Perfection, Bulembu, and Identity

I've needed to write for so long and I'm finally making myself do it. I apologize if it's a little scatterbrained. I've had so much running through my mind. I will try to be organized, though! =)

1) I've always had this issue within my own mind that I have to be, or appear to be, perfect. And not perfect in like the 'perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect makeup' type of perfection (if you know me, you know I tend to go for the relaxed look haha), but in the 'I have my life together and nothing phases me' type of perfection. It's true that I handle stressful situations better than most and because of that it appears as though I'm in complete control of what's going on. If only you could read my mind. My mind is usually going a hundred miles an hour trying to problem solve. I learned long ago that it doesn't help anything to stand around and hope that situations are going to get better - you have to go after it in prayer and in action. If you don't like your life circumstances, then change them. I know that this is easier said than done at times depending on the life circumstance, but for the most part it works. I am definitely a problem solver by nature and I like it that way. It keeps me busy and it keeps my life somewhat simple. But I've realized that it also gives people an interesting view of me. I've been in a lot of leadership positions and I know from those positions that people are going to feel more secure following you if you're on top of things. Nothing frustrates me more than a leader who is chronically ignorant or disorganized. I say chronically because we are all human and all have these moments. I just want to set the record straight - I'm no where near perfect. I'm incredibly self-critical so to hear people say that I come off that way makes me laugh. But I've realized how true it is. It's something God and I are working on together. Because I don't think that being confident in what you do is bad, in fact, I think it's a great thing! But sometimes it can border on being overconfident which is not a good thing.

2) I know that I talk about Bulembu all of the time, but it has been the most influential experience of my life and I ache to be back there. Life was simple. The people were amazing. God's grace, mercy, power, and love were so incredibly evident with every smile and sunrise. Here in the USA, everything feels muted or like there is a sheet over how amazing God is. I know that I am partly to blame for this because I haven't been taking my quiet time like I did there. I haven't been seeking Him before making decisions. I've actually been staying far away from Him lately because I have felt so inadequate. Not being able to go back to Bulembu has been the hardest thing this past year. It's honestly broken my heart to not be able to see the people and place that I love so incredibly much. But it is life and I am blessed to know the people who went back this year and to get updates on my family. Here's a pic of two of my sweet boys from this year. They look so grown up!

I honestly was/still am so excited to catch up with the new team and really hear about their experiences, but I didn't realize how much it would make my heart ache. I've literally looked at every single picture I could get my hands on about 100 times. It makes my heart swell seeing them do so well, but it makes me sad that I may not see them for a few years...or 10. I've already started saving up to go back because I would honestly take a trip back there than to anywhere else in the world.
One of my honest fears was that they would forget me. This wasn't a pride thing like "I'm so awesome, how could they forget me?!?" It was more of the fact that they changed my life. Some of the kids, like the ones in this photo were young when we came last year. I know enough about development to know that it wasn't 100% that they would remember me. I found out that was not the case and I couldn't help but be overcome with joy. I love them. They are a part of me and I will never forget the impact they had on me. Even if I don't see these two for another 10 years.

3) Identity. I can honestly say that I found myself at Gordon. Cliche, I know, but true. I found who I was and who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go in life. I am secure in myself to not be swayed by the opinions of others. What other people say matters to me because I respect their opinions and ideas, but it cannot change the core of who I am. A dear friend and sister from my house in Bulembu wrote this in a letter to me:
"Remember to be yourself no matter how hard things are. Never try to be someone else you are not. Just be yourself, be who you are and never try and live a life of pleasing people because one day you will be disappointed. You are special to God and to me. Put God first in whatever you do in life and you will see wonderful things happening in your life."
This from the mouth of an 18 year old girl who is wise beyond her years. She is the same girl who I used to sing worship songs with every chance I could get. I miss her terribly, but her letter was perfect and I'm so thankful for her. It's amazing that even from 8,000 miles away, people can still speak into your life.
So, per her advice, I'm putting God first in everything I do and I'll wait for His wonderful things to happen.

There's so much more that I could write. So much more floating around in my head. So many more securities and insecurities in myself. What I do know is that everything lasts for a season and that I should not rush into the next season. I should wait and see what God has in store for me now - even though life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. He knows me - better than anyone - and I trust His judgment more than anything.



This is what I know: I'm not perfect. My identity is in Christ. My heart is in Bulembu. 


And right now, that's good enough for me.