Stand

Church has honestly been hard for me lately. Everything is so different here in the way that we completely ignore the Spirit and get weirded out if someone raises their hands. Church isn't about appearances. It's about connecting with God and fellowship with one another. You can connect with God outside of church. You don't have to be standing or sitting in a pew to feel God move. You don't have to be singing certain songs to feel Him pluck at your heartstrings. And one thing I've learned that completely redefined how I'm living, loving, and worshiping is that I don't have to be on African soil to feel God in a real way. It's true that I felt Him more frequently and easier when I was there because of the lack of distractions. It's also true that I haven't tried to rid myself of distractions since being back. The apathy I feel is my fault. I feel like people are always making excuses that God isn't speaking or that He isn't working. The question is are we listening and being sensitive to Him? Most of the time the answer is no.
This week at the new Grace Chapel in Wilmington was what I needed. For the first time in a long time I craved going to church. I couldn't wait! That's really all I thought about the night before and the morning of. I needed to be in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ like I needed water. When I say it's been a while...I'm talking years. There was a guest speaker from a church in Dorchester, MA named Bruce Wall. He was speaking on the topic of spiritual warfare. Considering my last month, this was a topic that piqued my interest. He read from Ephesians 6:10-18:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Look how many times stand is mentioned in this series of verses. When I've read these verses before it's always been about fighting for me. You put on armor to fight...duh. Apparently, not with God. We need that armor simply to stand our ground. The upside of this is that God gave us the tools to stand against any storm when they rage. And they will rage, whether it's families, body image, relationships, death or any other possible scenario. We each face trials and tribulations but we need to remember that we do not fight against flesh and blood (this is something that is really interesting to talk to pastors about =)). We simply clothe ourselves with the armor of God and do our best to stand in the middle of the storm while God fights for us.
Romans 8:37 says, "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." We are conquerors through Christ! He fights for us and through Him, we are victorious. What an incredible promise! I know that Christ will fight for me and that in His name I can stand firm using the armor that He has given me. It's such a relief to know that I can't and don't fight my own battles. I am me. I am flawed. He is God. He is perfect. I'd rather have perfection fighting for me than someone who has failed a thousand times.
Adjusting has been a storm for me. I feel as though a part of heart is missing and the truth is it is. I don't always feel at home here, but I know this is where God has me for such a time as this and He has equipped me to stand in the midst of this storm and it will end. I know that members of my team are feeling similar to this. Be encouraged! God never breaks His promises. Dive into the Word. It is saving me from feeling like I'm drowning. Don't get me wrong, I love my home and I love America. It's an amazing place and God has blessed me immensely. He's also shown me that storms are not so bad. They will come and go and you will be stronger after they pass.
The pastor mentioned this verse that gave me comfort when I thought directly of Bulembu:

Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.
You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.

Isaiah 26:2-4

Bulembu is keeping the faith and He gives them peace. They trust and He sustains. God is good!

I miss you beautiful and beloved Bulembu, but I know that you are safe in the palm of my Savior's hand. Rest in His overwhelming peace and trust in Him forever.

This familiar song took on new meaning after this sermon.

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

The Stand - Hillsong

If you read down this far, check out this video! Some good siSwati praise music!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9UXfwe76-g

"Why?"-me "Because I said so"-God

I was reading through my journal today and came across my entry from our second day in Bulembu. The excitement of waking up in Africa brings me back to that morning like it was this morning. It was the morning we started to see Bulembu for real. We toured the baby home and saw what ABC ministries does and it's tie to Bulembu ministries. It was a truly amazing place. One thing I wrote at the very end of the page was that I needed to address 3 questions: Why here? Why now? Why me? Ruth and Rose had presented us with those questions the night before and I realized that I never actually answered them on paper. I started to answer them in my mind, but I never actually wrote them down. I think I may have more answers to those now since being back.

"Why here?"
It kinda feels like a cop-out answer to say God sent me there, but it's true. I resisted and He kept pushing me to do this trip. Looking back on the trip, this was exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. I feel as though Africa has this stigma around it. Everyone wants to go help the poor and save the lost. Those are great reasons to serve, but I found that I was poor in spirit and that I was lost when it came to really feeling God. I became rich in the spirit and truly was found by God because I allowed myself to be used completely for His uses. Here in the USA I become way too practical and everything is thought over 100 times. There, if the people or God asked me to jump, I would ask how high. Africa, more in particular, Bulembu and it's people helped me to find something I've been searching for my entire life.

"Why now?"
I'll first give the practical reasons for this answer. I'm going into my final year of college. Next summer I'll be teaching late for my practicum and will be in the "real world". I will be an alumna of Gordon and will not be able to partake in any of their trips from then on. I had no summer job lined up that would demand my time. The list of practical answers goes on and on.
The list of answers God has given me is a shorter but more convincing list. First, I'm a single woman in my twenties who is not tied to a family or a stable job. I led a Bible study my freshman year at Gordon on a book that was called "Lady in Waiting". (If you've never read it, I highly encourage it.) One of the things that has stuck with me until this day is the sentiment that one should not mourn in their singleness, but use it for God's glory. I believe that's what God was showing me. He was showing me that He understands, but that He has amazing plans for me even at this stage in my life. He knows my desires, but sometimes His plans are better than you could have ever imagined your desires to be. Another answer God gave me was that I needed that slap to wake me out of the apathy I could feel myself slipping into. I needed to see that He still worked in miraculous ways that are sometimes seen and sometimes unseen. In our society, the latter is more common, but I realized that my practical side may be rationalizing the "sometimes seen" miracles. The things I saw there were miraculous. From the child you'd never seen before coming up and giving you a hug or launching themselves into your arms and saying they loved you to the Aunties who had survived incredible circumstances to stand before you and raise a housefull of children (any of which could be struggling with HIV). God showed me that miracles happen everyday and that I need to be opening my eyes to see what He is doing all around me.

"Why me?"
This is the question I struggled with the most. My co-leader and I had to choose our team. We had too many students apply and couldn't possibly take them all. This was the hardest thing I have every done, hands down. Through the entire process I kept asking why God had chosen me to lead and not someone else. Why was this my time to serve His people in Africa? God chose our team and He blessed us immensely with an absolutely incredible group of college students and amazing advisor. He knew was He was doing and was constantly whispering that into my heart in the late fall. The question remained in my mind even on the day we were leaving Boston. In one of my journal entry that day I wrote this, "God, am I ready? Can I ever be ready? Am I a good leader? How can I be better? What do I expect to happen and get out of this trip? None of these questions are answerable. I don't know if I want them to be either...God, You have walked before us and You know what we will experience. I trust that You are God and we are definitely not. God, mold me into the woman, leader, and person You want me to be. I am at Your feet begging You to use me for Your purpose and not my own." I remember the hesitation I felt at the start of this journal entry, but by the time I got to the part at the end, I felt complete peace about the fact that God would use me no matter how unusable I felt. I still don't know why He chose me, but I know that I'm so glad He did. I hope that I made an impact. I definitely felt as though the people, and in particular the kids, gave me so much more than I could have ever given, but I do know that I gave with my whole heart and that He will make good of it. I asked why and He told me it was because He said so. =)


I am now able to say that I am at peace with God's choice of using me to do His work. The ability to surrender to Him and His will was beyond anything I've ever been able to do and I long to feel that again. The issue I'm running into here is finding the ability to let Him have my life. I'm a planner. I'm a "J" for those who are familiar with Myers-Briggs. I'm both of those things to a fault sometimes. The thing that God is teaching me is that there are 2 sides to every story and there is more than just one adjective to describe a person. I'm am not only a "J" or a planner. I am someone who submitted to God and was used for His glory and His kingdom. I am someone who longs for my Savior. I am a princess to the King of Kings. I am clay that is ready to molded into whatever the Potter has in mind. <3

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than
you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God
has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to
show mercy, do it cheerfully."
Romans 12: 3-8

Cast your cares upon Him...

One thing that I have realized as I've been processing everything over the last week and a half is that I had things on my mind and issues to sort through before I left, but I pushed them to the back of my mind and tried not to think of them. One of my prayers while I was there was to really be there in mind and body. It worked! The problem is I didn't take the time to work through what I was going through at home. I had a pretty tough year this year and it was not the best idea to push all of that aside. Since being back, I am not only feeling raw feelings of all types, I'm also dealing with the baggage I went on the trip with. I have the most incredible friends who I know are praying for me and who God has placed specifically in my life for this season of my life. I'm realizing more and more that God knows what He's doing and that He will never leave me. He loves me more than words can express and that's the most incredible feeling ever! I want my heart and mind to be so lost in Him that I feel complete and utter contentment with Him leading my life.
This piece of wood was something I saw one of the first days and it hasn't left my mind since then. It's been a constant reminder to trust in Him above all else and to cast my cares upon Him. Try it! You'll feel the most incredible freedom knowing that your life is completely entrusted to someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

My Family

As I'm accepting being back in the US and figuring out my life for this summer, God keeps showing me that He is in control. I didn't have (and still don't) have a job lined up for the summer, but He allowed for me to house sit for a week and work full time in Admissions the week after returning home. I know that He will continue to plan out my summer and I'm excited for what He has in store. I've found that the one thing that has really helped me readjust to this home is having people around. I haven't had the greatest amount of energy to do much, but it's nice to know that someone will come and just sit next to you and eat smiley fries and do a puzzle. I can feel my energy coming back as the amount of tears I shed each week is waning. It's not any easier to be away from the people there, but God is showing me that He has a purpose for me here. One of the many reasons I love Gordon is the faculty. I set up a meeting with one of the Education professors and talked to her about the Education side of Bulembu and how I could help from so far away. It was amazing to hear her thoughts on their curriculum and what I could do as a lowly senior in college. I'm excited to see how Bulembu's schools will change and adjust over the next few years as they continue to expand.
God has enjoyed waking me up much earlier than I'm used to since being back. I thought I would come back and get right back into the schedule of going to bed late and getting up late. He has had other plans. Even days when I plan on sleeping in, He usually wakes me up between 5:30-6:30AM just so I can spend some time with Him. This morning, I woke up at 5:30AM in a hotel in New Hampshire. My mom and I are up here visiting and relaxing for the weekend. I was hoping to sleep until at least 9AM, but like I said before, God had other plans. I spent some time praying and singing saSwati songs to myself. I remember falling back asleep thinking, God just please let me know that they're ok and that they're resting in Your arms. Well, I guess He decided the best way to do that was in a dream. I dreamt that my team and I had gone on the Safari and were driving back through Bulembu to say our final goodbyes to our houses. Each person got dropped off at our individual houses and it felt so real as if I really was walking through the front doors. It was just about dark when we arrived and the houses were bustling with activity. I don't remember details, but I remember interacting with the kids and Auntie for a while then saying goodbye, but watching them as they played, did devotions, and got ready for bed. It was as if God was showing me my house and giving me an update on them. I didn't wake up sad even though, in my dream, I was saying goodbye. I woke up with peace knowing that they were doing well and that God was right there with them. This was the most vivid dream I've had about the kids and Bulembu. When they hugged me in my dream, I felt it. (It's like when you fall and break your leg in your dream and you wake up and your leg hurts-except better!) I've had small glimpses, but this was like a complete update full with how some of the kids were doing on their homework. I don't know how to explain this, but the peace I felt seeing people I care for so deeply living their lives and prospering has started the process of moving on. There's a balance of being in absolute love with a place and finding that same love in a different place or circumstance. I think I am now ready to find that same love in my life here. I'm realizing that this trip will take longer to process than I thought, but that may help me find a new passion based on the new passions I found in Bulembu.

This is my wonderful, beautiful family -->


To my other family aka my amazing team...I miss you so much and am praying for each of you daily! <3

Heebie Jeebies

I promised a story, so I'll tell one of the first ones there is to tell when we arrived in Bulembu and to our lovely home. It was the first night we were staying in Hyde Park 3 and we were each getting settled before going to bed. It had been a warm day so all of the windows in Chelsea, Ashleigh, and my room were open. My bed was closest to the window and I was just tidying up and talking to my roommates when Chelsea just points up at the ceiling. I saw a black thing on the ceiling when we had gotten back from dinner, but I wrote it off as a crack or blemish on the white. Funny part is...it was right above my bed. Chelsea just looks up and says that looks like a spider. It was long and didn't look like a spider at all, but when you looked closer, it was just spread out. Spread out it was probably 5+ inches long. So pretty much it was the biggest spider any of us had seen!!! Genius Matt comes in and decides to throw his hat at it which made it drop to the ground and start moving. Thankfully, Chelsea was prepared with a pan and lid and after much yelling from Sam to "put the lid on it!" it was finally captured under the lid. They finagled it into the large part of the pan and Matt ran outside with the top on and through it into the bushes. We do have a video of this and I'll try and find it and put it on facebook. It was quite the sight to see!
To say this was an exciting part of the trip is an understatement. I would open my eyes at random times through the first few nights and expect it to be lowering itself onto my face. I definitely had the heebie jeebies for a while. It was the biggest bug we saw while we were there except for the giant grasshoppers which were everywhere and were poisonous to eat. I've attached a picture of one of those.
One thing that has been interesting to readjust to are the mosquitoes! I don't think I saw one while I was in Africa and I already have a bite since being back.
It's weird but I miss the grasshoppers. It's just one part of the country that I've fallen in love with!

Forgetting...

A week ago today our team was leaving the amazing town and people of Bulembu. We drove through the town for the last time as we headed to the Safari. I couldn't help but tear up because even then I was afraid of forgetting. As a Psych major I know the unreliability of memories. From this point of view I'm terrified of forgetting. This morning was the first morning I didn't wake up thinking that I was halfway around the world and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. I'm starting to feel more at home here, but I don't want that to mean that I feel less at home in Bulembu. Sometimes I feel like this is dragging out longer than it should be but I honestly can't help it. I'm so worried about forgetting that I do everything I can do to keep thinking about it and the details of the trip. I don't want to forget the smell of Siboniso's head or the radiance of Timmy's smile or Hlobile's beautiful voice. I feel as though they're slipping away and there's nothing I can do about that. Memories dull with time. I never want to forget any detail but I'm learning to accept the fact that I will. Pictures are a beautiful invention and I thank God for them to be a constant reminder of my amazing time in Bulembu. What I mainly don't want to forget is the amazing way that I felt God while I was there. I can already feel myself becoming more apathetic since being back and I'm slipping on my daily time with Him. But I know it so I'm going to change it.
I think I'm going to start doing my alone time with God in the morning because I have been getting up between 530-630 every morning so that means I have time now. I just want to use my time to feel close to God and feel His embrace when I need it the most.

This was a more pensive post...more stories to come in the following posts.

Akabongwe somandla

Today marks the third day that I have been back in the United States. It marks the third day of realizing that I'm thousands of miles away from the children and people who have completely stolen my heart. Don't get me wrong - it's nice to be home and to feel "normal", but at times I feel absolutely lost. Walking into a grocery store gave me anxiety...weird right? I've had the constant urge to cry whenever I think about how much I miss those kids and I'm not a crier. This sounds like a very negative post, but it's not meant to be. It's meant to be the tip of the iceberg of what God did in my life in the last month. I allowed the kids and people of Bulembu into my heart which can sometimes be like Fort Knox. The amazing thing is I allowed them in without a shred of fight in me. I longed for them to be let in and to influence my life in all different ways. Each person in that town has forever affected how I live my life and how I will live my life in the future.
We were each assigned a house to be in for the duration of our time in Bulembu. Alicia and I were assigned to house 6. We didn't know what that meant or why God had put us together or with those kids, but we knew that we were there for a reason and that God had a plan for us. Well, God's plan was a fantastic one! The Auntie or Mom of the house was one of the most incredible Christian women I have ever meant. I heard her life story and through that felt her heart beating for Christ and for the kids that He has placed in her life. She has 8 kids in her house ranging in age from 6 years old to 17 years old. Each of them is completely unique and wonderful. Once the kids turn 18 they are moved to senior boys and girls houses to learn more about being an adult and providing for themselves. Kids are not brought into the actual houses until age 4. Before then, they are in baby houses and toddler houses. The system that they are using seems to be very effective and benefits the kids.
My favorite experience in the house happened the one night we all stayed for dinner in our houses. Alicia and I weren't sure how it was going to go and neither of us knew what the customs or traditions around dinner were in Swazi culture. Dinner was quiet for the first few minutes and I didn't know if it was just us or if it was the culture, so I just started to ask questions at different kids around the table. After awhile the conversations flowed and I found out so much more about the house and the family residing inside. After our dinner of bean soup, pap, and cole slaw, we moved a few feet to the living room. The oldest boy had an energy test the next day so he was studying by the fire. The rest of us were taking a few pictures and just hanging out. The oldest girl pulled me aside and showed me a notebook she had going with English praise songs inside that she had learned from church. Songs such as Mighty to Save among others. She asked if I wanted to sing them with her and one of her sisters. Just a quick side note, one thing I really learned on this trip was that God gave us a voice for a reason, whether we can sing or not. I can be shy about singing around people, especially if I know they're listening, but it didn't seem to matter there. I was singing with them and that helped to bond us. Anyway, back to the story, so the older girls and I started to sing songs - lots of songs! Soon, the kids joined in. While we were singing a song, I noticed the older boy was tapping his foot and humming along. I called his name and told him that he should come sing for a few minutes. He didn't even hesitate. He plays in the band at church, so most of the songs were extremely familiar to him. I remember sitting there and listening to their voices and all I could say was praise God for each of these people and for His plan for their lives. This "family" was beautiful and not normal by "normal" standards. They were God's type of family. A family with Him at the center and love all around. Alicia and I were wholeheartedly accepted into this family and I am forever grateful. When one of the boys was writing a list of his family in my journal, Alicia and I were on that list.
It's still hard for me to think of them without crying, but it isn't a bad cry or a sorrowful cry. It's a cry of love and thankfulness for getting the amazing opportunity to fall head over heels in love with these people.
I don't know if I said my last goodbyes to my Swazi family, but I feel as though God is done with me yet. I feel like He has so much more to teach me through my time in Bulembu and maybe more through going back. I don't know, but He does and that is sufficient for me.


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord..."
Jeremiah 29:11-14


Thank you, God, for being a God who listens, plans, and is found by us. Help us to seek you daily with our WHOLE heart and not just what we can afford that day. <3