Beauty

I've now been back in the states for just under 8 months. Wow, that's shocking to say out loud. It feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a million years ago. As the new team is preparing for their new adventure, I've started to reflect more on my time in Bulembu and the mark that it left on my heart. Lately I've been contemplating the idea of beauty and what it really means. In America and other first world countries we see beauty as very skin deep. We judge how attractive other people are for fun and entertainment. We are failures if we are not tan enough, skinny enough, fashionable enough, etc. We focus on the exterior as a basis for true beauty. This just doesn't sit well with me. Something seems so very wrong.
When I was in Africa, my beauty radar was constantly going off. Everywhere I looked I saw beauty - in nature, in people's eyes and faces, in interactions. I felt as though I was full of enough beauty to last a lifetime. Let me give you an example. This is my Auntie (with Donna).

 In my eyes and heart, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and will ever meet in my entire life. She saw the "light of Christ" in Alicia and I and loved being able to share her story with others. She took an interest in me and loved me without any prerequisites. She called me beautiful everyday and talked passionately about how beautiful our Savior is to her. Every wrinkle in her face tells a story. Some tell of hardships and heartbreak, like her struggle with diabetes, and others tell of joys and triumphs, like the births of her children and her good health. Material things do not matter to her.
I've personally always been a fan of scars and wrinkles. For me, each of them tells a story. I still have scars from when I was learning to ride my bike with my brothers or from climbing trees when I was younger. They're tangible ways to remember experiences. I'm always shocked at our society's longing to get ride of wrinkles. For me, wrinkles mean you enjoyed life by being outside and that you laughed so much that lines formed. Why would you ever want to forget laughing? I will never forget how my Auntie's face looked when she smiled. Her entire face lit up - wrinkles and all. There was no stiffness from botox; it was pure, unadulterated joy seeping out from every pore of her being. It was, in a word, beautiful.
I could give another example of the beauty of nature in Swaziland, but if you've ever read my blog before or seen my facebook pictures, you've seen evidence of it for yourself. It is one of the most beautiful places in the world. One of my favorite memories was waking up for the sunrise on the morning we left Bulembu. We hiked up to a vantage point and sat in awe as the sun rose over the mountains. We listened to the sounds of babboons rustling in the trees as we sang worship songs and praised our Creator for his beautiful creation. I remember thanking God for the town that opened it's doors to us and the people who opened their arms and hearts. It was a beautiful moment both aesthetically and emotionally.
The final example I'll give is of one of our children. The funny part about writing this part is that I didn't even think twice about which child I would use to explain my thoughts on beauty. All of the children are beyond beautiful, but this little girl exudes my point the best.

This little girl...oh, if you only knew her. She barely spoke when we got there. She didn't really interact with any of us for quite some time. She was shy and her smiles were far and few between. That is, until she got to know us and trust us. She bonded most with Alicia and her smiles became so frequent that I can't think of a time when she wasn't smiling or happy in the last 2 weeks we were there. Her beauty was revealed through her smile, her goofiness, her words, and her actions. She loved to be loved. She loved to hold your hand and know that she had your attention. One of my personal favorite pictures from the our house is this one of her and Alicia:

I know that you can't see her face, but observe her body language. She is completely relaxed and in the middle of something funny. This for me, shows the epitome of someone who is so guarded letting someone in. She let us in and through doing that made herself at home in our hearts. She was beautiful.

In the book, Captivating, the authors state that beauty: speaks, invites, nourishes, comforts, inspires and is transcendent. The people of Bulembu and the country of Swaziland are all of these things. My Auntie spoke into my life. She comforted me when I was down and inspired me when I needed inspiration. The scenery was transcendent. It was more amazing than anything I had ever seen. This little girl invited Alicia and I into her life and her heart and that gave nourishment to my soul. Each child and person that I met there was beautiful, inside and out. They each taught me something new about myself, the world, and God and His love for His children. They also taught me something that will stick with me forever...life is beautiful.

Relationships

Relationships. This has been a topic that has been on my mind quite a bit over this last semester. As I begin to fade out of Gordon and a new stage in my life, I have been wondering who my lasting friends will be. Whose friend's weddings will I attend? Who will attend mine? Whose milestones will I take part in? Who will take part in mine? There are so many unanswerable questions about the future, but most of them are centered around relationships. When I say relationships, I don't simply mean the dating kind; I mean the different friendships in which I am a part of. Over this last semester I've been reading a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (if you have not read it, I suggest you do; for guys, read Wild at Heart). This book has given me many insights into the minds of women and men alike. In this recent chapter, it talked about relationships and gave new life to what I perceive of relationships. My favorite line of the entire chapter is this: "When God gives a friend, He is entrusting us with the care of another's heart." How true this is! Think of the close friends in your life. Do you trust them with your heart? If you're anything like me, that can be difficult much of the time and I do not fully trust many people with my heart at all. The authors go onto say that there are different types of friendships. Christ had different types of friendships or "friend circles" when He was on earth. He had the 12 disciples, an inner circle of 3 (James, John, and Peter), and then His followers(acquaintances). We do not need to share everything about our lives with everyone we meet, but we are called to share pieces of ourselves with others. We are called to serve one another and offer our hearts to one another. John and Stasi say this of friendships:

     "Friendships need to be nurtured and guarded and fought for. We need to call one another without waiting to be called first. We need to ask how our friends are doing and really listen to their answers. Listen between the lines. We love our friends by pursuing them - calls, little presents, cards, invitations to play, to go for a walk, to go to a movie. We offer our hearts...We need to pay attention to each other, really see one another. That truly is the greatest gift."

That is such a beautiful description of what I believe friendships are made of. There does not need to be a monetary value attributed to it, simply a heartly value. This looks different for all different types of friendships. Some people may be blessed by small gifts, others may simply want your time, and still others may benefit from encouragement given in times of distress or need as well as in times of happiness. My favorite part of this quote from the books is the idea of nurturing a friendship by pursuing the friend. The idea of pursuing is such a beautiful picture. I wrote in a blog a while back about how I saw God pursuing a man we worked with in Bulembu - Temba. That was such a beautiful and touching situation to watch that I was amazed by how much God really loves us and wants to have a relationship with us. He longs to listen to us and talk to us through His Word. It's not one-sided by any means. Just as a friendship is most beautiful when both people are contributing with their whole hearts; when both care enough about each other to actually listen to what is being said.
For some people this type of relationship can be difficult to acquire and sustain. Our own fears of failure and disappointment linger in our minds and create seeds of doubts in all relationships. God has created us to be in relationships with one another, but our own fallen nature tries to prevent that from happening. We are most fearful and doubtful of others when alone - and not alone as in single, but alone as in isolated. To be in relationship with others requires a sense of vulnerability that scares many - including me. It requires giving and sharing a part of yourself with someone else. But in spite of all of that, it is still better than being isolated. C. S. Lewis says this in the Four Loves:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers...of love is Hell."



"Yet, no matter how wonderful the taste of relational fullness you have, you will want more. If you have an amazing connection yesterday with someone, when you wake this morning, you will want it again. [Eve] possesses a bottomless well of longing. Jesus alone is the never-ending fount, which can slake her thirst. No other source, no other relationship will fully satisfy. God made us that way. On purpose."

While nurturing and pursuing relationships is a necessity, nurturing and pursuing your relationship with God is even more necessary. He is the friend who will always be there when you call. He will never leave you when you need Him and He is the one friend who will not disappoint you. He loves you with a never-ending love and He will never, ever, stop pursuing you. Trust in Him and in your relationship with Him. Relationships with others will follow after. <3

What is my calling?

At Gordon we talk a lot about vocation and calling in life. As I'm nearing the end of my college career, it's been on my mind even more. I love what I'm majoring in - Education. Kids are honestly my passion. Any bad day can be turned good with a little "love" note from them or feeling their hand enter yours as you walk down the hallway. I've been given the opportunity to teach and share love with these amazing kids and I couldn't be more happy about it! My question to myself lately has been: is it my calling to be a teacher? I know that it is good training and that I want to teach, but is it what I'm meant to do for the rest of my life? I know that it's an unanswerable question, but I wonder still.  Another question is am I supposed to be teaching in this country? I can't deny the fact that I left a good amount of myself with those children in Bulembu. I saw the deficits and I know that the training that Gordon has given me can help them. I just can't help them from a half a world away. Is using my training in another country, Africa or not, my vocation? Or am I really meant to stay in this country and help the many kids who need help here? Being in Lynn and seeing these amazing kids, it makes me want to love them unconditionally like I loved my kids in Bulembu. I'm working on that, but it looks so different here. Kids aren't allowed to launch themselves into your arms for a warm hug or sit on your back and play cars.



Look at the joy on my face. I faced some of my hardest times in Bulembu, but I also had more joy than I think I've ever felt there. It was because I was doing what God was calling me to do in His timing and how He wanted me to do it. I, for once, was not in control. I didn't have to choose what I did. It was laid out in our normal schedule. For those of you who know me, you know that I like to be in control of what happens in my life. I hope that I'm not a control freak, but I definitely can have those tendencies. I just want things to go smoothly and if I can do that, then I do it to the best of my abilities. This can create an interesting struggle with God over who really has control over my life. I like to think that I do (HA), but I know that I really am not in control of anything. It's taken me 21 years to come to terms with it, but I think I'm finally getting there. There are so many unanswered questions about my life right now such as: where will I work after graduation? when will I be in a relationship? how will I get through student teaching? is this where God has me right now? and what is my vocation? Sadly and gladly, none of these questions need answers right now. They will each be answered in His timing and not mine and I continue to learn that His timing is perfect while mine is so not. So all in all, I have no answers and yet I will not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about it self (Matthew 6:34).

Thank you, God, for giving me the confidence in knowing that You are leading my life.

My time in Africa

As I was reading through my prior blog posts, I realized that I have never really explained what we did while we were over in Swaziland. Well, it's time to fix that. =)

A normal day (Monday-Friday):
Our weekdays looked very similar to each other because we were on a pretty set routine. I would get up at 6:00am (or earlier) every morning to get ready before most of the house was up. At 6:20am, I would go to Gretchen and Lauren's and Alicia and Sarah's room to wake them up. I know that they just loved hearing my voice every morning! It was a 15 minute warning for devos which were at 6:35am. As the trip went on, I was greeting with grunts and moans and even a "NO!" once by the lovely Gretchen. Our group was not the cheeriest morning crew...at least until they had coffee! =) As I mentioned, devos were at 6:35am and a different person did them every morning. It was on something that was on their heart or that they felt led to share. These were some of my favorite moments on the trip, I have to say. I love hearing what God is doing in other people's lives, especially when you're being stretched and grown by Him.

After devos, everyone would finish getting ready for breakfast and for work that happened directly after the breakfast. Breakfast was at 7am in the lodge. We would take the 2 minute walk from Hyde Park 3 (our house) to the lodge and were greeted by the ever-smiling faces of Phumi and Mzwah (and sometimes Sivi). The lodge staff became some of our dearest friends while we were there. Mzwandile (his nickname was Mzwah because at first we couldn't say his full name) and Sivikelo (same story as Mzwah) were 21 and 20, so our closeness in age became a quick bond that grew over our month there. There's more I'll write about these two, because they deserve a post of their own!  Breakfast was absolutely wonderful. Hot breakfast, eggs any way you wanted them and "bacon" aka ham, was amazing. The cooks there were incredible at what they do and I don't know if I've ever had that good of food for that long (sorry, Mom! =)). If we didn't want eggs, there was a variety of cereals, oatmeals, pancakes, muffins, and fruits that you could eat as well. Now, I never used to eat breakfast. I just didn't have the appetite in the morning. But while I was there, I couldn't get enough food in the morning. And as the trip progressed, we started bringing extra muffins or pieces of fruit to work so that we could have a mid-morning snack!

After breakfast, we would usually have a few minutes to relax and wait until 8am, when we had to be at our work sites or were picked up to be driven to our work sites. Alicia, Ashleigh, Lauren, Gretchen, Donna, Chelsea, and I took about a 5 minute walk down the road to the house we were painting. I already wrote about our beloved Swazi overseer, Temba. He was such a sweet, sweet man. If you haven't read that post, you should! The group of us girls were there every day from 8-12 painting away. We finished all of the inside and most of the outside (picture below). We had a paint mix-up the second to last day so they had to finish the final touches after we left. The other group which was Sam, Joe, Sarah, Matt, and Derek (bless Sarah's heart for being the only girl!) were picked up and driven to the primary school to build a new play structure (picture below).

We did this all morning, every day of the week. It was fun, but there definitely were struggles that went along with it. In the end though, a house was almost ready to furnish and the children had a brand new, amazing playground to play on! I thanked God everyday for giving us hands to do the work that we did.

This brings us to about 12pm. At noon we would head back to the house to shower or change out of our work clothes. Lunch was shortly after and once we finished eating, we had a little bit of free time. Free time could be anything from hanging out in front of the lodge sunbathing (picture on the right, below) to laying out on the front lawn reading (picture on the left, below) or taking a nap. It was time to be with each other as well as time to be alone.




After taking some much needed relaxing time, we would head off to our particular houses for the rest of the afternoon. I don't know if I explained this earlier, but each of us had our own "orphan house". The house had 8 children and their Auntie. We were placed in houses randomly and some of us were paired in houses. Alicia and I had our wonderful house of amazing kids and an even more incredible Auntie. I already wrote one blog post about them (you should read it!). My family is pictured below. I miss them so much! They were each unique and showed me a different part of God's love and of love in general. Some were a little more reserved, but others, like my boy Timmy, would jump into my arms with much abandon. It was refreshing to see them love so completely and so unconditionally. They long for that

affection and attention. Singing with them is a memory I will never forget. The joy that shined out of their most beautiful smiles was one that I long to have. It was so pure and genuine. At the houses, we would play soccer with them, help with laundry, help with homework (I've never said my ABC's so many times!), or simply just sat and talked with them. I miss the ability to just sit and have a conversation with someone without a looming deadline or assignment. It was so incredibly refreshing! I can honestly say that my life has never been simpler than when I was in Bulembu. We got up when they told us to, did the work they had for us, and played with kids for hours. It was perfect! Definitely my idea of simplicity.
We would leave our houses about 5 and have a little downtime for dinner. Some of us would go back to the house or head to the lodge to have a cup of hot cocoa with Mzwa and Sivi, our dear friends who worked in the lodge. Some of the best conversations happened during these times. We would then have dinner which was amazing pretty much every night! The most obscure thing we ate was oxen tail. It was still on the spine...now don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but it was very different to have it attached to the spine. Every meal was amazing and so fresh!
After dinner, we would head back to the house and either journal, talk, or go to bed. We would go to bed so early! Some nights people would be up until 10, but most nights the majority of the house was asleep by 8:30 or so. I've never been on a better sleep schedule than when I was in Bulembu. I wish I could go to bed at 8:30 now!


This was an idea of a normal weekday in Bulembu. This became our routine for better or worse. I wanted to share this because many people have asked about what we did whiel we were there. I hope that this answers questions and piques interests. This Tuesday is our reporting chapel where we get to give a glimpse of what we experienced in a place we came to call home. I'm excited to share about an experience that changed my life and hope that many more get to go to this amazing little town at some point in their lives!

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105
 Continue to be my light, Lord. Shine Your light bright here and all across Your world.

Humbled.

This is a young man we met in Bulembu,Swaziland. His story is amazing and God is working in His life. Listen to his story then look at your own lives. If you're not humbled, then you're not looking inward hard enough.

God, protect Andrew tonight and every night. Guide his path and make Your way known to Him. I pray this not only for Andrew, but for all of your precious children in Bulembu. <3

Create in me a clean heart, O God

I was reading through the journal that I kept in Swaziland today and came across a devotion that I did in one of our morning meetings. It was about Psalm 51:10 which says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Something that I was really convicted of in Swazi was the fact that we tend to use God as an ATM card with no limit. We do this because we read Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." I've heard the phrase, "Don't worry. God promises to give you the desires of your heart," so many times and I know that God does give us the desires of our heart when we delight in Him. But what does it mean to delight in the Lord? I don't have the answer to that one. But what I do know is that we need to have a clean heart before God. David called out to God asking Him to give him a clean heart and a right, or steadfast, spirit. My breakthrough this summer was realizing that before God can give you the desires of your heart, your heart must be clean before Him. God knows our hearts. He knows them better than we know them ourselves, but He still calls us to seek after Him with our whole hearts. ("But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." - Deuteronomy 4:29) ALL of our heart and ALL of our soul means that we've put Him above all else including our desires. We give it all to follow Him and like the perfect Father He is, He rewards us.

God, create in me a clean heart and a right spirit. Help me to follow You with my whole heart. I put my trust and my desires in You and You alone. <3

9/11

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the horrible disaster we call 9/11. I know that every time I see those numbers together, my heart jumps a little with sadness. It seems like so long ago and yet it was only 10 years ago. I was 11. I didn't understand. MSNBC re-aired the newscast from the day in 2001 and as I watched it, I was 11 again. The same feelings were there, but there was greater understanding. When I was 11, I watched the picture of the towers burning. Today, I listened to what the newscasters said. It was a strange mix of sadness and anger because I now know how many people lost their lives that day and it was an incredible tragedy. One of the greatest of our time. I mourn for the families who lost their dear ones and pray that God keeps them in His arms for the rest of their days as He's done the last 10 years. One thing that kept ringing in my mind was that God has not abandoned us. In the midst of this great tragedy, He was still present. He promised to never leave us and He never will.

As you've probably noticed, everything ties back to Swazi for me. It is the same with this situation. I remember being in Swazi without internet or a computer or a phone or tv. It was incredibly freeing and amazing, but we had no idea what was going on back in the states. There was a bad storm and tornado in MA when I was gone and I had no idea that it had happened. I had a nightmare one night that my mom had been killed. Because I couldn't deny that it wasn't true, a part of me believed it for a few days and I struggled in a major way. I was afraid to fully believe it, but once a seed is planted it is hard to uproot. Surprise, surprise, for those few days I couldn't journal or fully engage in my time with God. I realized that I was letting a dream affect me and I decided to not let it anymore. I sought after God with a new intensity and I felt the most overwhelming peace. My mom was fine, God told me. I'd been telling myself the same thing for days, but it wasn't working. The minute God's peace spread over me, I didn't worry anymore because I knew that He was there. Watching over me in Swaziland, and watching over my family in the states. It was a test of learning to not trust only myself but to trust God above all else. It's a process and I'm learning. Thankfully, God is patient because He loves me oh so much. =)