"Why?"-me "Because I said so"-God

I was reading through my journal today and came across my entry from our second day in Bulembu. The excitement of waking up in Africa brings me back to that morning like it was this morning. It was the morning we started to see Bulembu for real. We toured the baby home and saw what ABC ministries does and it's tie to Bulembu ministries. It was a truly amazing place. One thing I wrote at the very end of the page was that I needed to address 3 questions: Why here? Why now? Why me? Ruth and Rose had presented us with those questions the night before and I realized that I never actually answered them on paper. I started to answer them in my mind, but I never actually wrote them down. I think I may have more answers to those now since being back.

"Why here?"
It kinda feels like a cop-out answer to say God sent me there, but it's true. I resisted and He kept pushing me to do this trip. Looking back on the trip, this was exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. I feel as though Africa has this stigma around it. Everyone wants to go help the poor and save the lost. Those are great reasons to serve, but I found that I was poor in spirit and that I was lost when it came to really feeling God. I became rich in the spirit and truly was found by God because I allowed myself to be used completely for His uses. Here in the USA I become way too practical and everything is thought over 100 times. There, if the people or God asked me to jump, I would ask how high. Africa, more in particular, Bulembu and it's people helped me to find something I've been searching for my entire life.

"Why now?"
I'll first give the practical reasons for this answer. I'm going into my final year of college. Next summer I'll be teaching late for my practicum and will be in the "real world". I will be an alumna of Gordon and will not be able to partake in any of their trips from then on. I had no summer job lined up that would demand my time. The list of practical answers goes on and on.
The list of answers God has given me is a shorter but more convincing list. First, I'm a single woman in my twenties who is not tied to a family or a stable job. I led a Bible study my freshman year at Gordon on a book that was called "Lady in Waiting". (If you've never read it, I highly encourage it.) One of the things that has stuck with me until this day is the sentiment that one should not mourn in their singleness, but use it for God's glory. I believe that's what God was showing me. He was showing me that He understands, but that He has amazing plans for me even at this stage in my life. He knows my desires, but sometimes His plans are better than you could have ever imagined your desires to be. Another answer God gave me was that I needed that slap to wake me out of the apathy I could feel myself slipping into. I needed to see that He still worked in miraculous ways that are sometimes seen and sometimes unseen. In our society, the latter is more common, but I realized that my practical side may be rationalizing the "sometimes seen" miracles. The things I saw there were miraculous. From the child you'd never seen before coming up and giving you a hug or launching themselves into your arms and saying they loved you to the Aunties who had survived incredible circumstances to stand before you and raise a housefull of children (any of which could be struggling with HIV). God showed me that miracles happen everyday and that I need to be opening my eyes to see what He is doing all around me.

"Why me?"
This is the question I struggled with the most. My co-leader and I had to choose our team. We had too many students apply and couldn't possibly take them all. This was the hardest thing I have every done, hands down. Through the entire process I kept asking why God had chosen me to lead and not someone else. Why was this my time to serve His people in Africa? God chose our team and He blessed us immensely with an absolutely incredible group of college students and amazing advisor. He knew was He was doing and was constantly whispering that into my heart in the late fall. The question remained in my mind even on the day we were leaving Boston. In one of my journal entry that day I wrote this, "God, am I ready? Can I ever be ready? Am I a good leader? How can I be better? What do I expect to happen and get out of this trip? None of these questions are answerable. I don't know if I want them to be either...God, You have walked before us and You know what we will experience. I trust that You are God and we are definitely not. God, mold me into the woman, leader, and person You want me to be. I am at Your feet begging You to use me for Your purpose and not my own." I remember the hesitation I felt at the start of this journal entry, but by the time I got to the part at the end, I felt complete peace about the fact that God would use me no matter how unusable I felt. I still don't know why He chose me, but I know that I'm so glad He did. I hope that I made an impact. I definitely felt as though the people, and in particular the kids, gave me so much more than I could have ever given, but I do know that I gave with my whole heart and that He will make good of it. I asked why and He told me it was because He said so. =)


I am now able to say that I am at peace with God's choice of using me to do His work. The ability to surrender to Him and His will was beyond anything I've ever been able to do and I long to feel that again. The issue I'm running into here is finding the ability to let Him have my life. I'm a planner. I'm a "J" for those who are familiar with Myers-Briggs. I'm both of those things to a fault sometimes. The thing that God is teaching me is that there are 2 sides to every story and there is more than just one adjective to describe a person. I'm am not only a "J" or a planner. I am someone who submitted to God and was used for His glory and His kingdom. I am someone who longs for my Savior. I am a princess to the King of Kings. I am clay that is ready to molded into whatever the Potter has in mind. <3

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than
you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God
has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to
show mercy, do it cheerfully."
Romans 12: 3-8