The moon!

Today I went to the planetarium with my mom. I've been wanting to go for some time, but I just haven't had the opportunity or means to do so. Since I was little, I've been fascinated by the stars and the idea of a universe with no end. If I wasn't going to be a teacher (and if I was actually good at science), I totally would've been an astronaut. I've wanted to be one for as long as I can remember. Anyway, we went to the planetarium and learned about the new exoplanets (planets that orbit stars outside our solar system) and how they're looking for ones that could possibly support life. It was an amazing show, but my mind couldn't help but keep thinking about the 2 second piece of video of the moon from the beginning. Now when I say that the stars and moon were breathtaking in Swazi, I totally and completely mean it. They were magnificent to say the least. They were bright and sparkly and big and beautiful! I've never seen anything more magnificent in my lifetime. Members of my team would lay out on the front lawn some nights and just look up at the stars, talk about life, and count tons of shooting stars. It put your life in perspective when you stop and look up at how vast our universe is. God knows what each star is yet He takes the time to count each hair on my head (and that's not easy because mine don't like to stay in my head sometimes). He knows me intimately as well as knowing everyone else intimately. It was a wonderful reminder.

On top of the beautiful stars, the moon was just as, if not more, magnificent. When we got there, there was no moon and we used our flashlights to get to dinner every night. We got used to that routine of grabbing flashlights before we left the house for the first two weeks or so. Matt, my co-leader, kept telling me that soon we wouldn't need the flashlights, but that seemed simply absurd. Well, he was right! Soon after we saw the moon slowly rise and fill to an incredibly huge full moon and sure enough, we didn't need our flashlights. The moon perfectly lit our pathway to and from the lodge where we ate. It was like God was giving us a streetlight in a town that only has one. It was absolutely amazing and it gave me a new appreciation for the mysterious night sky. The one song that keeps replaying in my head the last few days is "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. Ask yourself that question...How great is God in your life? It's already outlined pretty clearly in the Bible and in people's lives that He's pretty stinkin' great! But how great is He in your own personal life? Are you allowing Him to light your path through life or are you trying to use your own flashlight to guide your way? Think about it! God completely changed the way I thought about life, faith, relationships, and Him even, through my incredible trip to Africa, but it doesn't take something that radical to have your perspective changed. If you want Him to change it, He'll be more than happy to, you just have to ask and be open and willing. God is great in my life. Actually, He's the greatest thing in my life and I'm working to make sure that I remember that.


P.S. I miss my Swazi family today. And every day. But I miss sitting with them in church with Timmy or Siboniso on my lap and/or holding my hands constantly. I miss the outpouring of love that flowed so easily there. Dear house #6, I hope that you are sleeping in sweet, sweet peace tonight knowing that I love you and, more importantly, God loves you.

The Beach

So today I went to the beach with a dear friend of mine from Gordon and while I was laying there listening to the sound of the waves crashing and children laughing I realized that my Swazi family and friends have probably never seen a beach unless they've been to South Africa. The beach is something that calms me to the core and takes all worries away. I began to wonder what their "beach" is in Bulembu. There is a beauty there that far surpasses anything I've seen anywhere. It's no just nature that makes it beautiful though; it's the feel of the wind against your skin and it's unique smell. As I took pictures at the beach to send to my family in Bulembu, I was hit by the fact that beauty is all around us...we're just too thick-headed to notice it most of the time. When I look around, I see people searching for beauty and trying to capture it in photographs and on video. True beauty can never be caught on film because it is meant to be enjoyed in person and in the moment. That's one thing Bulembu did for me: it taught me to take time to look around and see the amazing world that God created for me to live in. It's unique and beautiful and breathtaking when you just stop for a minute. Here's just a few photographed examples of how beautiful my beloved other home is:

I miss you beautiful Bulembu and I cannot wait until we reunite someday.

Our beloved Temba

Today has been such a good day! One of my best friends is in town and it was beautifully hot out. Overall, life is good! I just feel as though something is missing. A part of me is not at rest and is halfway around the world. I've been listening to a lot of music since being back to bring me back to Bulembu. Songs like "The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe and "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. Listening to them today it brought me back one of my most treasured memory from Bulembu. We painted with a man named Temba. He was the sweetest man and we all fell in love with him. He was our Swazi overseer. He made sure we were doing the right things and the things right. Needless to say, over the 3 1/2 weeks we were painting, we came to adore this wonderful man and his sweet attempt to speak broken English. We were lucky to get a full sentence out of him and that was fine with us. Lots of hand gestures and pointing to brushes and paint colors. He would get so excited when we would greet him in SiSwati. He was excited that we wanted to learn his language. For about 7 or 8 of the days we painted, we brought my little ipod speakers and an ipod and listened to music loud so we could hear it all over the house. One of the most hilarious moments was the first day I brought it. I kept it pretty quiet because I wasn't sure if Temba and Sandile (a wonderful Christian worker that worked with us a few times) would approve of us listening to music while we worked. I put it on the window and got to work. A few minutes later I looked down and they are both standing a few feet away staring at it in utter confusion and fascination. If I could have taken a picture then, it probably would have been one of my favorites of the entire trip. I almost lost it right then. Instead, I kept myself together and came down the ladder and started talking to them. I showed them what it was and how it worked and told them they could touch it or change the song whenever they wanted. (I should probably mention that I only had Christian music on my ipod for the trip. I really felt God was calling me to give Him my full attention and that was one way to accomplish it.) Sandile played with the volume a few times, but otherwise they just walked by and would cast a glance to make sure it wasn't dancing or something. Sandile realized really quickly that the music coming out of it was all about God. His face lit up with a huge smile. He asked if I was a Christian which I answered excitedly! I asked him if he was and his grin got even bigger as he said yes and that he liked my music because it was about God. We were told before that not all of the workers in the town were Christian and to not expect it. It was excited to know that the first person we worked with was a Christian and that we shared Christ in common. Temba was more timid and through a conversation with our advisor said that he wasn't a Christian and wasn't sure about it all. He said he liked our music though and that we should bring it back. With both Sandile and Temba's approval, we brought back the music as often as the batteries would allow.
About 2 weeks in, we were starting to get repeats of some songs. We would obviously sing along if a familiar song came on and Temba would kind of watch us as he hummed his own tune. But by the latter end of the trip, he was humming along to our songs and even singing some of the words. It was amazing to hear him singing along to praise songs. When it happened, at least one of the girls painting would make it their high or God moment of the day.
Temba kept asking James, the head of construction/upkeep in town, if the "God people" were coming back and if he could work with us. Needless to say, we quickly had a reputation with the workers. It was amazing to see that someone who didn't share our beliefs wanted to be with us based on our beliefs. (He also said we worked really hard and that it was slightly unusual for people to do such a good job in such a short time.)
I don't know how Temba is feeling about God at this present moment, but I know what God is feeling for Temba. He longs for him and is pursuing him with a love that can't quenched and a fire that cannot be contained. We saw a progressive change in Temba over our weeks there and he is one of the most memorable parts of the trip for me and not simply because we saw him every day, but because I saw God actively pursuing him. There was a reason he was assigned to us and that we were given that particular job to do. God had a plan and we were at His disposal to used as He pleased. In my own mind and my own heart, He used us alright!

These two amazing men are in my prayers every day. But now I have a new prayer. That God would use me and my team in our respective lives at home to shine His light to the world around us. That people would see Christ in us even when we don't speak...sometimes all we need to do is sing. <3

"Oh, sing to the Lord a new song! For He has done marvelous things; His right hand and His holy arm have gained Him the victory. The Lord has made known His salvation; His righteousness He has revealed in the sight of the Gentilesnations. He has remembered His mercy and His faithfulness to the house of Israel; All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God. Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth; Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. Sing to the Lord with the harp, With the harp and the sound of a psalm, With trumpets and the sound of a horn; Shout joyfully before the Lord, the King. Let the sea roar, and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell in it; Let the rivers clap their hands; Let the hills be joyful together before the Lord, For He is coming to judge the earth. With righteousness He shall judge the world, And the peoples with uprightnessequity."
Psalm 98

A note and a new mindset

As I'm sitting here on my back porch I'm absolutely amazed at the blessings God has bestowed on my life. I came back from Swaziland with a completely different mindset and I wasn't sure how to make it work with the mindset I have here. Well I'm finding out I can't have both mindsets. But according to one of the verses I prayed over this trip before I left (Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.") I shouldn't have the same mindset. My mind has truly been transformed by the incredible experience that God gave me to enjoy. My heart still hurts when I think of my family and friends from Bulembu because I truly ache to be with them again, but I know that God will give me the desires of my heart if I seek Him with my whole heart. I received an email yesterday from one of my wonderful friends in Bulembu, Mzwa. The minute I saw his name at the top of the email I burst into tears. Now I have to say, I'm not a crier. I'm really not. But leaving these people brought me back to the single most heartbreaking moment of my life - leaving my brothers when I moved from CA to MA. I'll never forget that moment just like I'll never forget saying goodbye to my family in Bulembu. But back to the email. The tears I shed were half sad and half happy. I was sad that I couldn't just see Mzwa in person but I was so happy he took the time to find a computer and send me the cutest email I've every received. This is what it said:

"Hi Dear! Nothing much forced me 2 draft this short missive 2 you, I just want 2 tell that you have a special place in my Heart & my mind where favorite memories & wishes 4 your happiness are tucked away. I will always remember you. I MISS YOU A LOT!!!!"

It's probably one of the simplest messages I've ever received, but it held a barrage of emotions in it's few words. One thing I learned there was that more words does not equal more meaning or more emotion. Sometimes the best thing you can do is say a few words and just leave the rest to God. I'm a talkative person, but I am learning how to hold my tongue in certain situations. This is one way in which my mindset has changed.

Another way in which my mindset has changed is in relation to money. The one and almost only stressor in my life is money. I'm always worried about it because usually I'm lacking it. This whole trip was a gift from God and one of the ways He showed me He wanted me to go was providing all of the funds for my trip. For those of you who gave funds to me and members of my team - thank you! You have no idea the stress you removed and the peace you gave. When I was there, I didn't have to worry about money. I converted about $200 to Rand which ended up being about R 1200. We didn't go anywhere until the end (except the bakery - that story is for a different time!) and money was not a part of my daily life like it is here. I knew coming back that I needed a car by August and probably a new laptop. Those are still very real things that are immediate necessities (let me know if you know anyone that could help with either!). When I got back from Swazi, I had no plan for the summer and heck, I still don't. But God has provided in some amazing ways. I came back to housesitting and a full-time work week in Admissions at Gordon. Then I started doing yardwork and babysitting for an amazing Christian family. God has provided me with some funds and amazing people to help me in my walk as I readjust here. I can't express to you the peace I feel. It's the moments I take things into my own hands or think that I can do everything that I fall apart and start hyperventilating. I keep reminding myself that God knows my anxieties about money and He also knows what I need and He will provide. I stand in His promises. I don't have the answers, but I have Him and He is giving me wonderful people and opportunities. I got to see my roommate and catch up with her. She's great and is more of a blessing than she knows in my life. =) One of my absolute best friends, Jordan, is coming up this weekend and I couldn't be more excited to see him!! And next week (depending on jury duty), I get to see two more amazing friends, Colleen and Elise, that know me so incredibly well. God knows I need people right now. I went from being surrounded by my team and Swazis to being pretty much alone (besides my mom and Bekah who have both been incredible and much needed). One song that I will never forget from my time in Bulembu is "It is well". They sang it and everything changed for me. Just try and say those words and imagine the pasts that those people have had. They make all of us look rich and entitled and when they sing that song because they mean the words and draw from their own experiences. So right now, sitting on my back porch, I say it is well with my soul. Whatever God has planned for my life - it is well with my soul.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

The riches of Your love will always be enough

Too tired to post anything that requires though so here's the thing that's been going through my mind all day with a slideshow of Bulembu:

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

-Forever Reign by Hillsong

Update about my family!

Also, heard an update from my family! They are doing well. My Auntie is being strong and comforting as usual. She's truly an amazing woman. The oldest boy, Nahti, is now starting to play the drums more in church. The oldest girl, Hlobile, danced in church and apparently did an incredible job! Not surprised, she's amazing!
God is raising up the next generation of leaders for Bulembu and I know that those two will be a key part of it.
Please pray for my family and their continued health, faith, and unconditional love for each other and others.

<3

Stand

Church has honestly been hard for me lately. Everything is so different here in the way that we completely ignore the Spirit and get weirded out if someone raises their hands. Church isn't about appearances. It's about connecting with God and fellowship with one another. You can connect with God outside of church. You don't have to be standing or sitting in a pew to feel God move. You don't have to be singing certain songs to feel Him pluck at your heartstrings. And one thing I've learned that completely redefined how I'm living, loving, and worshiping is that I don't have to be on African soil to feel God in a real way. It's true that I felt Him more frequently and easier when I was there because of the lack of distractions. It's also true that I haven't tried to rid myself of distractions since being back. The apathy I feel is my fault. I feel like people are always making excuses that God isn't speaking or that He isn't working. The question is are we listening and being sensitive to Him? Most of the time the answer is no.
This week at the new Grace Chapel in Wilmington was what I needed. For the first time in a long time I craved going to church. I couldn't wait! That's really all I thought about the night before and the morning of. I needed to be in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ like I needed water. When I say it's been a while...I'm talking years. There was a guest speaker from a church in Dorchester, MA named Bruce Wall. He was speaking on the topic of spiritual warfare. Considering my last month, this was a topic that piqued my interest. He read from Ephesians 6:10-18:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Look how many times stand is mentioned in this series of verses. When I've read these verses before it's always been about fighting for me. You put on armor to fight...duh. Apparently, not with God. We need that armor simply to stand our ground. The upside of this is that God gave us the tools to stand against any storm when they rage. And they will rage, whether it's families, body image, relationships, death or any other possible scenario. We each face trials and tribulations but we need to remember that we do not fight against flesh and blood (this is something that is really interesting to talk to pastors about =)). We simply clothe ourselves with the armor of God and do our best to stand in the middle of the storm while God fights for us.
Romans 8:37 says, "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." We are conquerors through Christ! He fights for us and through Him, we are victorious. What an incredible promise! I know that Christ will fight for me and that in His name I can stand firm using the armor that He has given me. It's such a relief to know that I can't and don't fight my own battles. I am me. I am flawed. He is God. He is perfect. I'd rather have perfection fighting for me than someone who has failed a thousand times.
Adjusting has been a storm for me. I feel as though a part of heart is missing and the truth is it is. I don't always feel at home here, but I know this is where God has me for such a time as this and He has equipped me to stand in the midst of this storm and it will end. I know that members of my team are feeling similar to this. Be encouraged! God never breaks His promises. Dive into the Word. It is saving me from feeling like I'm drowning. Don't get me wrong, I love my home and I love America. It's an amazing place and God has blessed me immensely. He's also shown me that storms are not so bad. They will come and go and you will be stronger after they pass.
The pastor mentioned this verse that gave me comfort when I thought directly of Bulembu:

Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.
You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.

Isaiah 26:2-4

Bulembu is keeping the faith and He gives them peace. They trust and He sustains. God is good!

I miss you beautiful and beloved Bulembu, but I know that you are safe in the palm of my Savior's hand. Rest in His overwhelming peace and trust in Him forever.

This familiar song took on new meaning after this sermon.

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

The Stand - Hillsong

If you read down this far, check out this video! Some good siSwati praise music!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9UXfwe76-g

"Why?"-me "Because I said so"-God

I was reading through my journal today and came across my entry from our second day in Bulembu. The excitement of waking up in Africa brings me back to that morning like it was this morning. It was the morning we started to see Bulembu for real. We toured the baby home and saw what ABC ministries does and it's tie to Bulembu ministries. It was a truly amazing place. One thing I wrote at the very end of the page was that I needed to address 3 questions: Why here? Why now? Why me? Ruth and Rose had presented us with those questions the night before and I realized that I never actually answered them on paper. I started to answer them in my mind, but I never actually wrote them down. I think I may have more answers to those now since being back.

"Why here?"
It kinda feels like a cop-out answer to say God sent me there, but it's true. I resisted and He kept pushing me to do this trip. Looking back on the trip, this was exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. I feel as though Africa has this stigma around it. Everyone wants to go help the poor and save the lost. Those are great reasons to serve, but I found that I was poor in spirit and that I was lost when it came to really feeling God. I became rich in the spirit and truly was found by God because I allowed myself to be used completely for His uses. Here in the USA I become way too practical and everything is thought over 100 times. There, if the people or God asked me to jump, I would ask how high. Africa, more in particular, Bulembu and it's people helped me to find something I've been searching for my entire life.

"Why now?"
I'll first give the practical reasons for this answer. I'm going into my final year of college. Next summer I'll be teaching late for my practicum and will be in the "real world". I will be an alumna of Gordon and will not be able to partake in any of their trips from then on. I had no summer job lined up that would demand my time. The list of practical answers goes on and on.
The list of answers God has given me is a shorter but more convincing list. First, I'm a single woman in my twenties who is not tied to a family or a stable job. I led a Bible study my freshman year at Gordon on a book that was called "Lady in Waiting". (If you've never read it, I highly encourage it.) One of the things that has stuck with me until this day is the sentiment that one should not mourn in their singleness, but use it for God's glory. I believe that's what God was showing me. He was showing me that He understands, but that He has amazing plans for me even at this stage in my life. He knows my desires, but sometimes His plans are better than you could have ever imagined your desires to be. Another answer God gave me was that I needed that slap to wake me out of the apathy I could feel myself slipping into. I needed to see that He still worked in miraculous ways that are sometimes seen and sometimes unseen. In our society, the latter is more common, but I realized that my practical side may be rationalizing the "sometimes seen" miracles. The things I saw there were miraculous. From the child you'd never seen before coming up and giving you a hug or launching themselves into your arms and saying they loved you to the Aunties who had survived incredible circumstances to stand before you and raise a housefull of children (any of which could be struggling with HIV). God showed me that miracles happen everyday and that I need to be opening my eyes to see what He is doing all around me.

"Why me?"
This is the question I struggled with the most. My co-leader and I had to choose our team. We had too many students apply and couldn't possibly take them all. This was the hardest thing I have every done, hands down. Through the entire process I kept asking why God had chosen me to lead and not someone else. Why was this my time to serve His people in Africa? God chose our team and He blessed us immensely with an absolutely incredible group of college students and amazing advisor. He knew was He was doing and was constantly whispering that into my heart in the late fall. The question remained in my mind even on the day we were leaving Boston. In one of my journal entry that day I wrote this, "God, am I ready? Can I ever be ready? Am I a good leader? How can I be better? What do I expect to happen and get out of this trip? None of these questions are answerable. I don't know if I want them to be either...God, You have walked before us and You know what we will experience. I trust that You are God and we are definitely not. God, mold me into the woman, leader, and person You want me to be. I am at Your feet begging You to use me for Your purpose and not my own." I remember the hesitation I felt at the start of this journal entry, but by the time I got to the part at the end, I felt complete peace about the fact that God would use me no matter how unusable I felt. I still don't know why He chose me, but I know that I'm so glad He did. I hope that I made an impact. I definitely felt as though the people, and in particular the kids, gave me so much more than I could have ever given, but I do know that I gave with my whole heart and that He will make good of it. I asked why and He told me it was because He said so. =)


I am now able to say that I am at peace with God's choice of using me to do His work. The ability to surrender to Him and His will was beyond anything I've ever been able to do and I long to feel that again. The issue I'm running into here is finding the ability to let Him have my life. I'm a planner. I'm a "J" for those who are familiar with Myers-Briggs. I'm both of those things to a fault sometimes. The thing that God is teaching me is that there are 2 sides to every story and there is more than just one adjective to describe a person. I'm am not only a "J" or a planner. I am someone who submitted to God and was used for His glory and His kingdom. I am someone who longs for my Savior. I am a princess to the King of Kings. I am clay that is ready to molded into whatever the Potter has in mind. <3

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than
you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God
has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to
show mercy, do it cheerfully."
Romans 12: 3-8

Cast your cares upon Him...

One thing that I have realized as I've been processing everything over the last week and a half is that I had things on my mind and issues to sort through before I left, but I pushed them to the back of my mind and tried not to think of them. One of my prayers while I was there was to really be there in mind and body. It worked! The problem is I didn't take the time to work through what I was going through at home. I had a pretty tough year this year and it was not the best idea to push all of that aside. Since being back, I am not only feeling raw feelings of all types, I'm also dealing with the baggage I went on the trip with. I have the most incredible friends who I know are praying for me and who God has placed specifically in my life for this season of my life. I'm realizing more and more that God knows what He's doing and that He will never leave me. He loves me more than words can express and that's the most incredible feeling ever! I want my heart and mind to be so lost in Him that I feel complete and utter contentment with Him leading my life.
This piece of wood was something I saw one of the first days and it hasn't left my mind since then. It's been a constant reminder to trust in Him above all else and to cast my cares upon Him. Try it! You'll feel the most incredible freedom knowing that your life is completely entrusted to someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

My Family

As I'm accepting being back in the US and figuring out my life for this summer, God keeps showing me that He is in control. I didn't have (and still don't) have a job lined up for the summer, but He allowed for me to house sit for a week and work full time in Admissions the week after returning home. I know that He will continue to plan out my summer and I'm excited for what He has in store. I've found that the one thing that has really helped me readjust to this home is having people around. I haven't had the greatest amount of energy to do much, but it's nice to know that someone will come and just sit next to you and eat smiley fries and do a puzzle. I can feel my energy coming back as the amount of tears I shed each week is waning. It's not any easier to be away from the people there, but God is showing me that He has a purpose for me here. One of the many reasons I love Gordon is the faculty. I set up a meeting with one of the Education professors and talked to her about the Education side of Bulembu and how I could help from so far away. It was amazing to hear her thoughts on their curriculum and what I could do as a lowly senior in college. I'm excited to see how Bulembu's schools will change and adjust over the next few years as they continue to expand.
God has enjoyed waking me up much earlier than I'm used to since being back. I thought I would come back and get right back into the schedule of going to bed late and getting up late. He has had other plans. Even days when I plan on sleeping in, He usually wakes me up between 5:30-6:30AM just so I can spend some time with Him. This morning, I woke up at 5:30AM in a hotel in New Hampshire. My mom and I are up here visiting and relaxing for the weekend. I was hoping to sleep until at least 9AM, but like I said before, God had other plans. I spent some time praying and singing saSwati songs to myself. I remember falling back asleep thinking, God just please let me know that they're ok and that they're resting in Your arms. Well, I guess He decided the best way to do that was in a dream. I dreamt that my team and I had gone on the Safari and were driving back through Bulembu to say our final goodbyes to our houses. Each person got dropped off at our individual houses and it felt so real as if I really was walking through the front doors. It was just about dark when we arrived and the houses were bustling with activity. I don't remember details, but I remember interacting with the kids and Auntie for a while then saying goodbye, but watching them as they played, did devotions, and got ready for bed. It was as if God was showing me my house and giving me an update on them. I didn't wake up sad even though, in my dream, I was saying goodbye. I woke up with peace knowing that they were doing well and that God was right there with them. This was the most vivid dream I've had about the kids and Bulembu. When they hugged me in my dream, I felt it. (It's like when you fall and break your leg in your dream and you wake up and your leg hurts-except better!) I've had small glimpses, but this was like a complete update full with how some of the kids were doing on their homework. I don't know how to explain this, but the peace I felt seeing people I care for so deeply living their lives and prospering has started the process of moving on. There's a balance of being in absolute love with a place and finding that same love in a different place or circumstance. I think I am now ready to find that same love in my life here. I'm realizing that this trip will take longer to process than I thought, but that may help me find a new passion based on the new passions I found in Bulembu.

This is my wonderful, beautiful family -->


To my other family aka my amazing team...I miss you so much and am praying for each of you daily! <3