Looking Ahead

2012. What an interesting and challenging year.

Last year was a year of extreme joy and tough trials. I graduated from college, got to see my brothers twice in the same year, fell in love with three different classes of students, and made friends that will last a lifetime. There were many lasts and many firsts. My trials were not as time specific, but impacted my life just as much.  

I learned that life does not always go according to my plans and that the only one that will be there every moment of every day is my God. He knows me better than anyone in my life and He loves me so completely that I cannot even begin to imagine it. 

He has spoken to me in such a variety of ways this year. He has spoken through laughter, longing, tears, grace, and a never ending supply of love. 

It has been a year and a half since I was in Swaziland and that blows my mind. Some days it feels like yesterday. My arms physically ache to hold those kids in my arms and to hug my Auntie. I've never felt such a similar ache of longing between my arms and my heart before. I long to sit on the lawn, close my eyes, and listen to the sounds of Aunties bustling about, children laughing, and animals scurrying. I miss the days of having 2+ hours of alone time with my Creator. The days where His heart and mine felt like one. My heart broke for what His heart broke for. I smiled at what He smiles at. I felt a peace that surpasses any understanding this world has to offer. 

This last year I felt myself become apathetic which is one of my biggest fears. Apathy is something that I hate to see in myself. There is so much to live for and care for that I do not have time to be apathetic. I have passions that extend beyond myself and those are worth my time and care. I don't put a lot of stock in New Year's resolutions, but I do have one...do not become apathetic in any area of my life. This is going to take a lot of intentionality and effort, but it will be so worth it in the end. I will live fuller and love more completely. 

Love. What does it mean to love? Love means giving part of yourself to another person - no matter who they are and no matter for how long. Each of my students has a piece of me and I a piece of them. Each of my friends have a piece of me and I of them. The same goes for my family. My precious Timmy who is still learning what love means has a huge piece of my heart and I carry him with me daily. I love to love. It can also be scary because there is always risk of it not being returned...but that's for another day. We are called to love our God and love our neighbor. Fear has no place in our relationships because love was ordained and set about by the greatest Lover in all of eternity. I rest in His love as I wait for His timing on everything in my life. 

This year will be a year of learning to be content with the daily blessings that my Savior pours out on me. I was discontent last year and it did not help me in any way. I will learn to be content and notice the blessings that I have in my life. He has given me SO much that I take for granted. I implore you to help me with this. When I start to feel discontent, call me out on it. It will be a much needed humbling experience that will allow me to see the blessings of amazing friends in my life. 

So, as I look ahead to a new year of blessings and trials, I ask that God may bless your year exponentially. Take time to look around at the blessings that God has bestowed on your life and to look to Him for His timing and His will. He knows better than we do and He has a greater plan than we can ever imagine. He has a plan for my life. He has a plan for your life. He has a plan for Timmy's life. Embrace His plan and His love and there is no other emotion to feel but true, unadulterated love and joy. Take a note from this beautiful little boy whom I can unashamedly say that I love wholeheartedly. 

My Heart is Overwhelmed.

Looking at my drafts of blog posts, there are about 10 that are unfinished. My life has been so incredibly hectic lately that I have not had any time to breathe much less sit and write a blog entry. Tonight, I'm taking that time. More for me than anyone or anything else. If I don't write, all of the millions of thoughts I think stay in my head and I find myself running in circles. (Anyone else like this??) When I write, whether it be on here or in my journal, my thoughts are able to somehow organize themselves and come out onto paper or a computer screen. So here are the thoughts that I could not contain in my head for any longer.

I love my job. I'm exhausted by my job. I feel as though those two facts will be intertwined for quite some time, if not the rest of my life. My students challenge me daily. But seeing growth in any area of their lives is worth every early morning and every long night spent cutting out game pieces and writing lesson plans. Children are truly incredible. And the things that these kids experience take my breath away. I have children who have the mindset that they are bad or horrible. It absolutely breaks my heart. I do my absolute best to build them up and give them confidence and the right behaviors and attitudes to exude. As I like to say, the academics are about 50% of a teacher's job. We teach them social skills as well as how to be a functioning member of society. We teach them things that their parents should be teaching them, such as confidence and personal responsibility. In my classroom, the majority of my students would be what are called "behavior" students. To me that usually means there's more going on than meets the eye. Now that I've had quite a while to get to know them, I see their insecurities and their fears and I can relate. Several of them can't start their day until they give me a quick side hug and a "Good morning, Ms. Burke!" The relationship between a teacher and student is so incredibly important. And each one is unique and individual. Beautiful. I have those students that push the limits, but I don't love them any less. As my principal says, the best thing we can give these kids is an education because that gives them an opportunity of a future. And hey, I never have a shortage of good stories! =)

As you may have noticed, if you have read more than one of my entries, everything relates back to my time in Swaziland. I have pictures in my classroom and my students know about my time there and how much I love it. If you know me at all, you know that I'm definitely not a morning person. I function better at night. Getting out of bed is quite the chore each morning. The thing that has made it just a little bit easier is the fact that I get to see every single sunrise now while I drive to work. When I was in Swazi, I was up for 99% of the sunrises. It was amazing to be able to see such a glorious work of art each morning. It puts me in such a happy place of memories and hopes for a new day that most days start off beautifully. It's just one more reminder from God that He knows me. He knows what I love and it's become just another blessing on my life. He is blessing me exponentially right now.

Sometimes I find it hard to balance all of the my blessings because some of them come in unique and tough packages. I asked for Him to provide for me financially. He does so by giving me 3 jobs. A full time, teaching job; weekends at Victoria's Secret; and babysitting two or so nights a week. While this makes for a very busy Kristen, it allows me to save more money than I would otherwise. He's also given me little blessings within these jobs such as fantastic people to work with at VS and a family I describe as handpicked by God to babysit for.

I forget how well He knows me all the time. I try and hide my true feelings and emotions from even Him (dumb, I know). He's done quite the work in me over the last few years though and is putting people in my life that are challenging me and helping me grow and I am so incredibly grateful for them. There's a song by Hillsong that has resonated with me lately. It's called My Heart is Overwhelmed. It's a beautiful explanation of how I've been thinking and feeling lately. Challenged, but so loved and blessed by the One who loves the deepest. How can I not feel that way? "I'm found in grace and love's embrace. My heart is overwhelmed."

I pray that your heart feels overwhelmed by God's grace. It is so easy to forget in our world. So easy to stay too busy and simply forget how thankful we should be for every breath we take. Be blessed. Bless others.

New Beginnings

A lot has changed over the last few months. I feel as though my life has been in a constant state of change. Well, it's now a little more stable as I had my first day teaching second grade! I'm taking over a long-term substitute position at an elementary school in Lynn, MA. The position was such an answer to prayer in every possible way. God gave me a supportive school with standards, the grade I've always wanted, and in the city that I have a heart for. God is so incredibly good! Today I arrived at school at 6:50am and went through my day as best I could (it went surprisingly well!), and I just got home at 7:30pm because we had an open house. I got to meet my students parents and get to know my students a little better. Apparently, God didn't want me to feel overwhelmed or nervous cause I had no nerves and the last parent (when I was so tired I thought I might fall over) was amazing and told me that her family was Christian. I told her I was as well, and she just kept saying, "I've been praying for you! I've been praying for you!" That's an amazing feeling to know that you're someones answer to prayer and to be able to tell them that they're your answer to prayer. If her child wasn't there, I wouldn't have a classroom.
I would love to write more and will in the days to come as God reveals Himself to me more, but I'm exhausted and have to finish planning for my lovely group of 19 students tomorrow!

Here's to new beginnings...

Transitions

I've officially been out of college for three months now. That's so crazy to say and even think about. The place I called home for my entire adult life up to this point is no longer my home. When I started this summer, I thought that I would always find myself wanting to go back to Gordon and be a part of it. In a sense, I will always be a part of Gordon and Gordon will always be a part of me. It's more than the school, though. I'm realizing it's the people. As I was back on campus this week to watch the amazing Orientation staff do their thing (they did wonderful!) and welcome all of those new students to campus, I realized something. Gordon is no longer my home - as a student that is. It is forever a part of me, but when I looked around and saw a sea of faces that I didn't know, I didn't feel like I was meant to be living and learning there anymore. Ironic, isn't it, that I was welcomed to Gordon in a sea of unfamiliar faces and I no longer feel at home because of a similar sea. Gordon will always be a comfort zone and familiar to me in some ways, but the ability to separate myself as a student is an important one for this transition into "actual" adulthood. It was the perfect place for me to be for the last four years, but now it's someone else's perfect place to be. I can't thank the people who spoke into my life and who allowed me to speak into theirs enough. You are the people who made my Gordon experience what it was. The buildings and books were just the tools that were used to accomplish one task. The people and opportunities were what truly changed my life for the better. From my professors to my friends - I treasure every moment I spent with you. Your place and time in my life, no matter how small, made me who I am today and I am forever grateful.

Now, Gordon was not all rainbows and butterflies, but I'm thankful for the time I had there. This summer has been an interesting one of finding out who I am without it. Being me was always easy, but there were always some sort of expectation over me. When I was doing Orientation, I was on O-Staff and Core Staff and I knew the expectations that my boss and students expressed over my life. When I led a bread group (yes, I will forever call them bread groups ;)), I had a certain expectation over me in how I acted and lived. These expectations were in no way bad! They just seemed to give me a guideline of how I was supposed to act and live my life. When I left Gordon in May, I've had to figure out who I was and how I should act without these expectations over my life. This entire summer has been me discovering who I am without Gordon and all of the support and guidance it brought with it. To be honest, I'm still discovering and will be for a long time. But maybe that's the point - as we grow in ourselves, we further discover who we are in Christ. The longer I'm out of Gordon, I realize how important He is to everything that I do. This summer I was severely lacking in my quiet time. I guess part of me wanted to see if I could do it by myself. I'm stubborn to the core and while a lot of times that's not a bad thing, it can be my Achilles heel. I tend to deal with my issues on my own before bringing anyone into it. It's rare for anyone to see me in the middle of a crisis because by the time people see me, I've usually figured it out mostly. That's not to say that I don't take people's advice and treasure the times when I can be vulnerable, but I like to figure it out myself first. It's not only without people though, it's without God too. I know that He loves me no matter what shambles my life may (seem to) be in, but for some reason, I still want to try and make it better myself first. It's been no different this summer. I've tried to figure out who I am without the most important part of myself. He's way more than just an accessory. He needs to be at the core of who I am. Finally, my heart knows this as well as my head does. It's only taken a few months...

Going forward from this day, August 28th, the day before my 22nd birthday, I declare that my life will be forever grounded in Christ and His plan for my life. A wonderful friend sent me this sermon to listen to and it only confirmed my own thoughts. In it, Louie Giglio made this statement, "The anchor for the heart is the Cross of Christ." How incredibly true this statement is. My heart has been anchored in the world and my own mind the last few months and that has done me absolutely no good. In the last week, I've felt more peace, love, acceptance, and excitement than the entire summer combined. My heart is anchored in the Cross and the love that was poured out there for me and for the world.

Even though my heart is anchored in Christ does not mean that my life will be easy by any means. My job is still unsure of for the fall which adds so much more anxiety that I originally thought it would. I've had a pretty set job prospect since January and all of the sudden reality (and hiring freezes) hits and changes everything. Everything I thought was a sure thing for this next year isn't. But the cool thing I'm seeing is that I know God is working through all of it and the peace that He's given me through all of it really does pass all understanding. Some of the circumstances that have occurred can't be explained any other way. He is intervening in my life and bringing me along side Him for this wild ride. He's giving me new passions in which to pour myself into - something I didn't expect to experience.

I still miss Africa. I miss Bulembu and the amazing people on a daily basis. It's been over a year and I still think of them a thousand times a day. Their faces grace my walls and my computer screen. If you talk to me for more than 10 minutes, I'm likely to mention it. It's a part of me. Just like Gordon is a part of me.

So who am I? I'm Kristen Dawn Michelle Burke. An almost 22 year old college graduate with a love and passion for life and beauty. I'm a work in progress. And I'm the daughter of the King of the Universe who loves me more than I could ever ask or imagine.

Ya know what? That's more than enough for now. I'm blessed to be living my life alongside the people who God has so graciously given me. Transitions are going to be happening throughout my life, but I will pass through them just as I'm passing through this one - with Christ as my vision and guide.

Perfection, Bulembu, and Identity

I've needed to write for so long and I'm finally making myself do it. I apologize if it's a little scatterbrained. I've had so much running through my mind. I will try to be organized, though! =)

1) I've always had this issue within my own mind that I have to be, or appear to be, perfect. And not perfect in like the 'perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect makeup' type of perfection (if you know me, you know I tend to go for the relaxed look haha), but in the 'I have my life together and nothing phases me' type of perfection. It's true that I handle stressful situations better than most and because of that it appears as though I'm in complete control of what's going on. If only you could read my mind. My mind is usually going a hundred miles an hour trying to problem solve. I learned long ago that it doesn't help anything to stand around and hope that situations are going to get better - you have to go after it in prayer and in action. If you don't like your life circumstances, then change them. I know that this is easier said than done at times depending on the life circumstance, but for the most part it works. I am definitely a problem solver by nature and I like it that way. It keeps me busy and it keeps my life somewhat simple. But I've realized that it also gives people an interesting view of me. I've been in a lot of leadership positions and I know from those positions that people are going to feel more secure following you if you're on top of things. Nothing frustrates me more than a leader who is chronically ignorant or disorganized. I say chronically because we are all human and all have these moments. I just want to set the record straight - I'm no where near perfect. I'm incredibly self-critical so to hear people say that I come off that way makes me laugh. But I've realized how true it is. It's something God and I are working on together. Because I don't think that being confident in what you do is bad, in fact, I think it's a great thing! But sometimes it can border on being overconfident which is not a good thing.

2) I know that I talk about Bulembu all of the time, but it has been the most influential experience of my life and I ache to be back there. Life was simple. The people were amazing. God's grace, mercy, power, and love were so incredibly evident with every smile and sunrise. Here in the USA, everything feels muted or like there is a sheet over how amazing God is. I know that I am partly to blame for this because I haven't been taking my quiet time like I did there. I haven't been seeking Him before making decisions. I've actually been staying far away from Him lately because I have felt so inadequate. Not being able to go back to Bulembu has been the hardest thing this past year. It's honestly broken my heart to not be able to see the people and place that I love so incredibly much. But it is life and I am blessed to know the people who went back this year and to get updates on my family. Here's a pic of two of my sweet boys from this year. They look so grown up!

I honestly was/still am so excited to catch up with the new team and really hear about their experiences, but I didn't realize how much it would make my heart ache. I've literally looked at every single picture I could get my hands on about 100 times. It makes my heart swell seeing them do so well, but it makes me sad that I may not see them for a few years...or 10. I've already started saving up to go back because I would honestly take a trip back there than to anywhere else in the world.
One of my honest fears was that they would forget me. This wasn't a pride thing like "I'm so awesome, how could they forget me?!?" It was more of the fact that they changed my life. Some of the kids, like the ones in this photo were young when we came last year. I know enough about development to know that it wasn't 100% that they would remember me. I found out that was not the case and I couldn't help but be overcome with joy. I love them. They are a part of me and I will never forget the impact they had on me. Even if I don't see these two for another 10 years.

3) Identity. I can honestly say that I found myself at Gordon. Cliche, I know, but true. I found who I was and who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go in life. I am secure in myself to not be swayed by the opinions of others. What other people say matters to me because I respect their opinions and ideas, but it cannot change the core of who I am. A dear friend and sister from my house in Bulembu wrote this in a letter to me:
"Remember to be yourself no matter how hard things are. Never try to be someone else you are not. Just be yourself, be who you are and never try and live a life of pleasing people because one day you will be disappointed. You are special to God and to me. Put God first in whatever you do in life and you will see wonderful things happening in your life."
This from the mouth of an 18 year old girl who is wise beyond her years. She is the same girl who I used to sing worship songs with every chance I could get. I miss her terribly, but her letter was perfect and I'm so thankful for her. It's amazing that even from 8,000 miles away, people can still speak into your life.
So, per her advice, I'm putting God first in everything I do and I'll wait for His wonderful things to happen.

There's so much more that I could write. So much more floating around in my head. So many more securities and insecurities in myself. What I do know is that everything lasts for a season and that I should not rush into the next season. I should wait and see what God has in store for me now - even though life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. He knows me - better than anyone - and I trust His judgment more than anything.



This is what I know: I'm not perfect. My identity is in Christ. My heart is in Bulembu. 


And right now, that's good enough for me.

1 year.

A year. It's been one whole year since I got back from Swazi. I remember exactly what my emotions and thoughts were and they weren't exactly happy about being back in the States. I can't help but have my emotions be the same now. Swazi has been on my mind all day (more than usual) and it's because of a dream.
As of today, I've had three very realistic dreams of my family. I see them as God giving me a glimpse of my family. This morning's dream was no different. I was back in the front yard of House #6 watching as children ran and played. I listened as they giggled and shouted and I reveled in the sound. I smelled the smells of dirt and clay mixed with little kid sweat - that may not sound appealing, but it's one of the best smells in the world. In other words, I was home. I looked around and out of the group of children, I saw the ones who specifically have my heart - my family. They were more grown up, but their eyes showed such innocence and trust. It's a look that I miss dearly. As every dream does, the dream ended and I awoke feeling nostalgic and sad that I can not see them in person.
But this post is not all sad. I also rejoice in the fact that the team from Gordon has loved on my family over the last month. I rejoice in the fact that another friend from Gordon is embarking on a seven week trip to Bulembu. I rejoice in the fact that God is still God no matter what I may be feeling at the present moment. I, not for one moment, regret going to Bulembu. Nor do I regret coming home. I learned so much about myself and about the world and have used what I learned to make me a better person. I have no regrets - except for not eating a cricket...oh well, next time!
In an email to a dear friend I wrote this:


"The third place I see God's plan working and my life molding to His providence is with the whole Swazi experience. I didn't want to lead a missions trip I simply wanted to be a participant -- look where that got me. I got to experience Christ's love in a real and relevant way. I got to see His eyes gazing on me with love in every child I set eyes on. I felt His loving embrace anytime a child launched himself/herself onto me without regret or hesitation. I heard His voice through my Auntie speaking into my life. I saw Him and felt Him in new and exciting ways as well as in ways that were second nature to me. Through taking time to seek Him, I found that my relationship with Christ is just that - a relationship. And I've been severely neglectful on my end. Even through all of that, He has been faithful to provide for me in every possible way. I strongly believe that my second graders this year were given to me specifically because of my experience in Africa. These kids needed the same things that my kids in Bulembu did. They needed that love that gave them boundaries but also knew no boundaries. I loved them through setting routines and rules and enforcing them when needed. But I also loved them by taking the time to invest in their lives and show them loves in the different ways they needed to see it and experience it. Swazi changed the way I view people. It changed the way I love. I love much more freely than I ever have. I've been given the capacity to love so that I could share it with others. That doesn't meant that I'm going around and telling everyone I love them. Instead, I'm putting the words into actions in the ways that different people need it. It's not the 'one size fits all' kind of love. It's deep and passionate and meaningful. It's Christ's love for us. The one that should give us chills everytime we think about it. He showed me what it is like to say 'I love you' and have it mean more than just a saying to someone. He showed me that it should send shivers down your spine and make your mouth dry. That it should come from the core of your being and it should resonate in the deepest depths of your heart. 
And as much as I miss the people who have been pillars of strength in my life now that Gordon is done, I see that God is giving me His strength which can sustain me through anything I may come across. I am His daughter; His princess. And He loves me more than I could ever imagine or express. I am forever claimed and pursued by a Lover whose love will never fade away. I could ask for nothing more. Because of my Savior's abundance of love, I know that He will give me a love on earth that is a glimpse of what is to come. I wait patiently for His timing and in this time of waiting, I will seek Him for answers."


So many people have asked me the best part of Swazi or what I learned when I was in Africa. The simple, yet wildly complex answer is that I learned how to love and be loved in return. It's easy for me to give myself to others and invest in their lives, but it is extremely hard for me to make myself vulnerable enough to accept love from other people. God's working on me though and is opening my eyes to wonders I've never seen before in His love.
So, yes, it is one year and I've been a little sad today. But I rejoice in His love and neverending grace and patience with me. He knows the desires of my heart and I can't wait to see His plan unfold in my life over the next year.
I will never forget Bulembu or the effect it had on me. In fact, I will carry it with me as a reminder of growth, faith, and love.


Oh, praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead. 

Ramblings of a Graduate

I'm sitting in my apartment at Gordon listening to the hustle and bustle of people packing up and moving out. The voices I hear are marked with excitement and sadness, energy and exhaustion. It has been a pretty crazy few days for those of us who have graduated. But I can now say that I am: GRADUATED.It's a strange phenomenon to be able to say that. I feel as though I just came to terms with being graduated from high school and now I have my Bachelors of Science in Early Childhood Education and Psychology with a concentration in ESL. Quite the mouthful, right?
The ceremony was really nice with a wonderful address from our president emeritus, Jud Carlberg. He was the perfect person to give the commencement address as he holds a very special place in many of our hearts.
I got to see my amazing mentor and she is the only person who has made me cry so far.
My family was here to see me and that meant the world to me. Especially my brothers being like mini paparazzi after I received my diploma! =)
Since I came back to campus last night, I've been trying to figure out my mood. I feel incredibly blessed for everything that I have experienced and all the people that I have gotten to know. It's resonating with me from deep in my soul and I am at peace with what the last 4 years have held and what the next 4 years will hold. I'm blessed to be living, breathing, and loving for another day. So many times I forget how blessed I am to have life and to have it to the fullest (John 10:10). The only thing is I feel a hint of sadness for this part of my life to be over. I love my friends and living in such a close community with them. They're never more than a 4 minute walk away and that's amazing. I, on the other hand, am not going to miss living on campus in an apartment with 5 other girls. I love you, ladies, but I need my own space now! ;)
I'm ready to be done with being a student and I'm ready to go out and pursue a career that I'll love. What I'm not ready for is everyone to be so far away. I didn't really say goodbye to anyone yesterday. I saw some people and gave them hugs, but I didn't really say goodbye. The person I said goodbye to most was one of my best friends, Jordan. He has been an incredibly large part of my life for the last 2 years and we have helped and watched each other grow in some great ways. I am so blessed to have him as a part of my life. It's simply hard to think about the fact that he won't be a minute walk away from me anymore. I won't be able to see him and talk to him whenever I want. I mean, last summer with Swazi, we didn't talk for a month, but that was different. And yes, I know that I don't know what the future holds and we may end up living near each other some day, but it's just a strange transition to know that neither of us will ever move back on to Gordon's campus. We will never live in a community like this. We're now about 1,000 miles from each other. And this goes for more than just Jordan. It goes for many of my dear friends who are heading back to the mid-west, the south, and the west coast. I'm going to miss having this community at my fingertips.
As I'm writing this, I feel as though my thoughts are so disjointed. I'm feeling a mix of emotions and that makes my thought process a little clouded. There's much uncertainty that lies ahead, but I'm sure of several things:

• I get to spend an amazing week with my incredible brothers. 
• I am a college graduate and I will get a job.
• I get to finish up the elementary school year with students who I adore and who love me just the same. 
• I have a fun and pretty relaxing summer ahead of me. 
• Goodbye is not the end. My friendships live on and I can't wait to see how they grow as we grow in our lives. 
• I am blessed. Blessed to have had this incredible opportunity. Blessed by God in ways that I'll be discovering for the rest of my life. And blessed by those around me who invest in my life. 
• God is good through it all - the good and certain and the bad and uncertain. I will look to Him who works all things for good for those who love Him who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Thank you, Gordon, friends, and family for an amazing life so far. I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me and for those around me. Only God knows! ;)

Thoughtful and Thankful

As I think back to a year ago, I can still feel the excitement I felt then. Finals were finishing up. Last minute planning for Swazi was commencing. I was helping out with Graduation and was watching some very dear friends walk across that stage and into the next part of their lives.
Now, one year later, that's me. I'm graduating college. I'M. GRADUATING. COLLEGE. Where in the world did the time go? In some ways I feel as though I just walked onto campus as a freshman with high hopes and dreams for my college years. In other ways, I feel as though Gordon has prepared me for the next step in my life. I'm ready to be done being in a college classroom and am excited to put to work what I've learned over the last few years.
I'm also excited to put what I didn't learn in the classroom to work as I transition out of a safe environment out into the 'real world.' I learned just as much, if not more, outside the classroom than inside one. I've grown in ways I could not have dreamt about in high school. I'm not the person I once was. I'm better. I'm stronger. I'm more in love with Christ than the day I walked onto this campus. Is that due to chapel services or student led prayer and worship? Partially. But it's mostly due to the incredible friendships that I made in and through this very unique place.
I've heard it said that the people you surround yourself with shape who you are and who you will become. It couldn't be more true. I've had the opportunity to pursue deep relationships with so many people on this campus and I'm so grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to see growth in others that still astounds me. One of the most miraculous things to watch is God working in people's lives.
I've learned more from the people around me than anything I could learn in a book. I've learned what it means to be an individual. Through the people I've surrounded myself with, I've found me. I know who I am now and I'm secure in it. Through pursuing Christ and the people He has placed so perfectly in my life, I've found the woman that He has created me to be. I'm able to be me more than I ever have before and it's an incredible burden off of my shoulders. Those who know me well, know that I don't have everything in my life together and that I'm a little bit crazy. Or as my students say - I've lost my marbles (yay for English idioms that second language learners haven't heard before! =)) I know who I am in Christ. I don't have to be anyone else. I don't have to be who someone else wants me to be. I am me and that is more than enough for Him.
I've also learned that no matter what, life is beautiful. Nothing taught me this more than Africa. I saw children with shoes that were broken apart and who didn't have families or whose families didn't want them, yet they felt overwhelming joy. So why do I sit idly by and complain about lesson plans when I am incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to study at a place that taught me so much more than how to teach a math lesson to a child? I've learned how to love children. I've always had a slight obsession with children (and National Geographic, but that's another story) and a love that I can't quite explain. House #6 in Bulembu solidified my love for children even more. I learned that loving children is so much more than playing hide-and-go-seek or soccer or helping them learn a new concept. It's investing in them and telling and showing them that you're proud of them and that you care. I honestly love the children in my classroom. Ask anyone who talks to me daily or weekly and I always have a hundred stories to share about them (especially about second grade boys who have little crushes ;)). An example of this is one of my boys who has a hard time behaviorally. Instead of just pushing him aside and ignoring his actions, I took them on headfirst. I set expectations and we talk about his behavior daily. This keeps both him and I accountable for his actions and last week I told him I was proud of him for his progress and effort. I thought he might burst out crying right on the spot. Instead, he comes over and gives me the sweetest hug that I've received since Bulembu. It was full of hope and thankfulness.
It is with a similar hope and thankfulness that I am leaving Gordon with. Gordon took me in when I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. Since giving me a place to learn and grow, I've become the person I could never have imagined. Thank you, Gordon, for the incredible four years you've given me and for preparing me for what lies ahead. You'll never be far from my heart, mind, and prayers.
Thank you to my friends who have made these four years memorable with countless midnight trips to the beach, insane dance parties, movies nights, birthday parties, and so much more. I wouldn't be in this place without you and you will all be a piece of me forever.
To my friends who still have some time left at Gordon...here's some advice: treasure every day you have. Gordon has faults, but don't dwell on them. Look for where God is leading you and trust that He knows so much better than you. Trust His will above your own and He will make your path straight every time. Seek Him first and everything else will fall into place. Go on as many adventures as you can and invest in the relationships that are here. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers and I know that this is not the end for us.
And finally, thank you Bulembu, for being the single most incredible experience of my life thus far. You changed my life and made me who I am. For that, I am forever grateful.

To the Class of 2012 - WE DID IT! Whether your future is set out in front of you or not, trust in God and He will reveal it in due time. <3

James 2

Lately I've been in the book of James and it's showing me some amazing things. In James 1, it talks about persevering, among other things, which has been a huge thing for me this year. When I came across James 2 something clicked for me in some of the verses:


What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

 ¹⁸ But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

   Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. ¹⁹ You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

 ²⁰ You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless^[d]? ²¹ Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? ²²You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. ²³ And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,”^[e] and he was called God’s friend. ²⁴ You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

 ²⁵ In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? ²⁶ As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

These verses hit me hard. We talk about our faith all of the time, but are we putting it into action by doing deeds. The part that I liked the most is the part that is bolded: "I will show you my faith by my deeds." I want to live a life in which people will know that I am His. That won't happen by me constantly talking about my relationship with God and how amazing He is...that's only part of it. That's all talk. It will happen by my actions. I long to exude Christ through every pore of my being. It's a hard task, but one that I have a renewed fervor to do. 

There's an old phrase that I grew up with: "You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" I am done being all talk. I will walk the walk in any and every situation. Whether I'm back in Africa or here in Massachusetts. My life is His and I will thank Him for His love every second of every day in everything I do. 

<3

My eyes ever on Jesus' face.

"Keep my eyes ever on Jesus' face." 

I woke up this morning with these words in my mind and heart. Something about them just resonated with me. It may be the fact that I'm in awe of this simple phrase. What does it mean to keep my eyes ever on His face and His face alone. There are so many distractions in my life: car troubles, lesson plans, friends, family, graduation, the future, the past, my insecurities...the list goes on and on. Some of these distractions are blessings from God and His wonderful provisions, but some come from my own fallen nature and are not from God at all. How do I keep my eyes on Him when I'm stressed and can't see through 'til tomorrow? It feels like such a big idea, but when I really think about it, it is pretty simple. When I say 'simple', I don't mean easy. I just mean that through my own overthinking, the idea of simplicity gets muddled and tarnished. It really is as simple as focusing on God and allowing Him to rule my life and my relationships. It's days like this when I'm sitting in Panera writing lots of lesson plans that He reminds me of my time in Swazi and what I learned from it. My life was not easy when I was there, but it was simpler. I spent my days serving people and giving myself to those around me. What I didn't understand when I was there was that I actually got more than I gave. The wonderful relationships of my team and of the people there filled me to the brim with gratitude. The closeness I felt to Christ was something I long to replicate. It wasn't a "God high" that you usually hear about when talking about mission trips; it was something better. It was a lifestyle focused around God and not around my busy schedule. It was simplicity at it's best. He was the center of my life and my eyes were fixed on Him daily. Why can't I do that here? Why does my God time depend on my school work and my level of exhaustion? I dealt with situations in a completely new way and I saw clearly for the first time in my life (or so it seems). 

I used to ask myself the question, "What can it hurt?" in reference to various situations. Instead of asking that question, I began asking these ones: "How does this make me a better person and follower of Christ? Would this be something that God would plan for my life or is this my own plan and flesh getting in the way?" As I'm getting older, I'm realized how many insecurities exist in my life and relationships. I take heart in the fact that there are absolutely no insecurities in my relationship with Christ. Yes, I mess up daily, but I know that He is there to catch me as I stumble and to correct my path. It's not only learning from your mistakes that's important, it's not repeating them that is the most important part. 

The lyrics to the song 'Lord of Lords' by Hillsong have been running through my mind all day and I find them inspiring. They put my life in context and give me renewed passion and motivation to seek after Him because I'm where I am now to bring Him glory.

Beholding Your beauty 
Is all that I long for 
To worship You Jesus 
Is my sole desire 
For this very heart 
You have shaped for your pleasure 

Purposed to lift Your Name higher 

Here in surrender 
In pure adoration 
I enter Your courts 
With an offering of praise 
I am Your servant 
Come to bring You glory 
As is fit for the work of Your hands 

[Chorus 1:]
Now unto the Lamb 
Who sits on the throne 
Be glory and honor and praise 
All of creation resounds with the song 
Worship and praise Him 
The Lord of lords 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brooke_fraser/lord_of_lords.html ]
Spirit now living 
And dwelling within me 
Keep my eyes fixed 
Ever on Jesus' face 
Let not the things of this world 
Ever sway me 
I'll run 'til I finish the race 

[Chorus 2:]
Now unto the Lamb 
Who sits on the throne 
Be glory and honor and praise 
All of eternity echoes the song 
Worship and praise Him 
The Lord of lords 

Holy Lord 
You are holy 
Jesus Christ 
Is the Lord 

[Chorus 3:]
Now unto the Lamb 
Who sits on the throne 
Be glory and honour and praise 
Call all the sinners to join in the song
Worship and praise Him 
The Lord of lords

Here's the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFkY5-Xp710

I guess I should get back to my lesson plans because as much of a pain as they are, I will do them for His glory because He has put me in this profession and with these particular children for such a time as this and I will do my best to bring Him glory. 

...Let not the things of this world ever sway me. Keep my eyes focused on You alone, Lord. 

Baby Elephants

Before I start this, I should admit that I am the biggest National Geographic/Animal Planet/any other nature show fan. Go ahead, call me a nerd or geek or whatever. I embrace it! =)  I love being able to see animals in different settings including their natural settings. We are surrounded by such natural beauty in this world. I mean we try to harness it by putting beautiful animals like a lion in an enclosure just to see it whenever we want. We're fascinated by it. There was a show on NatGeoWild (yes, it's a channel and you should totally check it out) last night that was doing a special on the Serengeti. It showed hundreds of amazing animals that all live in a relatively small area compared to the continent of Africa. Obviously, since going on a safari in Swaziland, I've been even more curious about African animals because I've seen some close up. Too close for comfort for some...just a side note, if you're ever caught in between rhinos and elephants who don't really like each other and your car stalls, I think you're totally allowed to have a little freak out. Not that I did or anything... ;) ANYWAY, I was watching the special about the Serengeti and I found myself taken with the diversity of animals and the circle of life (you should have seen that coming..) that occurs in Africa in particular. I was thinking of the differences of the animals' lives to that of humans when they showed a clip of a baby elephant taking it's first steps. I couldn't help but laughing at the baby elephants standing up and falling back over and even being pushed over by their older family members - my brothers totally pushed me over as a toddler, I know they did! After literally dying of laughter for about a half hour and looking up countless Youtube videos of baby elephants falling over as they try to walk, something occurred to me: elephants and humans are similar in some ways and different in some other ways (size being one...). The mother elephants helped their babies to take their first steps and used any method to help. My favorite was them using their trunk to lift up the baby while it got it's feet under it. It was so stinkin' adorable! Then you had the other members of the herd who would come over and so nicely knock the baby back over onto the ground. One thing I noticed was that the more the baby got knocked over, the quicker it got up the next time. It learned to adapt to hurdles and hardships just like we have to as well. We do it on a higher thinking level, not just when we're learning how to walk, but it's similar. We come across a hurdle we think we can't get over until we realize we're already over or it or we're crossing it. For me, Christ is the mother's trunk that helps to support me while I'm getting my feet back under me. He has been there through everything in my life and He's who I can count on to always help me through every situation. He's always encouraging and while there are still people and situations that push me over, with His help, I will always get back up. Only I could make a connection between baby elephants falling over and God...this is what Africa does to you, people!

If you want a good laugh search baby elephants learning to walk on Youtube. To get you started, here's a few:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAvnZ8fQawc

Start at 1:16 to miss the actual birth...TIA (this is Africa - a phrase commonly used on my trip to Swaziland because some situations, you just couldn't explain any other way!).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=oQ8R3EyIjQs

Beauty

I've now been back in the states for just under 8 months. Wow, that's shocking to say out loud. It feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a million years ago. As the new team is preparing for their new adventure, I've started to reflect more on my time in Bulembu and the mark that it left on my heart. Lately I've been contemplating the idea of beauty and what it really means. In America and other first world countries we see beauty as very skin deep. We judge how attractive other people are for fun and entertainment. We are failures if we are not tan enough, skinny enough, fashionable enough, etc. We focus on the exterior as a basis for true beauty. This just doesn't sit well with me. Something seems so very wrong.
When I was in Africa, my beauty radar was constantly going off. Everywhere I looked I saw beauty - in nature, in people's eyes and faces, in interactions. I felt as though I was full of enough beauty to last a lifetime. Let me give you an example. This is my Auntie (with Donna).

 In my eyes and heart, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and will ever meet in my entire life. She saw the "light of Christ" in Alicia and I and loved being able to share her story with others. She took an interest in me and loved me without any prerequisites. She called me beautiful everyday and talked passionately about how beautiful our Savior is to her. Every wrinkle in her face tells a story. Some tell of hardships and heartbreak, like her struggle with diabetes, and others tell of joys and triumphs, like the births of her children and her good health. Material things do not matter to her.
I've personally always been a fan of scars and wrinkles. For me, each of them tells a story. I still have scars from when I was learning to ride my bike with my brothers or from climbing trees when I was younger. They're tangible ways to remember experiences. I'm always shocked at our society's longing to get ride of wrinkles. For me, wrinkles mean you enjoyed life by being outside and that you laughed so much that lines formed. Why would you ever want to forget laughing? I will never forget how my Auntie's face looked when she smiled. Her entire face lit up - wrinkles and all. There was no stiffness from botox; it was pure, unadulterated joy seeping out from every pore of her being. It was, in a word, beautiful.
I could give another example of the beauty of nature in Swaziland, but if you've ever read my blog before or seen my facebook pictures, you've seen evidence of it for yourself. It is one of the most beautiful places in the world. One of my favorite memories was waking up for the sunrise on the morning we left Bulembu. We hiked up to a vantage point and sat in awe as the sun rose over the mountains. We listened to the sounds of babboons rustling in the trees as we sang worship songs and praised our Creator for his beautiful creation. I remember thanking God for the town that opened it's doors to us and the people who opened their arms and hearts. It was a beautiful moment both aesthetically and emotionally.
The final example I'll give is of one of our children. The funny part about writing this part is that I didn't even think twice about which child I would use to explain my thoughts on beauty. All of the children are beyond beautiful, but this little girl exudes my point the best.

This little girl...oh, if you only knew her. She barely spoke when we got there. She didn't really interact with any of us for quite some time. She was shy and her smiles were far and few between. That is, until she got to know us and trust us. She bonded most with Alicia and her smiles became so frequent that I can't think of a time when she wasn't smiling or happy in the last 2 weeks we were there. Her beauty was revealed through her smile, her goofiness, her words, and her actions. She loved to be loved. She loved to hold your hand and know that she had your attention. One of my personal favorite pictures from the our house is this one of her and Alicia:

I know that you can't see her face, but observe her body language. She is completely relaxed and in the middle of something funny. This for me, shows the epitome of someone who is so guarded letting someone in. She let us in and through doing that made herself at home in our hearts. She was beautiful.

In the book, Captivating, the authors state that beauty: speaks, invites, nourishes, comforts, inspires and is transcendent. The people of Bulembu and the country of Swaziland are all of these things. My Auntie spoke into my life. She comforted me when I was down and inspired me when I needed inspiration. The scenery was transcendent. It was more amazing than anything I had ever seen. This little girl invited Alicia and I into her life and her heart and that gave nourishment to my soul. Each child and person that I met there was beautiful, inside and out. They each taught me something new about myself, the world, and God and His love for His children. They also taught me something that will stick with me forever...life is beautiful.

Relationships

Relationships. This has been a topic that has been on my mind quite a bit over this last semester. As I begin to fade out of Gordon and a new stage in my life, I have been wondering who my lasting friends will be. Whose friend's weddings will I attend? Who will attend mine? Whose milestones will I take part in? Who will take part in mine? There are so many unanswerable questions about the future, but most of them are centered around relationships. When I say relationships, I don't simply mean the dating kind; I mean the different friendships in which I am a part of. Over this last semester I've been reading a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (if you have not read it, I suggest you do; for guys, read Wild at Heart). This book has given me many insights into the minds of women and men alike. In this recent chapter, it talked about relationships and gave new life to what I perceive of relationships. My favorite line of the entire chapter is this: "When God gives a friend, He is entrusting us with the care of another's heart." How true this is! Think of the close friends in your life. Do you trust them with your heart? If you're anything like me, that can be difficult much of the time and I do not fully trust many people with my heart at all. The authors go onto say that there are different types of friendships. Christ had different types of friendships or "friend circles" when He was on earth. He had the 12 disciples, an inner circle of 3 (James, John, and Peter), and then His followers(acquaintances). We do not need to share everything about our lives with everyone we meet, but we are called to share pieces of ourselves with others. We are called to serve one another and offer our hearts to one another. John and Stasi say this of friendships:

     "Friendships need to be nurtured and guarded and fought for. We need to call one another without waiting to be called first. We need to ask how our friends are doing and really listen to their answers. Listen between the lines. We love our friends by pursuing them - calls, little presents, cards, invitations to play, to go for a walk, to go to a movie. We offer our hearts...We need to pay attention to each other, really see one another. That truly is the greatest gift."

That is such a beautiful description of what I believe friendships are made of. There does not need to be a monetary value attributed to it, simply a heartly value. This looks different for all different types of friendships. Some people may be blessed by small gifts, others may simply want your time, and still others may benefit from encouragement given in times of distress or need as well as in times of happiness. My favorite part of this quote from the books is the idea of nurturing a friendship by pursuing the friend. The idea of pursuing is such a beautiful picture. I wrote in a blog a while back about how I saw God pursuing a man we worked with in Bulembu - Temba. That was such a beautiful and touching situation to watch that I was amazed by how much God really loves us and wants to have a relationship with us. He longs to listen to us and talk to us through His Word. It's not one-sided by any means. Just as a friendship is most beautiful when both people are contributing with their whole hearts; when both care enough about each other to actually listen to what is being said.
For some people this type of relationship can be difficult to acquire and sustain. Our own fears of failure and disappointment linger in our minds and create seeds of doubts in all relationships. God has created us to be in relationships with one another, but our own fallen nature tries to prevent that from happening. We are most fearful and doubtful of others when alone - and not alone as in single, but alone as in isolated. To be in relationship with others requires a sense of vulnerability that scares many - including me. It requires giving and sharing a part of yourself with someone else. But in spite of all of that, it is still better than being isolated. C. S. Lewis says this in the Four Loves:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers...of love is Hell."



"Yet, no matter how wonderful the taste of relational fullness you have, you will want more. If you have an amazing connection yesterday with someone, when you wake this morning, you will want it again. [Eve] possesses a bottomless well of longing. Jesus alone is the never-ending fount, which can slake her thirst. No other source, no other relationship will fully satisfy. God made us that way. On purpose."

While nurturing and pursuing relationships is a necessity, nurturing and pursuing your relationship with God is even more necessary. He is the friend who will always be there when you call. He will never leave you when you need Him and He is the one friend who will not disappoint you. He loves you with a never-ending love and He will never, ever, stop pursuing you. Trust in Him and in your relationship with Him. Relationships with others will follow after. <3

What is my calling?

At Gordon we talk a lot about vocation and calling in life. As I'm nearing the end of my college career, it's been on my mind even more. I love what I'm majoring in - Education. Kids are honestly my passion. Any bad day can be turned good with a little "love" note from them or feeling their hand enter yours as you walk down the hallway. I've been given the opportunity to teach and share love with these amazing kids and I couldn't be more happy about it! My question to myself lately has been: is it my calling to be a teacher? I know that it is good training and that I want to teach, but is it what I'm meant to do for the rest of my life? I know that it's an unanswerable question, but I wonder still.  Another question is am I supposed to be teaching in this country? I can't deny the fact that I left a good amount of myself with those children in Bulembu. I saw the deficits and I know that the training that Gordon has given me can help them. I just can't help them from a half a world away. Is using my training in another country, Africa or not, my vocation? Or am I really meant to stay in this country and help the many kids who need help here? Being in Lynn and seeing these amazing kids, it makes me want to love them unconditionally like I loved my kids in Bulembu. I'm working on that, but it looks so different here. Kids aren't allowed to launch themselves into your arms for a warm hug or sit on your back and play cars.



Look at the joy on my face. I faced some of my hardest times in Bulembu, but I also had more joy than I think I've ever felt there. It was because I was doing what God was calling me to do in His timing and how He wanted me to do it. I, for once, was not in control. I didn't have to choose what I did. It was laid out in our normal schedule. For those of you who know me, you know that I like to be in control of what happens in my life. I hope that I'm not a control freak, but I definitely can have those tendencies. I just want things to go smoothly and if I can do that, then I do it to the best of my abilities. This can create an interesting struggle with God over who really has control over my life. I like to think that I do (HA), but I know that I really am not in control of anything. It's taken me 21 years to come to terms with it, but I think I'm finally getting there. There are so many unanswered questions about my life right now such as: where will I work after graduation? when will I be in a relationship? how will I get through student teaching? is this where God has me right now? and what is my vocation? Sadly and gladly, none of these questions need answers right now. They will each be answered in His timing and not mine and I continue to learn that His timing is perfect while mine is so not. So all in all, I have no answers and yet I will not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about it self (Matthew 6:34).

Thank you, God, for giving me the confidence in knowing that You are leading my life.

My time in Africa

As I was reading through my prior blog posts, I realized that I have never really explained what we did while we were over in Swaziland. Well, it's time to fix that. =)

A normal day (Monday-Friday):
Our weekdays looked very similar to each other because we were on a pretty set routine. I would get up at 6:00am (or earlier) every morning to get ready before most of the house was up. At 6:20am, I would go to Gretchen and Lauren's and Alicia and Sarah's room to wake them up. I know that they just loved hearing my voice every morning! It was a 15 minute warning for devos which were at 6:35am. As the trip went on, I was greeting with grunts and moans and even a "NO!" once by the lovely Gretchen. Our group was not the cheeriest morning crew...at least until they had coffee! =) As I mentioned, devos were at 6:35am and a different person did them every morning. It was on something that was on their heart or that they felt led to share. These were some of my favorite moments on the trip, I have to say. I love hearing what God is doing in other people's lives, especially when you're being stretched and grown by Him.

After devos, everyone would finish getting ready for breakfast and for work that happened directly after the breakfast. Breakfast was at 7am in the lodge. We would take the 2 minute walk from Hyde Park 3 (our house) to the lodge and were greeted by the ever-smiling faces of Phumi and Mzwah (and sometimes Sivi). The lodge staff became some of our dearest friends while we were there. Mzwandile (his nickname was Mzwah because at first we couldn't say his full name) and Sivikelo (same story as Mzwah) were 21 and 20, so our closeness in age became a quick bond that grew over our month there. There's more I'll write about these two, because they deserve a post of their own!  Breakfast was absolutely wonderful. Hot breakfast, eggs any way you wanted them and "bacon" aka ham, was amazing. The cooks there were incredible at what they do and I don't know if I've ever had that good of food for that long (sorry, Mom! =)). If we didn't want eggs, there was a variety of cereals, oatmeals, pancakes, muffins, and fruits that you could eat as well. Now, I never used to eat breakfast. I just didn't have the appetite in the morning. But while I was there, I couldn't get enough food in the morning. And as the trip progressed, we started bringing extra muffins or pieces of fruit to work so that we could have a mid-morning snack!

After breakfast, we would usually have a few minutes to relax and wait until 8am, when we had to be at our work sites or were picked up to be driven to our work sites. Alicia, Ashleigh, Lauren, Gretchen, Donna, Chelsea, and I took about a 5 minute walk down the road to the house we were painting. I already wrote about our beloved Swazi overseer, Temba. He was such a sweet, sweet man. If you haven't read that post, you should! The group of us girls were there every day from 8-12 painting away. We finished all of the inside and most of the outside (picture below). We had a paint mix-up the second to last day so they had to finish the final touches after we left. The other group which was Sam, Joe, Sarah, Matt, and Derek (bless Sarah's heart for being the only girl!) were picked up and driven to the primary school to build a new play structure (picture below).

We did this all morning, every day of the week. It was fun, but there definitely were struggles that went along with it. In the end though, a house was almost ready to furnish and the children had a brand new, amazing playground to play on! I thanked God everyday for giving us hands to do the work that we did.

This brings us to about 12pm. At noon we would head back to the house to shower or change out of our work clothes. Lunch was shortly after and once we finished eating, we had a little bit of free time. Free time could be anything from hanging out in front of the lodge sunbathing (picture on the right, below) to laying out on the front lawn reading (picture on the left, below) or taking a nap. It was time to be with each other as well as time to be alone.




After taking some much needed relaxing time, we would head off to our particular houses for the rest of the afternoon. I don't know if I explained this earlier, but each of us had our own "orphan house". The house had 8 children and their Auntie. We were placed in houses randomly and some of us were paired in houses. Alicia and I had our wonderful house of amazing kids and an even more incredible Auntie. I already wrote one blog post about them (you should read it!). My family is pictured below. I miss them so much! They were each unique and showed me a different part of God's love and of love in general. Some were a little more reserved, but others, like my boy Timmy, would jump into my arms with much abandon. It was refreshing to see them love so completely and so unconditionally. They long for that

affection and attention. Singing with them is a memory I will never forget. The joy that shined out of their most beautiful smiles was one that I long to have. It was so pure and genuine. At the houses, we would play soccer with them, help with laundry, help with homework (I've never said my ABC's so many times!), or simply just sat and talked with them. I miss the ability to just sit and have a conversation with someone without a looming deadline or assignment. It was so incredibly refreshing! I can honestly say that my life has never been simpler than when I was in Bulembu. We got up when they told us to, did the work they had for us, and played with kids for hours. It was perfect! Definitely my idea of simplicity.
We would leave our houses about 5 and have a little downtime for dinner. Some of us would go back to the house or head to the lodge to have a cup of hot cocoa with Mzwa and Sivi, our dear friends who worked in the lodge. Some of the best conversations happened during these times. We would then have dinner which was amazing pretty much every night! The most obscure thing we ate was oxen tail. It was still on the spine...now don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but it was very different to have it attached to the spine. Every meal was amazing and so fresh!
After dinner, we would head back to the house and either journal, talk, or go to bed. We would go to bed so early! Some nights people would be up until 10, but most nights the majority of the house was asleep by 8:30 or so. I've never been on a better sleep schedule than when I was in Bulembu. I wish I could go to bed at 8:30 now!


This was an idea of a normal weekday in Bulembu. This became our routine for better or worse. I wanted to share this because many people have asked about what we did whiel we were there. I hope that this answers questions and piques interests. This Tuesday is our reporting chapel where we get to give a glimpse of what we experienced in a place we came to call home. I'm excited to share about an experience that changed my life and hope that many more get to go to this amazing little town at some point in their lives!

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105
 Continue to be my light, Lord. Shine Your light bright here and all across Your world.

Humbled.

This is a young man we met in Bulembu,Swaziland. His story is amazing and God is working in His life. Listen to his story then look at your own lives. If you're not humbled, then you're not looking inward hard enough.

God, protect Andrew tonight and every night. Guide his path and make Your way known to Him. I pray this not only for Andrew, but for all of your precious children in Bulembu. <3

Create in me a clean heart, O God

I was reading through the journal that I kept in Swaziland today and came across a devotion that I did in one of our morning meetings. It was about Psalm 51:10 which says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Something that I was really convicted of in Swazi was the fact that we tend to use God as an ATM card with no limit. We do this because we read Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." I've heard the phrase, "Don't worry. God promises to give you the desires of your heart," so many times and I know that God does give us the desires of our heart when we delight in Him. But what does it mean to delight in the Lord? I don't have the answer to that one. But what I do know is that we need to have a clean heart before God. David called out to God asking Him to give him a clean heart and a right, or steadfast, spirit. My breakthrough this summer was realizing that before God can give you the desires of your heart, your heart must be clean before Him. God knows our hearts. He knows them better than we know them ourselves, but He still calls us to seek after Him with our whole hearts. ("But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." - Deuteronomy 4:29) ALL of our heart and ALL of our soul means that we've put Him above all else including our desires. We give it all to follow Him and like the perfect Father He is, He rewards us.

God, create in me a clean heart and a right spirit. Help me to follow You with my whole heart. I put my trust and my desires in You and You alone. <3

9/11

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the horrible disaster we call 9/11. I know that every time I see those numbers together, my heart jumps a little with sadness. It seems like so long ago and yet it was only 10 years ago. I was 11. I didn't understand. MSNBC re-aired the newscast from the day in 2001 and as I watched it, I was 11 again. The same feelings were there, but there was greater understanding. When I was 11, I watched the picture of the towers burning. Today, I listened to what the newscasters said. It was a strange mix of sadness and anger because I now know how many people lost their lives that day and it was an incredible tragedy. One of the greatest of our time. I mourn for the families who lost their dear ones and pray that God keeps them in His arms for the rest of their days as He's done the last 10 years. One thing that kept ringing in my mind was that God has not abandoned us. In the midst of this great tragedy, He was still present. He promised to never leave us and He never will.

As you've probably noticed, everything ties back to Swazi for me. It is the same with this situation. I remember being in Swazi without internet or a computer or a phone or tv. It was incredibly freeing and amazing, but we had no idea what was going on back in the states. There was a bad storm and tornado in MA when I was gone and I had no idea that it had happened. I had a nightmare one night that my mom had been killed. Because I couldn't deny that it wasn't true, a part of me believed it for a few days and I struggled in a major way. I was afraid to fully believe it, but once a seed is planted it is hard to uproot. Surprise, surprise, for those few days I couldn't journal or fully engage in my time with God. I realized that I was letting a dream affect me and I decided to not let it anymore. I sought after God with a new intensity and I felt the most overwhelming peace. My mom was fine, God told me. I'd been telling myself the same thing for days, but it wasn't working. The minute God's peace spread over me, I didn't worry anymore because I knew that He was there. Watching over me in Swaziland, and watching over my family in the states. It was a test of learning to not trust only myself but to trust God above all else. It's a process and I'm learning. Thankfully, God is patient because He loves me oh so much. =)