1 year.

A year. It's been one whole year since I got back from Swazi. I remember exactly what my emotions and thoughts were and they weren't exactly happy about being back in the States. I can't help but have my emotions be the same now. Swazi has been on my mind all day (more than usual) and it's because of a dream.
As of today, I've had three very realistic dreams of my family. I see them as God giving me a glimpse of my family. This morning's dream was no different. I was back in the front yard of House #6 watching as children ran and played. I listened as they giggled and shouted and I reveled in the sound. I smelled the smells of dirt and clay mixed with little kid sweat - that may not sound appealing, but it's one of the best smells in the world. In other words, I was home. I looked around and out of the group of children, I saw the ones who specifically have my heart - my family. They were more grown up, but their eyes showed such innocence and trust. It's a look that I miss dearly. As every dream does, the dream ended and I awoke feeling nostalgic and sad that I can not see them in person.
But this post is not all sad. I also rejoice in the fact that the team from Gordon has loved on my family over the last month. I rejoice in the fact that another friend from Gordon is embarking on a seven week trip to Bulembu. I rejoice in the fact that God is still God no matter what I may be feeling at the present moment. I, not for one moment, regret going to Bulembu. Nor do I regret coming home. I learned so much about myself and about the world and have used what I learned to make me a better person. I have no regrets - except for not eating a cricket...oh well, next time!
In an email to a dear friend I wrote this:


"The third place I see God's plan working and my life molding to His providence is with the whole Swazi experience. I didn't want to lead a missions trip I simply wanted to be a participant -- look where that got me. I got to experience Christ's love in a real and relevant way. I got to see His eyes gazing on me with love in every child I set eyes on. I felt His loving embrace anytime a child launched himself/herself onto me without regret or hesitation. I heard His voice through my Auntie speaking into my life. I saw Him and felt Him in new and exciting ways as well as in ways that were second nature to me. Through taking time to seek Him, I found that my relationship with Christ is just that - a relationship. And I've been severely neglectful on my end. Even through all of that, He has been faithful to provide for me in every possible way. I strongly believe that my second graders this year were given to me specifically because of my experience in Africa. These kids needed the same things that my kids in Bulembu did. They needed that love that gave them boundaries but also knew no boundaries. I loved them through setting routines and rules and enforcing them when needed. But I also loved them by taking the time to invest in their lives and show them loves in the different ways they needed to see it and experience it. Swazi changed the way I view people. It changed the way I love. I love much more freely than I ever have. I've been given the capacity to love so that I could share it with others. That doesn't meant that I'm going around and telling everyone I love them. Instead, I'm putting the words into actions in the ways that different people need it. It's not the 'one size fits all' kind of love. It's deep and passionate and meaningful. It's Christ's love for us. The one that should give us chills everytime we think about it. He showed me what it is like to say 'I love you' and have it mean more than just a saying to someone. He showed me that it should send shivers down your spine and make your mouth dry. That it should come from the core of your being and it should resonate in the deepest depths of your heart. 
And as much as I miss the people who have been pillars of strength in my life now that Gordon is done, I see that God is giving me His strength which can sustain me through anything I may come across. I am His daughter; His princess. And He loves me more than I could ever imagine or express. I am forever claimed and pursued by a Lover whose love will never fade away. I could ask for nothing more. Because of my Savior's abundance of love, I know that He will give me a love on earth that is a glimpse of what is to come. I wait patiently for His timing and in this time of waiting, I will seek Him for answers."


So many people have asked me the best part of Swazi or what I learned when I was in Africa. The simple, yet wildly complex answer is that I learned how to love and be loved in return. It's easy for me to give myself to others and invest in their lives, but it is extremely hard for me to make myself vulnerable enough to accept love from other people. God's working on me though and is opening my eyes to wonders I've never seen before in His love.
So, yes, it is one year and I've been a little sad today. But I rejoice in His love and neverending grace and patience with me. He knows the desires of my heart and I can't wait to see His plan unfold in my life over the next year.
I will never forget Bulembu or the effect it had on me. In fact, I will carry it with me as a reminder of growth, faith, and love.


Oh, praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.