.  Another question is am I supposed to be teaching in this country? I can't deny the fact that I left a good amount of myself with those children in Bulembu. I saw the deficits and I know that the training that Gordon has given me can help them. I just can't help them from a half a world away. Is using my training in another country, Africa or not, my vocation? Or am I really meant to stay in this country and help the many kids who need help here? Being in Lynn and seeing these amazing kids, it makes me want to love them unconditionally like I loved my kids in Bulembu. I'm working on that, but it looks so different here. Kids aren't allowed to launch themselves into your arms for a warm hug or sit on your back and play cars.



Look at the joy on my face. I faced some of my hardest times in Bulembu, but I also had more joy than I think I've ever felt there. It was because I was doing what God was calling me to do in His timing and how He wanted me to do it. I, for once, was not in control. I didn't have to choose what I did. It was laid out in our normal schedule. For those of you who know me, you know that I like to be in control of what happens in my life. I hope that I'm not a control freak, but I definitely can have those tendencies. I just want things to go smoothly and if I can do that, then I do it to the best of my abilities. This can create an interesting struggle with God over who really has control over my life. I like to think that I do (HA), but I know that I really am not in control of anything. It's taken me 21 years to come to terms with it, but I think I'm finally getting there. There are so many unanswered questions about my life right now such as: where will I work after graduation? when will I be in a relationship? how will I get through student teaching? is this where God has me right now? and what is my vocation? Sadly and gladly, none of these questions need answers right now. They will each be answered in His timing and not mine and I continue to learn that His timing is perfect while mine is so not. So all in all, I have no answers and yet I will not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about it self (Matthew 6:34).

Thank you, God, for giving me the confidence in knowing that You are leading my life.

My time in Africa

As I was reading through my prior blog posts, I realized that I have never really explained what we did while we were over in Swaziland. Well, it's time to fix that. =)

A normal day (Monday-Friday):
Our weekdays looked very similar to each other because we were on a pretty set routine. I would get up at 6:00am (or earlier) every morning to get ready before most of the house was up. At 6:20am, I would go to Gretchen and Lauren's and Alicia and Sarah's room to wake them up. I know that they just loved hearing my voice every morning! It was a 15 minute warning for devos which were at 6:35am. As the trip went on, I was greeting with grunts and moans and even a "NO!" once by the lovely Gretchen. Our group was not the cheeriest morning crew...at least until they had coffee! =) As I mentioned, devos were at 6:35am and a different person did them every morning. It was on something that was on their heart or that they felt led to share. These were some of my favorite moments on the trip, I have to say. I love hearing what God is doing in other people's lives, especially when you're being stretched and grown by Him.

After devos, everyone would finish getting ready for breakfast and for work that happened directly after the breakfast. Breakfast was at 7am in the lodge. We would take the 2 minute walk from Hyde Park 3 (our house) to the lodge and were greeted by the ever-smiling faces of Phumi and Mzwah (and sometimes Sivi). The lodge staff became some of our dearest friends while we were there. Mzwandile (his nickname was Mzwah because at first we couldn't say his full name) and Sivikelo (same story as Mzwah) were 21 and 20, so our closeness in age became a quick bond that grew over our month there. There's more I'll write about these two, because they deserve a post of their own!  Breakfast was absolutely wonderful. Hot breakfast, eggs any way you wanted them and "bacon" aka ham, was amazing. The cooks there were incredible at what they do and I don't know if I've ever had that good of food for that long (sorry, Mom! =)). If we didn't want eggs, there was a variety of cereals, oatmeals, pancakes, muffins, and fruits that you could eat as well. Now, I never used to eat breakfast. I just didn't have the appetite in the morning. But while I was there, I couldn't get enough food in the morning. And as the trip progressed, we started bringing extra muffins or pieces of fruit to work so that we could have a mid-morning snack!

After breakfast, we would usually have a few minutes to relax and wait until 8am, when we had to be at our work sites or were picked up to be driven to our work sites. Alicia, Ashleigh, Lauren, Gretchen, Donna, Chelsea, and I took about a 5 minute walk down the road to the house we were painting. I already wrote about our beloved Swazi overseer, Temba. He was such a sweet, sweet man. If you haven't read that post, you should! The group of us girls were there every day from 8-12 painting away. We finished all of the inside and most of the outside (picture below). We had a paint mix-up the second to last day so they had to finish the final touches after we left. The other group which was Sam, Joe, Sarah, Matt, and Derek (bless Sarah's heart for being the only girl!) were picked up and driven to the primary school to build a new play structure (picture below).

We did this all morning, every day of the week. It was fun, but there definitely were struggles that went along with it. In the end though, a house was almost ready to furnish and the children had a brand new, amazing playground to play on! I thanked God everyday for giving us hands to do the work that we did.

This brings us to about 12pm. At noon we would head back to the house to shower or change out of our work clothes. Lunch was shortly after and once we finished eating, we had a little bit of free time. Free time could be anything from hanging out in front of the lodge sunbathing (picture on the right, below) to laying out on the front lawn reading (picture on the left, below) or taking a nap. It was time to be with each other as well as time to be alone.




After taking some much needed relaxing time, we would head off to our particular houses for the rest of the afternoon. I don't know if I explained this earlier, but each of us had our own "orphan house". The house had 8 children and their Auntie. We were placed in houses randomly and some of us were paired in houses. Alicia and I had our wonderful house of amazing kids and an even more incredible Auntie. I already wrote one blog post about them (you should read it!). My family is pictured below. I miss them so much! They were each unique and showed me a different part of God's love and of love in general. Some were a little more reserved, but others, like my boy Timmy, would jump into my arms with much abandon. It was refreshing to see them love so completely and so unconditionally. They long for that

affection and attention. Singing with them is a memory I will never forget. The joy that shined out of their most beautiful smiles was one that I long to have. It was so pure and genuine. At the houses, we would play soccer with them, help with laundry, help with homework (I've never said my ABC's so many times!), or simply just sat and talked with them. I miss the ability to just sit and have a conversation with someone without a looming deadline or assignment. It was so incredibly refreshing! I can honestly say that my life has never been simpler than when I was in Bulembu. We got up when they told us to, did the work they had for us, and played with kids for hours. It was perfect! Definitely my idea of simplicity.
We would leave our houses about 5 and have a little downtime for dinner. Some of us would go back to the house or head to the lodge to have a cup of hot cocoa with Mzwa and Sivi, our dear friends who worked in the lodge. Some of the best conversations happened during these times. We would then have dinner which was amazing pretty much every night! The most obscure thing we ate was oxen tail. It was still on the spine...now don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but it was very different to have it attached to the spine. Every meal was amazing and so fresh!
After dinner, we would head back to the house and either journal, talk, or go to bed. We would go to bed so early! Some nights people would be up until 10, but most nights the majority of the house was asleep by 8:30 or so. I've never been on a better sleep schedule than when I was in Bulembu. I wish I could go to bed at 8:30 now!


This was an idea of a normal weekday in Bulembu. This became our routine for better or worse. I wanted to share this because many people have asked about what we did whiel we were there. I hope that this answers questions and piques interests. This Tuesday is our reporting chapel where we get to give a glimpse of what we experienced in a place we came to call home. I'm excited to share about an experience that changed my life and hope that many more get to go to this amazing little town at some point in their lives!

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105
 Continue to be my light, Lord. Shine Your light bright here and all across Your world.

Humbled.

This is a young man we met in Bulembu,Swaziland. His story is amazing and God is working in His life. Listen to his story then look at your own lives. If you're not humbled, then you're not looking inward hard enough.

God, protect Andrew tonight and every night. Guide his path and make Your way known to Him. I pray this not only for Andrew, but for all of your precious children in Bulembu. <3

Create in me a clean heart, O God

I was reading through the journal that I kept in Swaziland today and came across a devotion that I did in one of our morning meetings. It was about Psalm 51:10 which says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Something that I was really convicted of in Swazi was the fact that we tend to use God as an ATM card with no limit. We do this because we read Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." I've heard the phrase, "Don't worry. God promises to give you the desires of your heart," so many times and I know that God does give us the desires of our heart when we delight in Him. But what does it mean to delight in the Lord? I don't have the answer to that one. But what I do know is that we need to have a clean heart before God. David called out to God asking Him to give him a clean heart and a right, or steadfast, spirit. My breakthrough this summer was realizing that before God can give you the desires of your heart, your heart must be clean before Him. God knows our hearts. He knows them better than we know them ourselves, but He still calls us to seek after Him with our whole hearts. ("But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." - Deuteronomy 4:29) ALL of our heart and ALL of our soul means that we've put Him above all else including our desires. We give it all to follow Him and like the perfect Father He is, He rewards us.

God, create in me a clean heart and a right spirit. Help me to follow You with my whole heart. I put my trust and my desires in You and You alone. <3

9/11

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the horrible disaster we call 9/11. I know that every time I see those numbers together, my heart jumps a little with sadness. It seems like so long ago and yet it was only 10 years ago. I was 11. I didn't understand. MSNBC re-aired the newscast from the day in 2001 and as I watched it, I was 11 again. The same feelings were there, but there was greater understanding. When I was 11, I watched the picture of the towers burning. Today, I listened to what the newscasters said. It was a strange mix of sadness and anger because I now know how many people lost their lives that day and it was an incredible tragedy. One of the greatest of our time. I mourn for the families who lost their dear ones and pray that God keeps them in His arms for the rest of their days as He's done the last 10 years. One thing that kept ringing in my mind was that God has not abandoned us. In the midst of this great tragedy, He was still present. He promised to never leave us and He never will.

As you've probably noticed, everything ties back to Swazi for me. It is the same with this situation. I remember being in Swazi without internet or a computer or a phone or tv. It was incredibly freeing and amazing, but we had no idea what was going on back in the states. There was a bad storm and tornado in MA when I was gone and I had no idea that it had happened. I had a nightmare one night that my mom had been killed. Because I couldn't deny that it wasn't true, a part of me believed it for a few days and I struggled in a major way. I was afraid to fully believe it, but once a seed is planted it is hard to uproot. Surprise, surprise, for those few days I couldn't journal or fully engage in my time with God. I realized that I was letting a dream affect me and I decided to not let it anymore. I sought after God with a new intensity and I felt the most overwhelming peace. My mom was fine, God told me. I'd been telling myself the same thing for days, but it wasn't working. The minute God's peace spread over me, I didn't worry anymore because I knew that He was there. Watching over me in Swaziland, and watching over my family in the states. It was a test of learning to not trust only myself but to trust God above all else. It's a process and I'm learning. Thankfully, God is patient because He loves me oh so much. =)

Happy birthday to me...tomorrow ;)

On the eve of my 21st birthday, I find myself unable to do homework. Not surprising because this is an exciting time, but it's for a different reason than the normal excitement that birthdays bring. I find myself thinking of Bulembu and each of the children that reside there. I wonder how many of them have had their birthdays this week and if any of them share a birthday with me. For birthdays in Bulembu, the children are given a doughnut as their present. It would be very hard to find an 8 year old child in the US that would be happy with one doughnut as their present. But these children - these amazing children - are overjoyed at the fact that someone is celebrating them. Some of these children come in without knowing their birthdays. Some of them have to be estimated because there is no record. Either way, birthdays are not the focus of their lives...the family is. Birthdays are more than presents and cakes and party hats. Birthdays are the celebration of someone's life. In Bulembu it's the celebration of someone's life along with the celebration of life in general. These children have hopes and futures and that is definitely something to celebrate more than once a year.

So as I look on to the next stage of my life, I am thankful for my life and where God has led me and where He will lead me in the future. I am overjoyed at the fact that I had the opportunity to fly 8,000 miles to encounter some of the most amazing people I will ever meet in my life. And as I turn the infamous 21 tomorrow, I say a happy birthday to my family and friends who reside in Bulembu. I celebrate your lives daily because my life was impacted by yours and I am forever grateful. <3

random thoughts...

I had an entire blog post ready to put up, but I realized it could all be communicated in a few short sentences:

-I've realized that Swaziland was the single most growing experience in my life and that a lot of the growing up was done when I got back.
-I'm still completely in love with it and long to go back. It helps that I have about 120 pictures up on my wall so I wake up and go to sleep to those memories every night.
-I'm so thankful for Gordon and the things I've learned here. This is a special place and God brought me here for many reasons - some of which I'm starting to see.
-I'm a senior. I'll be in the real world sooner than I think and I'm ready. Gordon and God have prepared me for the next step in my life.
-I have the most amazing friends. They are why I've become who I am. They've each shaped me in different ways and have shown me some of the different ways that Christ can work through people.
-God is incredible. He is constantly surprising me and showing me new sides of Him. He is pursuing me and I'm loving every second of it!


These are my random thoughts of the night. There will be more to come this weekend.

Jeremiah 29:11

One for the moms

I'm officially moved into my new apartment on campus at Gordon! It was a really fun and thought-provoking move. I moved onto campus for the last time. I'm a Senior. What does the rest of my life hold for me? One thing that I could not stop thinking about was how thankful I am for such a wonderful mother. Sure, we have our disagreements, but we are so similar that we usually seem to know what each other is thinking before she says it. I'm thankful for my mom especially since I got back from Bulembu and this is why:

I remember our first Sunday in Bulembu as clearly as if it were yesterday. Walking in to the large one-room structure with a half-built brick wall. They were creating a more sturdy and lasting structure and that was their church. I remember looking at the stage and singing songs, all while being aware of the 300+ orphans sitting behind our team. We hadn't met our families yet, so we sat separate from the kids and Aunties. I'm listening to the children sing songs in siSwati with gusto like I've never heard before. I close my eyes and soak in every sound my ears will hear. I open my eyes and fixate them on the cross behind the worship band. I thank God silently for this amazing opportunity and for these kids. Chelsea and I had volunteered to help with the kid's Sunday School that first week, so we left before the offering to lead the kids over to another building. As we walk out of the building, kids are running by. Some glance our way, but most know they need to get to children's church. All of the sudden, I feel this little hand inside mine. I look down and there is this little girl walking beside me with her hand in mine. She gazes up at me and smiles all while singing the song, Somlandela (I'll post the words to it below). It gave me chills to hear this precious child singing a song about following God wherever He may lead. Another thought struck me as we were walking. The thought that these kids are orphans. I think that word scared me. What does it mean to truly be an orphan? Some may have families outside of Bulembu, some may not. Some may have miraculous stories of being rescued, and some may be in Bulembu for the chance at a better life. Either way, these kids were here without their parents. Some had siblings in Bulembu which was such a blessing! As I contemplated what it meant to truly be an orphan, I was struck by another thought. These kids may be orphans in the technical sense, but they aren't orphans in God's eyes. They have the most amazing Father looking down on them and showering them with the greatest love. They are loved by the Aunties and a family is truly created in the houses. The night we stayed for dinner, some of the older kids and I got to talking about families and after I talked about my family, they shared some of their own personal lives and stories of their families. Timmy came and sat on my lap and I turned to him and asked him if he had any family. He looks at me with a look of genuine confusion and says, "Uh yeah, you know all of them." He meant the family that was in the room with us. Those kids became his family. The Aunties and Timmy's friends became his family. That completely changed the way I thought about family. There are blood relatives which are so great! There are close friends who know you almost as well as relatives. The list goes on and on. Either way, there's more than one way to define a family. When I left Bulembu, I left with 2 more families: my team and my Swazi family.

You may be wondering what this has to do with my own mother. Well, as you know, in the houses there are Aunties. I couldn't help but think that my mom would love being an Auntie in one of the houses.They pour themselves so selflessly into those kids and do so willingingly. Sure, there are some conflicts, but they handle them with grace and look to Christ for guidance. My mother has done that my entire life, but most notably the last few weeks. I worked a little bit this summer to make some money, but for most of it I was catching up on dentist and doctor appointments. They were much needed and this was the first time in years I'd taken the time to do them. When I found out I had to have my wisdom teeth out, I knew it had to be at least 2 weeks before the insanity of Orientation began so I scheduled an appointment and got all 4 of them out! (They were all impacted and had extra roots!) It was really painful after my surgery and I was out of it for a few days because of it. Through all of it, my mom was so patient and caring and selfless and it meant so much to me. As a college student, I sometimes think that I can do everything myself and that I can take care of myself always. That's just not true. By nature, we have a need for other people. Whether that is a parent, friend, or significant other. Isolation leads to madness. So thank you mom, for refreshing the fact that I need people and that I need you. <3

Auntie Freda-i miss you terribly, but i know that you're being the most amazing mother to those kids who so desperately need you. <3

Good morning world!

I thought I would start this post out with a picture as you can tell. This is what I woke up to every morning in Swaziland. I actually woke up to pinks, purples, oranges and reds, but by the time I got ready, gave out the morning wake-up call, and got outside to take a picture, it looked like this. For the wake-up call to my room of the wonderful Chelsea and Ashleigh, I would open the shade to my window and say quietly to myself, "Good morning Africa!"

This was the window that was right next to my bed. (By the way, this was an accidental picture, but I really like it! =)) That tree that you see through the window should look familiar because it's the same tree from the first picture. Anyway, it was a wonderful way to start my morning at 6ish every day. Now I've never been that early of a riser, but I absolutely loved the schedule we were on when we were there. We would go to bed anywhere between 8:30pm-10:30pm every night and would be up for a 6:35am team meeting/devos. I saw the sun rise every single morning starting with the morning we flew into South Africa. I can't even express how beautiful and eye-opening that was. Most mornings, I would end up waking up about 6, but one morning I couldn't sleep past 5:15. I finally rolled out of bed about 5:30 and got ready for the day and went out to the common room to journal and read the Bible. Observe below the common room:

So after I headed out there, I opened the shade and watched the most beautiful sunrise. God then led me to read Psalm 63:1, "O God, You are my God. Early I will seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water."

I then wrote this:

"God, You are amazing. Words cannot express everything You've done in my life. This morning has been refreshing. I've loved waking up early and watching an absolutely beautiful sunrise. Thank you for waking me up this morning to spend time with You and watch it. God, I long for you. I long to seek You always. You are what my heart desires. Lord, let me keep my eyes solely on You always. You have my life in Your hands - do with it what you please. God, I wish others could see and experience this place. Your presence is so tangible and Your people are so in love with You. Help me to be on fire for You like the people here when I go back home. Help me to exude Your love to others. At this point, my mind can't wrap around the fact that I'm leaving in 2 weeks. This went far too quickly..." 

I did not get a chance to finish this post in the craziness of everything, but I think you get the gist of where my mind was at this morning. Now, you might be asking yourself, what prompted me to say anything remotely like this and what does this have to do with anything? Well, be patient! I'm getting there! ;)
The first 3 days after I returned from Swaziland, I could not sleep past 6am. Actually, the first day I was back, I was wide-eyed and bushy-tailed at 4:30am. I had gone for a run, uploaded pictures, written in my journal, eaten a nice breakfast, and taken a shower all before 6:35am. It was crazy, but I know that God got me up that early to ease back into life here. Well, since then I've been getting up anytime between 6:45am and 11:15am. Quite the range, I know. Lately it's been on the later side. This morning, God had different plans. I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday and I had to wake myself up about every 3-4 hours last night to take my meds for swelling and pain. I had a 4 hour chunk of time that I was really excited to be able to sleep from 2am-6am. But, like I said, God had other plans. I woke up wide awake at 5:30am. I didn't know why until I realized that He just wanted to spend some time with me. I went on a short walk and sat down to get my thoughts out. But before I did any of that I walked to the window and looked out at the barely risen sun as it shined through the trees behind my house. I kept thinking over in my mind, "This is normally when I would have said "Good morning Africa!"" It made me sad for a minute, but then I realized that Africa had their sunrise over 6 hours ago and that I don't need to say good morning to Africa only. So, instead of letting it get me down, I said, "Good morning world!" I figured I covered all of my bases with that one. God doesn't just work in Africa. He doesn't only love Africa. He is everywhere in the world and no matter where I am, that place deserves a good morning greeting. Needless to say, I have a new perspective on sunrises and waking up early since being back from my beloved Africa. When I wake up early now, I know there's usually a reason and that I need to listen to what God is telling me. Somehow, I'm more attentive to Him in the mornings when I see the beauty He's created in the magnificent colors of a sunrise.

"I see Your face in every sunrise. The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day. I look up to the sky and say - You're beautiful."

-Phil Wickham - You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham

Thank you, magnificent Creator for giving me a wonderful gift this morning and every morning. You are truly beautiful and Your creation reflects that beauty. <3

The moon!

Today I went to the planetarium with my mom. I've been wanting to go for some time, but I just haven't had the opportunity or means to do so. Since I was little, I've been fascinated by the stars and the idea of a universe with no end. If I wasn't going to be a teacher (and if I was actually good at science), I totally would've been an astronaut. I've wanted to be one for as long as I can remember. Anyway, we went to the planetarium and learned about the new exoplanets (planets that orbit stars outside our solar system) and how they're looking for ones that could possibly support life. It was an amazing show, but my mind couldn't help but keep thinking about the 2 second piece of video of the moon from the beginning. Now when I say that the stars and moon were breathtaking in Swazi, I totally and completely mean it. They were magnificent to say the least. They were bright and sparkly and big and beautiful! I've never seen anything more magnificent in my lifetime. Members of my team would lay out on the front lawn some nights and just look up at the stars, talk about life, and count tons of shooting stars. It put your life in perspective when you stop and look up at how vast our universe is. God knows what each star is yet He takes the time to count each hair on my head (and that's not easy because mine don't like to stay in my head sometimes). He knows me intimately as well as knowing everyone else intimately. It was a wonderful reminder.

On top of the beautiful stars, the moon was just as, if not more, magnificent. When we got there, there was no moon and we used our flashlights to get to dinner every night. We got used to that routine of grabbing flashlights before we left the house for the first two weeks or so. Matt, my co-leader, kept telling me that soon we wouldn't need the flashlights, but that seemed simply absurd. Well, he was right! Soon after we saw the moon slowly rise and fill to an incredibly huge full moon and sure enough, we didn't need our flashlights. The moon perfectly lit our pathway to and from the lodge where we ate. It was like God was giving us a streetlight in a town that only has one. It was absolutely amazing and it gave me a new appreciation for the mysterious night sky. The one song that keeps replaying in my head the last few days is "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. Ask yourself that question...How great is God in your life? It's already outlined pretty clearly in the Bible and in people's lives that He's pretty stinkin' great! But how great is He in your own personal life? Are you allowing Him to light your path through life or are you trying to use your own flashlight to guide your way? Think about it! God completely changed the way I thought about life, faith, relationships, and Him even, through my incredible trip to Africa, but it doesn't take something that radical to have your perspective changed. If you want Him to change it, He'll be more than happy to, you just have to ask and be open and willing. God is great in my life. Actually, He's the greatest thing in my life and I'm working to make sure that I remember that.


P.S. I miss my Swazi family today. And every day. But I miss sitting with them in church with Timmy or Siboniso on my lap and/or holding my hands constantly. I miss the outpouring of love that flowed so easily there. Dear house #6, I hope that you are sleeping in sweet, sweet peace tonight knowing that I love you and, more importantly, God loves you.

The Beach

So today I went to the beach with a dear friend of mine from Gordon and while I was laying there listening to the sound of the waves crashing and children laughing I realized that my Swazi family and friends have probably never seen a beach unless they've been to South Africa. The beach is something that calms me to the core and takes all worries away. I began to wonder what their "beach" is in Bulembu. There is a beauty there that far surpasses anything I've seen anywhere. It's no just nature that makes it beautiful though; it's the feel of the wind against your skin and it's unique smell. As I took pictures at the beach to send to my family in Bulembu, I was hit by the fact that beauty is all around us...we're just too thick-headed to notice it most of the time. When I look around, I see people searching for beauty and trying to capture it in photographs and on video. True beauty can never be caught on film because it is meant to be enjoyed in person and in the moment. That's one thing Bulembu did for me: it taught me to take time to look around and see the amazing world that God created for me to live in. It's unique and beautiful and breathtaking when you just stop for a minute. Here's just a few photographed examples of how beautiful my beloved other home is:

I miss you beautiful Bulembu and I cannot wait until we reunite someday.

Our beloved Temba

Today has been such a good day! One of my best friends is in town and it was beautifully hot out. Overall, life is good! I just feel as though something is missing. A part of me is not at rest and is halfway around the world. I've been listening to a lot of music since being back to bring me back to Bulembu. Songs like "The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe and "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. Listening to them today it brought me back one of my most treasured memory from Bulembu. We painted with a man named Temba. He was the sweetest man and we all fell in love with him. He was our Swazi overseer. He made sure we were doing the right things and the things right. Needless to say, over the 3 1/2 weeks we were painting, we came to adore this wonderful man and his sweet attempt to speak broken English. We were lucky to get a full sentence out of him and that was fine with us. Lots of hand gestures and pointing to brushes and paint colors. He would get so excited when we would greet him in SiSwati. He was excited that we wanted to learn his language. For about 7 or 8 of the days we painted, we brought my little ipod speakers and an ipod and listened to music loud so we could hear it all over the house. One of the most hilarious moments was the first day I brought it. I kept it pretty quiet because I wasn't sure if Temba and Sandile (a wonderful Christian worker that worked with us a few times) would approve of us listening to music while we worked. I put it on the window and got to work. A few minutes later I looked down and they are both standing a few feet away staring at it in utter confusion and fascination. If I could have taken a picture then, it probably would have been one of my favorites of the entire trip. I almost lost it right then. Instead, I kept myself together and came down the ladder and started talking to them. I showed them what it was and how it worked and told them they could touch it or change the song whenever they wanted. (I should probably mention that I only had Christian music on my ipod for the trip. I really felt God was calling me to give Him my full attention and that was one way to accomplish it.) Sandile played with the volume a few times, but otherwise they just walked by and would cast a glance to make sure it wasn't dancing or something. Sandile realized really quickly that the music coming out of it was all about God. His face lit up with a huge smile. He asked if I was a Christian which I answered excitedly! I asked him if he was and his grin got even bigger as he said yes and that he liked my music because it was about God. We were told before that not all of the workers in the town were Christian and to not expect it. It was excited to know that the first person we worked with was a Christian and that we shared Christ in common. Temba was more timid and through a conversation with our advisor said that he wasn't a Christian and wasn't sure about it all. He said he liked our music though and that we should bring it back. With both Sandile and Temba's approval, we brought back the music as often as the batteries would allow.
About 2 weeks in, we were starting to get repeats of some songs. We would obviously sing along if a familiar song came on and Temba would kind of watch us as he hummed his own tune. But by the latter end of the trip, he was humming along to our songs and even singing some of the words. It was amazing to hear him singing along to praise songs. When it happened, at least one of the girls painting would make it their high or God moment of the day.
Temba kept asking James, the head of construction/upkeep in town, if the "God people" were coming back and if he could work with us. Needless to say, we quickly had a reputation with the workers. It was amazing to see that someone who didn't share our beliefs wanted to be with us based on our beliefs. (He also said we worked really hard and that it was slightly unusual for people to do such a good job in such a short time.)
I don't know how Temba is feeling about God at this present moment, but I know what God is feeling for Temba. He longs for him and is pursuing him with a love that can't quenched and a fire that cannot be contained. We saw a progressive change in Temba over our weeks there and he is one of the most memorable parts of the trip for me and not simply because we saw him every day, but because I saw God actively pursuing him. There was a reason he was assigned to us and that we were given that particular job to do. God had a plan and we were at His disposal to used as He pleased. In my own mind and my own heart, He used us alright!

These two amazing men are in my prayers every day. But now I have a new prayer. That God would use me and my team in our respective lives at home to shine His light to the world around us. That people would see Christ in us even when we don't speak...sometimes all we need to do is sing. <3

"Oh, sing to the Lord a new song! For He has done marvelous things; His right hand and His holy arm have gained Him the victory. The Lord has made known His salvation; His righteousness He has revealed in the sight of the Gentilesnations. He has remembered His mercy and His faithfulness to the house of Israel; All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God. Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth; Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. Sing to the Lord with the harp, With the harp and the sound of a psalm, With trumpets and the sound of a horn; Shout joyfully before the Lord, the King. Let the sea roar, and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell in it; Let the rivers clap their hands; Let the hills be joyful together before the Lord, For He is coming to judge the earth. With righteousness He shall judge the world, And the peoples with uprightnessequity."
Psalm 98

A note and a new mindset

As I'm sitting here on my back porch I'm absolutely amazed at the blessings God has bestowed on my life. I came back from Swaziland with a completely different mindset and I wasn't sure how to make it work with the mindset I have here. Well I'm finding out I can't have both mindsets. But according to one of the verses I prayed over this trip before I left (Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.") I shouldn't have the same mindset. My mind has truly been transformed by the incredible experience that God gave me to enjoy. My heart still hurts when I think of my family and friends from Bulembu because I truly ache to be with them again, but I know that God will give me the desires of my heart if I seek Him with my whole heart. I received an email yesterday from one of my wonderful friends in Bulembu, Mzwa. The minute I saw his name at the top of the email I burst into tears. Now I have to say, I'm not a crier. I'm really not. But leaving these people brought me back to the single most heartbreaking moment of my life - leaving my brothers when I moved from CA to MA. I'll never forget that moment just like I'll never forget saying goodbye to my family in Bulembu. But back to the email. The tears I shed were half sad and half happy. I was sad that I couldn't just see Mzwa in person but I was so happy he took the time to find a computer and send me the cutest email I've every received. This is what it said:

"Hi Dear! Nothing much forced me 2 draft this short missive 2 you, I just want 2 tell that you have a special place in my Heart & my mind where favorite memories & wishes 4 your happiness are tucked away. I will always remember you. I MISS YOU A LOT!!!!"

It's probably one of the simplest messages I've ever received, but it held a barrage of emotions in it's few words. One thing I learned there was that more words does not equal more meaning or more emotion. Sometimes the best thing you can do is say a few words and just leave the rest to God. I'm a talkative person, but I am learning how to hold my tongue in certain situations. This is one way in which my mindset has changed.

Another way in which my mindset has changed is in relation to money. The one and almost only stressor in my life is money. I'm always worried about it because usually I'm lacking it. This whole trip was a gift from God and one of the ways He showed me He wanted me to go was providing all of the funds for my trip. For those of you who gave funds to me and members of my team - thank you! You have no idea the stress you removed and the peace you gave. When I was there, I didn't have to worry about money. I converted about $200 to Rand which ended up being about R 1200. We didn't go anywhere until the end (except the bakery - that story is for a different time!) and money was not a part of my daily life like it is here. I knew coming back that I needed a car by August and probably a new laptop. Those are still very real things that are immediate necessities (let me know if you know anyone that could help with either!). When I got back from Swazi, I had no plan for the summer and heck, I still don't. But God has provided in some amazing ways. I came back to housesitting and a full-time work week in Admissions at Gordon. Then I started doing yardwork and babysitting for an amazing Christian family. God has provided me with some funds and amazing people to help me in my walk as I readjust here. I can't express to you the peace I feel. It's the moments I take things into my own hands or think that I can do everything that I fall apart and start hyperventilating. I keep reminding myself that God knows my anxieties about money and He also knows what I need and He will provide. I stand in His promises. I don't have the answers, but I have Him and He is giving me wonderful people and opportunities. I got to see my roommate and catch up with her. She's great and is more of a blessing than she knows in my life. =) One of my absolute best friends, Jordan, is coming up this weekend and I couldn't be more excited to see him!! And next week (depending on jury duty), I get to see two more amazing friends, Colleen and Elise, that know me so incredibly well. God knows I need people right now. I went from being surrounded by my team and Swazis to being pretty much alone (besides my mom and Bekah who have both been incredible and much needed). One song that I will never forget from my time in Bulembu is "It is well". They sang it and everything changed for me. Just try and say those words and imagine the pasts that those people have had. They make all of us look rich and entitled and when they sing that song because they mean the words and draw from their own experiences. So right now, sitting on my back porch, I say it is well with my soul. Whatever God has planned for my life - it is well with my soul.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

The riches of Your love will always be enough

Too tired to post anything that requires though so here's the thing that's been going through my mind all day with a slideshow of Bulembu:

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

-Forever Reign by Hillsong

Update about my family!

Also, heard an update from my family! They are doing well. My Auntie is being strong and comforting as usual. She's truly an amazing woman. The oldest boy, Nahti, is now starting to play the drums more in church. The oldest girl, Hlobile, danced in church and apparently did an incredible job! Not surprised, she's amazing!
God is raising up the next generation of leaders for Bulembu and I know that those two will be a key part of it.
Please pray for my family and their continued health, faith, and unconditional love for each other and others.

<3

Stand

Church has honestly been hard for me lately. Everything is so different here in the way that we completely ignore the Spirit and get weirded out if someone raises their hands. Church isn't about appearances. It's about connecting with God and fellowship with one another. You can connect with God outside of church. You don't have to be standing or sitting in a pew to feel God move. You don't have to be singing certain songs to feel Him pluck at your heartstrings. And one thing I've learned that completely redefined how I'm living, loving, and worshiping is that I don't have to be on African soil to feel God in a real way. It's true that I felt Him more frequently and easier when I was there because of the lack of distractions. It's also true that I haven't tried to rid myself of distractions since being back. The apathy I feel is my fault. I feel like people are always making excuses that God isn't speaking or that He isn't working. The question is are we listening and being sensitive to Him? Most of the time the answer is no.
This week at the new Grace Chapel in Wilmington was what I needed. For the first time in a long time I craved going to church. I couldn't wait! That's really all I thought about the night before and the morning of. I needed to be in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ like I needed water. When I say it's been a while...I'm talking years. There was a guest speaker from a church in Dorchester, MA named Bruce Wall. He was speaking on the topic of spiritual warfare. Considering my last month, this was a topic that piqued my interest. He read from Ephesians 6:10-18:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Look how many times stand is mentioned in this series of verses. When I've read these verses before it's always been about fighting for me. You put on armor to fight...duh. Apparently, not with God. We need that armor simply to stand our ground. The upside of this is that God gave us the tools to stand against any storm when they rage. And they will rage, whether it's families, body image, relationships, death or any other possible scenario. We each face trials and tribulations but we need to remember that we do not fight against flesh and blood (this is something that is really interesting to talk to pastors about =)). We simply clothe ourselves with the armor of God and do our best to stand in the middle of the storm while God fights for us.
Romans 8:37 says, "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." We are conquerors through Christ! He fights for us and through Him, we are victorious. What an incredible promise! I know that Christ will fight for me and that in His name I can stand firm using the armor that He has given me. It's such a relief to know that I can't and don't fight my own battles. I am me. I am flawed. He is God. He is perfect. I'd rather have perfection fighting for me than someone who has failed a thousand times.
Adjusting has been a storm for me. I feel as though a part of heart is missing and the truth is it is. I don't always feel at home here, but I know this is where God has me for such a time as this and He has equipped me to stand in the midst of this storm and it will end. I know that members of my team are feeling similar to this. Be encouraged! God never breaks His promises. Dive into the Word. It is saving me from feeling like I'm drowning. Don't get me wrong, I love my home and I love America. It's an amazing place and God has blessed me immensely. He's also shown me that storms are not so bad. They will come and go and you will be stronger after they pass.
The pastor mentioned this verse that gave me comfort when I thought directly of Bulembu:

Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.
You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.

Isaiah 26:2-4

Bulembu is keeping the faith and He gives them peace. They trust and He sustains. God is good!

I miss you beautiful and beloved Bulembu, but I know that you are safe in the palm of my Savior's hand. Rest in His overwhelming peace and trust in Him forever.

This familiar song took on new meaning after this sermon.

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

The Stand - Hillsong

If you read down this far, check out this video! Some good siSwati praise music!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9UXfwe76-g

"Why?"-me "Because I said so"-God

I was reading through my journal today and came across my entry from our second day in Bulembu. The excitement of waking up in Africa brings me back to that morning like it was this morning. It was the morning we started to see Bulembu for real. We toured the baby home and saw what ABC ministries does and it's tie to Bulembu ministries. It was a truly amazing place. One thing I wrote at the very end of the page was that I needed to address 3 questions: Why here? Why now? Why me? Ruth and Rose had presented us with those questions the night before and I realized that I never actually answered them on paper. I started to answer them in my mind, but I never actually wrote them down. I think I may have more answers to those now since being back.

"Why here?"
It kinda feels like a cop-out answer to say God sent me there, but it's true. I resisted and He kept pushing me to do this trip. Looking back on the trip, this was exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. I feel as though Africa has this stigma around it. Everyone wants to go help the poor and save the lost. Those are great reasons to serve, but I found that I was poor in spirit and that I was lost when it came to really feeling God. I became rich in the spirit and truly was found by God because I allowed myself to be used completely for His uses. Here in the USA I become way too practical and everything is thought over 100 times. There, if the people or God asked me to jump, I would ask how high. Africa, more in particular, Bulembu and it's people helped me to find something I've been searching for my entire life.

"Why now?"
I'll first give the practical reasons for this answer. I'm going into my final year of college. Next summer I'll be teaching late for my practicum and will be in the "real world". I will be an alumna of Gordon and will not be able to partake in any of their trips from then on. I had no summer job lined up that would demand my time. The list of practical answers goes on and on.
The list of answers God has given me is a shorter but more convincing list. First, I'm a single woman in my twenties who is not tied to a family or a stable job. I led a Bible study my freshman year at Gordon on a book that was called "Lady in Waiting". (If you've never read it, I highly encourage it.) One of the things that has stuck with me until this day is the sentiment that one should not mourn in their singleness, but use it for God's glory. I believe that's what God was showing me. He was showing me that He understands, but that He has amazing plans for me even at this stage in my life. He knows my desires, but sometimes His plans are better than you could have ever imagined your desires to be. Another answer God gave me was that I needed that slap to wake me out of the apathy I could feel myself slipping into. I needed to see that He still worked in miraculous ways that are sometimes seen and sometimes unseen. In our society, the latter is more common, but I realized that my practical side may be rationalizing the "sometimes seen" miracles. The things I saw there were miraculous. From the child you'd never seen before coming up and giving you a hug or launching themselves into your arms and saying they loved you to the Aunties who had survived incredible circumstances to stand before you and raise a housefull of children (any of which could be struggling with HIV). God showed me that miracles happen everyday and that I need to be opening my eyes to see what He is doing all around me.

"Why me?"
This is the question I struggled with the most. My co-leader and I had to choose our team. We had too many students apply and couldn't possibly take them all. This was the hardest thing I have every done, hands down. Through the entire process I kept asking why God had chosen me to lead and not someone else. Why was this my time to serve His people in Africa? God chose our team and He blessed us immensely with an absolutely incredible group of college students and amazing advisor. He knew was He was doing and was constantly whispering that into my heart in the late fall. The question remained in my mind even on the day we were leaving Boston. In one of my journal entry that day I wrote this, "God, am I ready? Can I ever be ready? Am I a good leader? How can I be better? What do I expect to happen and get out of this trip? None of these questions are answerable. I don't know if I want them to be either...God, You have walked before us and You know what we will experience. I trust that You are God and we are definitely not. God, mold me into the woman, leader, and person You want me to be. I am at Your feet begging You to use me for Your purpose and not my own." I remember the hesitation I felt at the start of this journal entry, but by the time I got to the part at the end, I felt complete peace about the fact that God would use me no matter how unusable I felt. I still don't know why He chose me, but I know that I'm so glad He did. I hope that I made an impact. I definitely felt as though the people, and in particular the kids, gave me so much more than I could have ever given, but I do know that I gave with my whole heart and that He will make good of it. I asked why and He told me it was because He said so. =)


I am now able to say that I am at peace with God's choice of using me to do His work. The ability to surrender to Him and His will was beyond anything I've ever been able to do and I long to feel that again. The issue I'm running into here is finding the ability to let Him have my life. I'm a planner. I'm a "J" for those who are familiar with Myers-Briggs. I'm both of those things to a fault sometimes. The thing that God is teaching me is that there are 2 sides to every story and there is more than just one adjective to describe a person. I'm am not only a "J" or a planner. I am someone who submitted to God and was used for His glory and His kingdom. I am someone who longs for my Savior. I am a princess to the King of Kings. I am clay that is ready to molded into whatever the Potter has in mind. <3

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than
you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God
has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to
show mercy, do it cheerfully."
Romans 12: 3-8

Cast your cares upon Him...

One thing that I have realized as I've been processing everything over the last week and a half is that I had things on my mind and issues to sort through before I left, but I pushed them to the back of my mind and tried not to think of them. One of my prayers while I was there was to really be there in mind and body. It worked! The problem is I didn't take the time to work through what I was going through at home. I had a pretty tough year this year and it was not the best idea to push all of that aside. Since being back, I am not only feeling raw feelings of all types, I'm also dealing with the baggage I went on the trip with. I have the most incredible friends who I know are praying for me and who God has placed specifically in my life for this season of my life. I'm realizing more and more that God knows what He's doing and that He will never leave me. He loves me more than words can express and that's the most incredible feeling ever! I want my heart and mind to be so lost in Him that I feel complete and utter contentment with Him leading my life.
This piece of wood was something I saw one of the first days and it hasn't left my mind since then. It's been a constant reminder to trust in Him above all else and to cast my cares upon Him. Try it! You'll feel the most incredible freedom knowing that your life is completely entrusted to someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

My Family

As I'm accepting being back in the US and figuring out my life for this summer, God keeps showing me that He is in control. I didn't have (and still don't) have a job lined up for the summer, but He allowed for me to house sit for a week and work full time in Admissions the week after returning home. I know that He will continue to plan out my summer and I'm excited for what He has in store. I've found that the one thing that has really helped me readjust to this home is having people around. I haven't had the greatest amount of energy to do much, but it's nice to know that someone will come and just sit next to you and eat smiley fries and do a puzzle. I can feel my energy coming back as the amount of tears I shed each week is waning. It's not any easier to be away from the people there, but God is showing me that He has a purpose for me here. One of the many reasons I love Gordon is the faculty. I set up a meeting with one of the Education professors and talked to her about the Education side of Bulembu and how I could help from so far away. It was amazing to hear her thoughts on their curriculum and what I could do as a lowly senior in college. I'm excited to see how Bulembu's schools will change and adjust over the next few years as they continue to expand.
God has enjoyed waking me up much earlier than I'm used to since being back. I thought I would come back and get right back into the schedule of going to bed late and getting up late. He has had other plans. Even days when I plan on sleeping in, He usually wakes me up between 5:30-6:30AM just so I can spend some time with Him. This morning, I woke up at 5:30AM in a hotel in New Hampshire. My mom and I are up here visiting and relaxing for the weekend. I was hoping to sleep until at least 9AM, but like I said before, God had other plans. I spent some time praying and singing saSwati songs to myself. I remember falling back asleep thinking, God just please let me know that they're ok and that they're resting in Your arms. Well, I guess He decided the best way to do that was in a dream. I dreamt that my team and I had gone on the Safari and were driving back through Bulembu to say our final goodbyes to our houses. Each person got dropped off at our individual houses and it felt so real as if I really was walking through the front doors. It was just about dark when we arrived and the houses were bustling with activity. I don't remember details, but I remember interacting with the kids and Auntie for a while then saying goodbye, but watching them as they played, did devotions, and got ready for bed. It was as if God was showing me my house and giving me an update on them. I didn't wake up sad even though, in my dream, I was saying goodbye. I woke up with peace knowing that they were doing well and that God was right there with them. This was the most vivid dream I've had about the kids and Bulembu. When they hugged me in my dream, I felt it. (It's like when you fall and break your leg in your dream and you wake up and your leg hurts-except better!) I've had small glimpses, but this was like a complete update full with how some of the kids were doing on their homework. I don't know how to explain this, but the peace I felt seeing people I care for so deeply living their lives and prospering has started the process of moving on. There's a balance of being in absolute love with a place and finding that same love in a different place or circumstance. I think I am now ready to find that same love in my life here. I'm realizing that this trip will take longer to process than I thought, but that may help me find a new passion based on the new passions I found in Bulembu.

This is my wonderful, beautiful family -->


To my other family aka my amazing team...I miss you so much and am praying for each of you daily! <3

Heebie Jeebies

I promised a story, so I'll tell one of the first ones there is to tell when we arrived in Bulembu and to our lovely home. It was the first night we were staying in Hyde Park 3 and we were each getting settled before going to bed. It had been a warm day so all of the windows in Chelsea, Ashleigh, and my room were open. My bed was closest to the window and I was just tidying up and talking to my roommates when Chelsea just points up at the ceiling. I saw a black thing on the ceiling when we had gotten back from dinner, but I wrote it off as a crack or blemish on the white. Funny part is...it was right above my bed. Chelsea just looks up and says that looks like a spider. It was long and didn't look like a spider at all, but when you looked closer, it was just spread out. Spread out it was probably 5+ inches long. So pretty much it was the biggest spider any of us had seen!!! Genius Matt comes in and decides to throw his hat at it which made it drop to the ground and start moving. Thankfully, Chelsea was prepared with a pan and lid and after much yelling from Sam to "put the lid on it!" it was finally captured under the lid. They finagled it into the large part of the pan and Matt ran outside with the top on and through it into the bushes. We do have a video of this and I'll try and find it and put it on facebook. It was quite the sight to see!
To say this was an exciting part of the trip is an understatement. I would open my eyes at random times through the first few nights and expect it to be lowering itself onto my face. I definitely had the heebie jeebies for a while. It was the biggest bug we saw while we were there except for the giant grasshoppers which were everywhere and were poisonous to eat. I've attached a picture of one of those.
One thing that has been interesting to readjust to are the mosquitoes! I don't think I saw one while I was in Africa and I already have a bite since being back.
It's weird but I miss the grasshoppers. It's just one part of the country that I've fallen in love with!

Forgetting...

A week ago today our team was leaving the amazing town and people of Bulembu. We drove through the town for the last time as we headed to the Safari. I couldn't help but tear up because even then I was afraid of forgetting. As a Psych major I know the unreliability of memories. From this point of view I'm terrified of forgetting. This morning was the first morning I didn't wake up thinking that I was halfway around the world and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. I'm starting to feel more at home here, but I don't want that to mean that I feel less at home in Bulembu. Sometimes I feel like this is dragging out longer than it should be but I honestly can't help it. I'm so worried about forgetting that I do everything I can do to keep thinking about it and the details of the trip. I don't want to forget the smell of Siboniso's head or the radiance of Timmy's smile or Hlobile's beautiful voice. I feel as though they're slipping away and there's nothing I can do about that. Memories dull with time. I never want to forget any detail but I'm learning to accept the fact that I will. Pictures are a beautiful invention and I thank God for them to be a constant reminder of my amazing time in Bulembu. What I mainly don't want to forget is the amazing way that I felt God while I was there. I can already feel myself becoming more apathetic since being back and I'm slipping on my daily time with Him. But I know it so I'm going to change it.
I think I'm going to start doing my alone time with God in the morning because I have been getting up between 530-630 every morning so that means I have time now. I just want to use my time to feel close to God and feel His embrace when I need it the most.

This was a more pensive post...more stories to come in the following posts.

Akabongwe somandla

Today marks the third day that I have been back in the United States. It marks the third day of realizing that I'm thousands of miles away from the children and people who have completely stolen my heart. Don't get me wrong - it's nice to be home and to feel "normal", but at times I feel absolutely lost. Walking into a grocery store gave me anxiety...weird right? I've had the constant urge to cry whenever I think about how much I miss those kids and I'm not a crier. This sounds like a very negative post, but it's not meant to be. It's meant to be the tip of the iceberg of what God did in my life in the last month. I allowed the kids and people of Bulembu into my heart which can sometimes be like Fort Knox. The amazing thing is I allowed them in without a shred of fight in me. I longed for them to be let in and to influence my life in all different ways. Each person in that town has forever affected how I live my life and how I will live my life in the future.
We were each assigned a house to be in for the duration of our time in Bulembu. Alicia and I were assigned to house 6. We didn't know what that meant or why God had put us together or with those kids, but we knew that we were there for a reason and that God had a plan for us. Well, God's plan was a fantastic one! The Auntie or Mom of the house was one of the most incredible Christian women I have ever meant. I heard her life story and through that felt her heart beating for Christ and for the kids that He has placed in her life. She has 8 kids in her house ranging in age from 6 years old to 17 years old. Each of them is completely unique and wonderful. Once the kids turn 18 they are moved to senior boys and girls houses to learn more about being an adult and providing for themselves. Kids are not brought into the actual houses until age 4. Before then, they are in baby houses and toddler houses. The system that they are using seems to be very effective and benefits the kids.
My favorite experience in the house happened the one night we all stayed for dinner in our houses. Alicia and I weren't sure how it was going to go and neither of us knew what the customs or traditions around dinner were in Swazi culture. Dinner was quiet for the first few minutes and I didn't know if it was just us or if it was the culture, so I just started to ask questions at different kids around the table. After awhile the conversations flowed and I found out so much more about the house and the family residing inside. After our dinner of bean soup, pap, and cole slaw, we moved a few feet to the living room. The oldest boy had an energy test the next day so he was studying by the fire. The rest of us were taking a few pictures and just hanging out. The oldest girl pulled me aside and showed me a notebook she had going with English praise songs inside that she had learned from church. Songs such as Mighty to Save among others. She asked if I wanted to sing them with her and one of her sisters. Just a quick side note, one thing I really learned on this trip was that God gave us a voice for a reason, whether we can sing or not. I can be shy about singing around people, especially if I know they're listening, but it didn't seem to matter there. I was singing with them and that helped to bond us. Anyway, back to the story, so the older girls and I started to sing songs - lots of songs! Soon, the kids joined in. While we were singing a song, I noticed the older boy was tapping his foot and humming along. I called his name and told him that he should come sing for a few minutes. He didn't even hesitate. He plays in the band at church, so most of the songs were extremely familiar to him. I remember sitting there and listening to their voices and all I could say was praise God for each of these people and for His plan for their lives. This "family" was beautiful and not normal by "normal" standards. They were God's type of family. A family with Him at the center and love all around. Alicia and I were wholeheartedly accepted into this family and I am forever grateful. When one of the boys was writing a list of his family in my journal, Alicia and I were on that list.
It's still hard for me to think of them without crying, but it isn't a bad cry or a sorrowful cry. It's a cry of love and thankfulness for getting the amazing opportunity to fall head over heels in love with these people.
I don't know if I said my last goodbyes to my Swazi family, but I feel as though God is done with me yet. I feel like He has so much more to teach me through my time in Bulembu and maybe more through going back. I don't know, but He does and that is sufficient for me.


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord..."
Jeremiah 29:11-14


Thank you, God, for being a God who listens, plans, and is found by us. Help us to seek you daily with our WHOLE heart and not just what we can afford that day. <3