Perfection, Bulembu, and Identity

I've needed to write for so long and I'm finally making myself do it. I apologize if it's a little scatterbrained. I've had so much running through my mind. I will try to be organized, though! =)

1) I've always had this issue within my own mind that I have to be, or appear to be, perfect. And not perfect in like the 'perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect makeup' type of perfection (if you know me, you know I tend to go for the relaxed look haha), but in the 'I have my life together and nothing phases me' type of perfection. It's true that I handle stressful situations better than most and because of that it appears as though I'm in complete control of what's going on. If only you could read my mind. My mind is usually going a hundred miles an hour trying to problem solve. I learned long ago that it doesn't help anything to stand around and hope that situations are going to get better - you have to go after it in prayer and in action. If you don't like your life circumstances, then change them. I know that this is easier said than done at times depending on the life circumstance, but for the most part it works. I am definitely a problem solver by nature and I like it that way. It keeps me busy and it keeps my life somewhat simple. But I've realized that it also gives people an interesting view of me. I've been in a lot of leadership positions and I know from those positions that people are going to feel more secure following you if you're on top of things. Nothing frustrates me more than a leader who is chronically ignorant or disorganized. I say chronically because we are all human and all have these moments. I just want to set the record straight - I'm no where near perfect. I'm incredibly self-critical so to hear people say that I come off that way makes me laugh. But I've realized how true it is. It's something God and I are working on together. Because I don't think that being confident in what you do is bad, in fact, I think it's a great thing! But sometimes it can border on being overconfident which is not a good thing.

2) I know that I talk about Bulembu all of the time, but it has been the most influential experience of my life and I ache to be back there. Life was simple. The people were amazing. God's grace, mercy, power, and love were so incredibly evident with every smile and sunrise. Here in the USA, everything feels muted or like there is a sheet over how amazing God is. I know that I am partly to blame for this because I haven't been taking my quiet time like I did there. I haven't been seeking Him before making decisions. I've actually been staying far away from Him lately because I have felt so inadequate. Not being able to go back to Bulembu has been the hardest thing this past year. It's honestly broken my heart to not be able to see the people and place that I love so incredibly much. But it is life and I am blessed to know the people who went back this year and to get updates on my family. Here's a pic of two of my sweet boys from this year. They look so grown up!

I honestly was/still am so excited to catch up with the new team and really hear about their experiences, but I didn't realize how much it would make my heart ache. I've literally looked at every single picture I could get my hands on about 100 times. It makes my heart swell seeing them do so well, but it makes me sad that I may not see them for a few years...or 10. I've already started saving up to go back because I would honestly take a trip back there than to anywhere else in the world.
One of my honest fears was that they would forget me. This wasn't a pride thing like "I'm so awesome, how could they forget me?!?" It was more of the fact that they changed my life. Some of the kids, like the ones in this photo were young when we came last year. I know enough about development to know that it wasn't 100% that they would remember me. I found out that was not the case and I couldn't help but be overcome with joy. I love them. They are a part of me and I will never forget the impact they had on me. Even if I don't see these two for another 10 years.

3) Identity. I can honestly say that I found myself at Gordon. Cliche, I know, but true. I found who I was and who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go in life. I am secure in myself to not be swayed by the opinions of others. What other people say matters to me because I respect their opinions and ideas, but it cannot change the core of who I am. A dear friend and sister from my house in Bulembu wrote this in a letter to me:
"Remember to be yourself no matter how hard things are. Never try to be someone else you are not. Just be yourself, be who you are and never try and live a life of pleasing people because one day you will be disappointed. You are special to God and to me. Put God first in whatever you do in life and you will see wonderful things happening in your life."
This from the mouth of an 18 year old girl who is wise beyond her years. She is the same girl who I used to sing worship songs with every chance I could get. I miss her terribly, but her letter was perfect and I'm so thankful for her. It's amazing that even from 8,000 miles away, people can still speak into your life.
So, per her advice, I'm putting God first in everything I do and I'll wait for His wonderful things to happen.

There's so much more that I could write. So much more floating around in my head. So many more securities and insecurities in myself. What I do know is that everything lasts for a season and that I should not rush into the next season. I should wait and see what God has in store for me now - even though life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. He knows me - better than anyone - and I trust His judgment more than anything.



This is what I know: I'm not perfect. My identity is in Christ. My heart is in Bulembu. 


And right now, that's good enough for me.

1 year.

A year. It's been one whole year since I got back from Swazi. I remember exactly what my emotions and thoughts were and they weren't exactly happy about being back in the States. I can't help but have my emotions be the same now. Swazi has been on my mind all day (more than usual) and it's because of a dream.
As of today, I've had three very realistic dreams of my family. I see them as God giving me a glimpse of my family. This morning's dream was no different. I was back in the front yard of House #6 watching as children ran and played. I listened as they giggled and shouted and I reveled in the sound. I smelled the smells of dirt and clay mixed with little kid sweat - that may not sound appealing, but it's one of the best smells in the world. In other words, I was home. I looked around and out of the group of children, I saw the ones who specifically have my heart - my family. They were more grown up, but their eyes showed such innocence and trust. It's a look that I miss dearly. As every dream does, the dream ended and I awoke feeling nostalgic and sad that I can not see them in person.
But this post is not all sad. I also rejoice in the fact that the team from Gordon has loved on my family over the last month. I rejoice in the fact that another friend from Gordon is embarking on a seven week trip to Bulembu. I rejoice in the fact that God is still God no matter what I may be feeling at the present moment. I, not for one moment, regret going to Bulembu. Nor do I regret coming home. I learned so much about myself and about the world and have used what I learned to make me a better person. I have no regrets - except for not eating a cricket...oh well, next time!
In an email to a dear friend I wrote this:


"The third place I see God's plan working and my life molding to His providence is with the whole Swazi experience. I didn't want to lead a missions trip I simply wanted to be a participant -- look where that got me. I got to experience Christ's love in a real and relevant way. I got to see His eyes gazing on me with love in every child I set eyes on. I felt His loving embrace anytime a child launched himself/herself onto me without regret or hesitation. I heard His voice through my Auntie speaking into my life. I saw Him and felt Him in new and exciting ways as well as in ways that were second nature to me. Through taking time to seek Him, I found that my relationship with Christ is just that - a relationship. And I've been severely neglectful on my end. Even through all of that, He has been faithful to provide for me in every possible way. I strongly believe that my second graders this year were given to me specifically because of my experience in Africa. These kids needed the same things that my kids in Bulembu did. They needed that love that gave them boundaries but also knew no boundaries. I loved them through setting routines and rules and enforcing them when needed. But I also loved them by taking the time to invest in their lives and show them loves in the different ways they needed to see it and experience it. Swazi changed the way I view people. It changed the way I love. I love much more freely than I ever have. I've been given the capacity to love so that I could share it with others. That doesn't meant that I'm going around and telling everyone I love them. Instead, I'm putting the words into actions in the ways that different people need it. It's not the 'one size fits all' kind of love. It's deep and passionate and meaningful. It's Christ's love for us. The one that should give us chills everytime we think about it. He showed me what it is like to say 'I love you' and have it mean more than just a saying to someone. He showed me that it should send shivers down your spine and make your mouth dry. That it should come from the core of your being and it should resonate in the deepest depths of your heart. 
And as much as I miss the people who have been pillars of strength in my life now that Gordon is done, I see that God is giving me His strength which can sustain me through anything I may come across. I am His daughter; His princess. And He loves me more than I could ever imagine or express. I am forever claimed and pursued by a Lover whose love will never fade away. I could ask for nothing more. Because of my Savior's abundance of love, I know that He will give me a love on earth that is a glimpse of what is to come. I wait patiently for His timing and in this time of waiting, I will seek Him for answers."


So many people have asked me the best part of Swazi or what I learned when I was in Africa. The simple, yet wildly complex answer is that I learned how to love and be loved in return. It's easy for me to give myself to others and invest in their lives, but it is extremely hard for me to make myself vulnerable enough to accept love from other people. God's working on me though and is opening my eyes to wonders I've never seen before in His love.
So, yes, it is one year and I've been a little sad today. But I rejoice in His love and neverending grace and patience with me. He knows the desires of my heart and I can't wait to see His plan unfold in my life over the next year.
I will never forget Bulembu or the effect it had on me. In fact, I will carry it with me as a reminder of growth, faith, and love.


Oh, praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead. 

Ramblings of a Graduate

I'm sitting in my apartment at Gordon listening to the hustle and bustle of people packing up and moving out. The voices I hear are marked with excitement and sadness, energy and exhaustion. It has been a pretty crazy few days for those of us who have graduated. But I can now say that I am: GRADUATED.It's a strange phenomenon to be able to say that. I feel as though I just came to terms with being graduated from high school and now I have my Bachelors of Science in Early Childhood Education and Psychology with a concentration in ESL. Quite the mouthful, right?
The ceremony was really nice with a wonderful address from our president emeritus, Jud Carlberg. He was the perfect person to give the commencement address as he holds a very special place in many of our hearts.
I got to see my amazing mentor and she is the only person who has made me cry so far.
My family was here to see me and that meant the world to me. Especially my brothers being like mini paparazzi after I received my diploma! =)
Since I came back to campus last night, I've been trying to figure out my mood. I feel incredibly blessed for everything that I have experienced and all the people that I have gotten to know. It's resonating with me from deep in my soul and I am at peace with what the last 4 years have held and what the next 4 years will hold. I'm blessed to be living, breathing, and loving for another day. So many times I forget how blessed I am to have life and to have it to the fullest (John 10:10). The only thing is I feel a hint of sadness for this part of my life to be over. I love my friends and living in such a close community with them. They're never more than a 4 minute walk away and that's amazing. I, on the other hand, am not going to miss living on campus in an apartment with 5 other girls. I love you, ladies, but I need my own space now! ;)
I'm ready to be done with being a student and I'm ready to go out and pursue a career that I'll love. What I'm not ready for is everyone to be so far away. I didn't really say goodbye to anyone yesterday. I saw some people and gave them hugs, but I didn't really say goodbye. The person I said goodbye to most was one of my best friends, Jordan. He has been an incredibly large part of my life for the last 2 years and we have helped and watched each other grow in some great ways. I am so blessed to have him as a part of my life. It's simply hard to think about the fact that he won't be a minute walk away from me anymore. I won't be able to see him and talk to him whenever I want. I mean, last summer with Swazi, we didn't talk for a month, but that was different. And yes, I know that I don't know what the future holds and we may end up living near each other some day, but it's just a strange transition to know that neither of us will ever move back on to Gordon's campus. We will never live in a community like this. We're now about 1,000 miles from each other. And this goes for more than just Jordan. It goes for many of my dear friends who are heading back to the mid-west, the south, and the west coast. I'm going to miss having this community at my fingertips.
As I'm writing this, I feel as though my thoughts are so disjointed. I'm feeling a mix of emotions and that makes my thought process a little clouded. There's much uncertainty that lies ahead, but I'm sure of several things:

• I get to spend an amazing week with my incredible brothers. 
• I am a college graduate and I will get a job.
• I get to finish up the elementary school year with students who I adore and who love me just the same. 
• I have a fun and pretty relaxing summer ahead of me. 
• Goodbye is not the end. My friendships live on and I can't wait to see how they grow as we grow in our lives. 
• I am blessed. Blessed to have had this incredible opportunity. Blessed by God in ways that I'll be discovering for the rest of my life. And blessed by those around me who invest in my life. 
• God is good through it all - the good and certain and the bad and uncertain. I will look to Him who works all things for good for those who love Him who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Thank you, Gordon, friends, and family for an amazing life so far. I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me and for those around me. Only God knows! ;)

Thoughtful and Thankful

As I think back to a year ago, I can still feel the excitement I felt then. Finals were finishing up. Last minute planning for Swazi was commencing. I was helping out with Graduation and was watching some very dear friends walk across that stage and into the next part of their lives.
Now, one year later, that's me. I'm graduating college. I'M. GRADUATING. COLLEGE. Where in the world did the time go? In some ways I feel as though I just walked onto campus as a freshman with high hopes and dreams for my college years. In other ways, I feel as though Gordon has prepared me for the next step in my life. I'm ready to be done being in a college classroom and am excited to put to work what I've learned over the last few years.
I'm also excited to put what I didn't learn in the classroom to work as I transition out of a safe environment out into the 'real world.' I learned just as much, if not more, outside the classroom than inside one. I've grown in ways I could not have dreamt about in high school. I'm not the person I once was. I'm better. I'm stronger. I'm more in love with Christ than the day I walked onto this campus. Is that due to chapel services or student led prayer and worship? Partially. But it's mostly due to the incredible friendships that I made in and through this very unique place.
I've heard it said that the people you surround yourself with shape who you are and who you will become. It couldn't be more true. I've had the opportunity to pursue deep relationships with so many people on this campus and I'm so grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to see growth in others that still astounds me. One of the most miraculous things to watch is God working in people's lives.
I've learned more from the people around me than anything I could learn in a book. I've learned what it means to be an individual. Through the people I've surrounded myself with, I've found me. I know who I am now and I'm secure in it. Through pursuing Christ and the people He has placed so perfectly in my life, I've found the woman that He has created me to be. I'm able to be me more than I ever have before and it's an incredible burden off of my shoulders. Those who know me well, know that I don't have everything in my life together and that I'm a little bit crazy. Or as my students say - I've lost my marbles (yay for English idioms that second language learners haven't heard before! =)) I know who I am in Christ. I don't have to be anyone else. I don't have to be who someone else wants me to be. I am me and that is more than enough for Him.
I've also learned that no matter what, life is beautiful. Nothing taught me this more than Africa. I saw children with shoes that were broken apart and who didn't have families or whose families didn't want them, yet they felt overwhelming joy. So why do I sit idly by and complain about lesson plans when I am incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to study at a place that taught me so much more than how to teach a math lesson to a child? I've learned how to love children. I've always had a slight obsession with children (and National Geographic, but that's another story) and a love that I can't quite explain. House #6 in Bulembu solidified my love for children even more. I learned that loving children is so much more than playing hide-and-go-seek or soccer or helping them learn a new concept. It's investing in them and telling and showing them that you're proud of them and that you care. I honestly love the children in my classroom. Ask anyone who talks to me daily or weekly and I always have a hundred stories to share about them (especially about second grade boys who have little crushes ;)). An example of this is one of my boys who has a hard time behaviorally. Instead of just pushing him aside and ignoring his actions, I took them on headfirst. I set expectations and we talk about his behavior daily. This keeps both him and I accountable for his actions and last week I told him I was proud of him for his progress and effort. I thought he might burst out crying right on the spot. Instead, he comes over and gives me the sweetest hug that I've received since Bulembu. It was full of hope and thankfulness.
It is with a similar hope and thankfulness that I am leaving Gordon with. Gordon took me in when I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. Since giving me a place to learn and grow, I've become the person I could never have imagined. Thank you, Gordon, for the incredible four years you've given me and for preparing me for what lies ahead. You'll never be far from my heart, mind, and prayers.
Thank you to my friends who have made these four years memorable with countless midnight trips to the beach, insane dance parties, movies nights, birthday parties, and so much more. I wouldn't be in this place without you and you will all be a piece of me forever.
To my friends who still have some time left at Gordon...here's some advice: treasure every day you have. Gordon has faults, but don't dwell on them. Look for where God is leading you and trust that He knows so much better than you. Trust His will above your own and He will make your path straight every time. Seek Him first and everything else will fall into place. Go on as many adventures as you can and invest in the relationships that are here. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers and I know that this is not the end for us.
And finally, thank you Bulembu, for being the single most incredible experience of my life thus far. You changed my life and made me who I am. For that, I am forever grateful.

To the Class of 2012 - WE DID IT! Whether your future is set out in front of you or not, trust in God and He will reveal it in due time. <3

James 2

Lately I've been in the book of James and it's showing me some amazing things. In James 1, it talks about persevering, among other things, which has been a huge thing for me this year. When I came across James 2 something clicked for me in some of the verses:


What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

 ¹⁸ But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

   Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. ¹⁹ You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

 ²⁰ You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless^[d]? ²¹ Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? ²²You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. ²³ And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,”^[e] and he was called God’s friend. ²⁴ You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

 ²⁵ In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? ²⁶ As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

These verses hit me hard. We talk about our faith all of the time, but are we putting it into action by doing deeds. The part that I liked the most is the part that is bolded: "I will show you my faith by my deeds." I want to live a life in which people will know that I am His. That won't happen by me constantly talking about my relationship with God and how amazing He is...that's only part of it. That's all talk. It will happen by my actions. I long to exude Christ through every pore of my being. It's a hard task, but one that I have a renewed fervor to do. 

There's an old phrase that I grew up with: "You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" I am done being all talk. I will walk the walk in any and every situation. Whether I'm back in Africa or here in Massachusetts. My life is His and I will thank Him for His love every second of every day in everything I do. 

<3

My eyes ever on Jesus' face.

"Keep my eyes ever on Jesus' face." 

I woke up this morning with these words in my mind and heart. Something about them just resonated with me. It may be the fact that I'm in awe of this simple phrase. What does it mean to keep my eyes ever on His face and His face alone. There are so many distractions in my life: car troubles, lesson plans, friends, family, graduation, the future, the past, my insecurities...the list goes on and on. Some of these distractions are blessings from God and His wonderful provisions, but some come from my own fallen nature and are not from God at all. How do I keep my eyes on Him when I'm stressed and can't see through 'til tomorrow? It feels like such a big idea, but when I really think about it, it is pretty simple. When I say 'simple', I don't mean easy. I just mean that through my own overthinking, the idea of simplicity gets muddled and tarnished. It really is as simple as focusing on God and allowing Him to rule my life and my relationships. It's days like this when I'm sitting in Panera writing lots of lesson plans that He reminds me of my time in Swazi and what I learned from it. My life was not easy when I was there, but it was simpler. I spent my days serving people and giving myself to those around me. What I didn't understand when I was there was that I actually got more than I gave. The wonderful relationships of my team and of the people there filled me to the brim with gratitude. The closeness I felt to Christ was something I long to replicate. It wasn't a "God high" that you usually hear about when talking about mission trips; it was something better. It was a lifestyle focused around God and not around my busy schedule. It was simplicity at it's best. He was the center of my life and my eyes were fixed on Him daily. Why can't I do that here? Why does my God time depend on my school work and my level of exhaustion? I dealt with situations in a completely new way and I saw clearly for the first time in my life (or so it seems). 

I used to ask myself the question, "What can it hurt?" in reference to various situations. Instead of asking that question, I began asking these ones: "How does this make me a better person and follower of Christ? Would this be something that God would plan for my life or is this my own plan and flesh getting in the way?" As I'm getting older, I'm realized how many insecurities exist in my life and relationships. I take heart in the fact that there are absolutely no insecurities in my relationship with Christ. Yes, I mess up daily, but I know that He is there to catch me as I stumble and to correct my path. It's not only learning from your mistakes that's important, it's not repeating them that is the most important part. 

The lyrics to the song 'Lord of Lords' by Hillsong have been running through my mind all day and I find them inspiring. They put my life in context and give me renewed passion and motivation to seek after Him because I'm where I am now to bring Him glory.

Beholding Your beauty 
Is all that I long for 
To worship You Jesus 
Is my sole desire 
For this very heart 
You have shaped for your pleasure 

Purposed to lift Your Name higher 

Here in surrender 
In pure adoration 
I enter Your courts 
With an offering of praise 
I am Your servant 
Come to bring You glory 
As is fit for the work of Your hands 

[Chorus 1:]
Now unto the Lamb 
Who sits on the throne 
Be glory and honor and praise 
All of creation resounds with the song 
Worship and praise Him 
The Lord of lords 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brooke_fraser/lord_of_lords.html ]
Spirit now living 
And dwelling within me 
Keep my eyes fixed 
Ever on Jesus' face 
Let not the things of this world 
Ever sway me 
I'll run 'til I finish the race 

[Chorus 2:]
Now unto the Lamb 
Who sits on the throne 
Be glory and honor and praise 
All of eternity echoes the song 
Worship and praise Him 
The Lord of lords 

Holy Lord 
You are holy 
Jesus Christ 
Is the Lord 

[Chorus 3:]
Now unto the Lamb 
Who sits on the throne 
Be glory and honour and praise 
Call all the sinners to join in the song
Worship and praise Him 
The Lord of lords

Here's the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFkY5-Xp710

I guess I should get back to my lesson plans because as much of a pain as they are, I will do them for His glory because He has put me in this profession and with these particular children for such a time as this and I will do my best to bring Him glory. 

...Let not the things of this world ever sway me. Keep my eyes focused on You alone, Lord. 

Baby Elephants

Before I start this, I should admit that I am the biggest National Geographic/Animal Planet/any other nature show fan. Go ahead, call me a nerd or geek or whatever. I embrace it! =)  I love being able to see animals in different settings including their natural settings. We are surrounded by such natural beauty in this world. I mean we try to harness it by putting beautiful animals like a lion in an enclosure just to see it whenever we want. We're fascinated by it. There was a show on NatGeoWild (yes, it's a channel and you should totally check it out) last night that was doing a special on the Serengeti. It showed hundreds of amazing animals that all live in a relatively small area compared to the continent of Africa. Obviously, since going on a safari in Swaziland, I've been even more curious about African animals because I've seen some close up. Too close for comfort for some...just a side note, if you're ever caught in between rhinos and elephants who don't really like each other and your car stalls, I think you're totally allowed to have a little freak out. Not that I did or anything... ;) ANYWAY, I was watching the special about the Serengeti and I found myself taken with the diversity of animals and the circle of life (you should have seen that coming..) that occurs in Africa in particular. I was thinking of the differences of the animals' lives to that of humans when they showed a clip of a baby elephant taking it's first steps. I couldn't help but laughing at the baby elephants standing up and falling back over and even being pushed over by their older family members - my brothers totally pushed me over as a toddler, I know they did! After literally dying of laughter for about a half hour and looking up countless Youtube videos of baby elephants falling over as they try to walk, something occurred to me: elephants and humans are similar in some ways and different in some other ways (size being one...). The mother elephants helped their babies to take their first steps and used any method to help. My favorite was them using their trunk to lift up the baby while it got it's feet under it. It was so stinkin' adorable! Then you had the other members of the herd who would come over and so nicely knock the baby back over onto the ground. One thing I noticed was that the more the baby got knocked over, the quicker it got up the next time. It learned to adapt to hurdles and hardships just like we have to as well. We do it on a higher thinking level, not just when we're learning how to walk, but it's similar. We come across a hurdle we think we can't get over until we realize we're already over or it or we're crossing it. For me, Christ is the mother's trunk that helps to support me while I'm getting my feet back under me. He has been there through everything in my life and He's who I can count on to always help me through every situation. He's always encouraging and while there are still people and situations that push me over, with His help, I will always get back up. Only I could make a connection between baby elephants falling over and God...this is what Africa does to you, people!

If you want a good laugh search baby elephants learning to walk on Youtube. To get you started, here's a few:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAvnZ8fQawc

Start at 1:16 to miss the actual birth...TIA (this is Africa - a phrase commonly used on my trip to Swaziland because some situations, you just couldn't explain any other way!).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=oQ8R3EyIjQs