Humbled.

This is a young man we met in Bulembu,Swaziland. His story is amazing and God is working in His life. Listen to his story then look at your own lives. If you're not humbled, then you're not looking inward hard enough.

God, protect Andrew tonight and every night. Guide his path and make Your way known to Him. I pray this not only for Andrew, but for all of your precious children in Bulembu. <3

Create in me a clean heart, O God

I was reading through the journal that I kept in Swaziland today and came across a devotion that I did in one of our morning meetings. It was about Psalm 51:10 which says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Something that I was really convicted of in Swazi was the fact that we tend to use God as an ATM card with no limit. We do this because we read Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." I've heard the phrase, "Don't worry. God promises to give you the desires of your heart," so many times and I know that God does give us the desires of our heart when we delight in Him. But what does it mean to delight in the Lord? I don't have the answer to that one. But what I do know is that we need to have a clean heart before God. David called out to God asking Him to give him a clean heart and a right, or steadfast, spirit. My breakthrough this summer was realizing that before God can give you the desires of your heart, your heart must be clean before Him. God knows our hearts. He knows them better than we know them ourselves, but He still calls us to seek after Him with our whole hearts. ("But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." - Deuteronomy 4:29) ALL of our heart and ALL of our soul means that we've put Him above all else including our desires. We give it all to follow Him and like the perfect Father He is, He rewards us.

God, create in me a clean heart and a right spirit. Help me to follow You with my whole heart. I put my trust and my desires in You and You alone. <3

9/11

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the horrible disaster we call 9/11. I know that every time I see those numbers together, my heart jumps a little with sadness. It seems like so long ago and yet it was only 10 years ago. I was 11. I didn't understand. MSNBC re-aired the newscast from the day in 2001 and as I watched it, I was 11 again. The same feelings were there, but there was greater understanding. When I was 11, I watched the picture of the towers burning. Today, I listened to what the newscasters said. It was a strange mix of sadness and anger because I now know how many people lost their lives that day and it was an incredible tragedy. One of the greatest of our time. I mourn for the families who lost their dear ones and pray that God keeps them in His arms for the rest of their days as He's done the last 10 years. One thing that kept ringing in my mind was that God has not abandoned us. In the midst of this great tragedy, He was still present. He promised to never leave us and He never will.

As you've probably noticed, everything ties back to Swazi for me. It is the same with this situation. I remember being in Swazi without internet or a computer or a phone or tv. It was incredibly freeing and amazing, but we had no idea what was going on back in the states. There was a bad storm and tornado in MA when I was gone and I had no idea that it had happened. I had a nightmare one night that my mom had been killed. Because I couldn't deny that it wasn't true, a part of me believed it for a few days and I struggled in a major way. I was afraid to fully believe it, but once a seed is planted it is hard to uproot. Surprise, surprise, for those few days I couldn't journal or fully engage in my time with God. I realized that I was letting a dream affect me and I decided to not let it anymore. I sought after God with a new intensity and I felt the most overwhelming peace. My mom was fine, God told me. I'd been telling myself the same thing for days, but it wasn't working. The minute God's peace spread over me, I didn't worry anymore because I knew that He was there. Watching over me in Swaziland, and watching over my family in the states. It was a test of learning to not trust only myself but to trust God above all else. It's a process and I'm learning. Thankfully, God is patient because He loves me oh so much. =)

Happy birthday to me...tomorrow ;)

On the eve of my 21st birthday, I find myself unable to do homework. Not surprising because this is an exciting time, but it's for a different reason than the normal excitement that birthdays bring. I find myself thinking of Bulembu and each of the children that reside there. I wonder how many of them have had their birthdays this week and if any of them share a birthday with me. For birthdays in Bulembu, the children are given a doughnut as their present. It would be very hard to find an 8 year old child in the US that would be happy with one doughnut as their present. But these children - these amazing children - are overjoyed at the fact that someone is celebrating them. Some of these children come in without knowing their birthdays. Some of them have to be estimated because there is no record. Either way, birthdays are not the focus of their lives...the family is. Birthdays are more than presents and cakes and party hats. Birthdays are the celebration of someone's life. In Bulembu it's the celebration of someone's life along with the celebration of life in general. These children have hopes and futures and that is definitely something to celebrate more than once a year.

So as I look on to the next stage of my life, I am thankful for my life and where God has led me and where He will lead me in the future. I am overjoyed at the fact that I had the opportunity to fly 8,000 miles to encounter some of the most amazing people I will ever meet in my life. And as I turn the infamous 21 tomorrow, I say a happy birthday to my family and friends who reside in Bulembu. I celebrate your lives daily because my life was impacted by yours and I am forever grateful. <3

random thoughts...

I had an entire blog post ready to put up, but I realized it could all be communicated in a few short sentences:

-I've realized that Swaziland was the single most growing experience in my life and that a lot of the growing up was done when I got back.
-I'm still completely in love with it and long to go back. It helps that I have about 120 pictures up on my wall so I wake up and go to sleep to those memories every night.
-I'm so thankful for Gordon and the things I've learned here. This is a special place and God brought me here for many reasons - some of which I'm starting to see.
-I'm a senior. I'll be in the real world sooner than I think and I'm ready. Gordon and God have prepared me for the next step in my life.
-I have the most amazing friends. They are why I've become who I am. They've each shaped me in different ways and have shown me some of the different ways that Christ can work through people.
-God is incredible. He is constantly surprising me and showing me new sides of Him. He is pursuing me and I'm loving every second of it!


These are my random thoughts of the night. There will be more to come this weekend.

Jeremiah 29:11

One for the moms

I'm officially moved into my new apartment on campus at Gordon! It was a really fun and thought-provoking move. I moved onto campus for the last time. I'm a Senior. What does the rest of my life hold for me? One thing that I could not stop thinking about was how thankful I am for such a wonderful mother. Sure, we have our disagreements, but we are so similar that we usually seem to know what each other is thinking before she says it. I'm thankful for my mom especially since I got back from Bulembu and this is why:

I remember our first Sunday in Bulembu as clearly as if it were yesterday. Walking in to the large one-room structure with a half-built brick wall. They were creating a more sturdy and lasting structure and that was their church. I remember looking at the stage and singing songs, all while being aware of the 300+ orphans sitting behind our team. We hadn't met our families yet, so we sat separate from the kids and Aunties. I'm listening to the children sing songs in siSwati with gusto like I've never heard before. I close my eyes and soak in every sound my ears will hear. I open my eyes and fixate them on the cross behind the worship band. I thank God silently for this amazing opportunity and for these kids. Chelsea and I had volunteered to help with the kid's Sunday School that first week, so we left before the offering to lead the kids over to another building. As we walk out of the building, kids are running by. Some glance our way, but most know they need to get to children's church. All of the sudden, I feel this little hand inside mine. I look down and there is this little girl walking beside me with her hand in mine. She gazes up at me and smiles all while singing the song, Somlandela (I'll post the words to it below). It gave me chills to hear this precious child singing a song about following God wherever He may lead. Another thought struck me as we were walking. The thought that these kids are orphans. I think that word scared me. What does it mean to truly be an orphan? Some may have families outside of Bulembu, some may not. Some may have miraculous stories of being rescued, and some may be in Bulembu for the chance at a better life. Either way, these kids were here without their parents. Some had siblings in Bulembu which was such a blessing! As I contemplated what it meant to truly be an orphan, I was struck by another thought. These kids may be orphans in the technical sense, but they aren't orphans in God's eyes. They have the most amazing Father looking down on them and showering them with the greatest love. They are loved by the Aunties and a family is truly created in the houses. The night we stayed for dinner, some of the older kids and I got to talking about families and after I talked about my family, they shared some of their own personal lives and stories of their families. Timmy came and sat on my lap and I turned to him and asked him if he had any family. He looks at me with a look of genuine confusion and says, "Uh yeah, you know all of them." He meant the family that was in the room with us. Those kids became his family. The Aunties and Timmy's friends became his family. That completely changed the way I thought about family. There are blood relatives which are so great! There are close friends who know you almost as well as relatives. The list goes on and on. Either way, there's more than one way to define a family. When I left Bulembu, I left with 2 more families: my team and my Swazi family.

You may be wondering what this has to do with my own mother. Well, as you know, in the houses there are Aunties. I couldn't help but think that my mom would love being an Auntie in one of the houses.They pour themselves so selflessly into those kids and do so willingingly. Sure, there are some conflicts, but they handle them with grace and look to Christ for guidance. My mother has done that my entire life, but most notably the last few weeks. I worked a little bit this summer to make some money, but for most of it I was catching up on dentist and doctor appointments. They were much needed and this was the first time in years I'd taken the time to do them. When I found out I had to have my wisdom teeth out, I knew it had to be at least 2 weeks before the insanity of Orientation began so I scheduled an appointment and got all 4 of them out! (They were all impacted and had extra roots!) It was really painful after my surgery and I was out of it for a few days because of it. Through all of it, my mom was so patient and caring and selfless and it meant so much to me. As a college student, I sometimes think that I can do everything myself and that I can take care of myself always. That's just not true. By nature, we have a need for other people. Whether that is a parent, friend, or significant other. Isolation leads to madness. So thank you mom, for refreshing the fact that I need people and that I need you. <3

Auntie Freda-i miss you terribly, but i know that you're being the most amazing mother to those kids who so desperately need you. <3

Good morning world!

I thought I would start this post out with a picture as you can tell. This is what I woke up to every morning in Swaziland. I actually woke up to pinks, purples, oranges and reds, but by the time I got ready, gave out the morning wake-up call, and got outside to take a picture, it looked like this. For the wake-up call to my room of the wonderful Chelsea and Ashleigh, I would open the shade to my window and say quietly to myself, "Good morning Africa!"

This was the window that was right next to my bed. (By the way, this was an accidental picture, but I really like it! =)) That tree that you see through the window should look familiar because it's the same tree from the first picture. Anyway, it was a wonderful way to start my morning at 6ish every day. Now I've never been that early of a riser, but I absolutely loved the schedule we were on when we were there. We would go to bed anywhere between 8:30pm-10:30pm every night and would be up for a 6:35am team meeting/devos. I saw the sun rise every single morning starting with the morning we flew into South Africa. I can't even express how beautiful and eye-opening that was. Most mornings, I would end up waking up about 6, but one morning I couldn't sleep past 5:15. I finally rolled out of bed about 5:30 and got ready for the day and went out to the common room to journal and read the Bible. Observe below the common room:

So after I headed out there, I opened the shade and watched the most beautiful sunrise. God then led me to read Psalm 63:1, "O God, You are my God. Early I will seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water."

I then wrote this:

"God, You are amazing. Words cannot express everything You've done in my life. This morning has been refreshing. I've loved waking up early and watching an absolutely beautiful sunrise. Thank you for waking me up this morning to spend time with You and watch it. God, I long for you. I long to seek You always. You are what my heart desires. Lord, let me keep my eyes solely on You always. You have my life in Your hands - do with it what you please. God, I wish others could see and experience this place. Your presence is so tangible and Your people are so in love with You. Help me to be on fire for You like the people here when I go back home. Help me to exude Your love to others. At this point, my mind can't wrap around the fact that I'm leaving in 2 weeks. This went far too quickly..." 

I did not get a chance to finish this post in the craziness of everything, but I think you get the gist of where my mind was at this morning. Now, you might be asking yourself, what prompted me to say anything remotely like this and what does this have to do with anything? Well, be patient! I'm getting there! ;)
The first 3 days after I returned from Swaziland, I could not sleep past 6am. Actually, the first day I was back, I was wide-eyed and bushy-tailed at 4:30am. I had gone for a run, uploaded pictures, written in my journal, eaten a nice breakfast, and taken a shower all before 6:35am. It was crazy, but I know that God got me up that early to ease back into life here. Well, since then I've been getting up anytime between 6:45am and 11:15am. Quite the range, I know. Lately it's been on the later side. This morning, God had different plans. I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday and I had to wake myself up about every 3-4 hours last night to take my meds for swelling and pain. I had a 4 hour chunk of time that I was really excited to be able to sleep from 2am-6am. But, like I said, God had other plans. I woke up wide awake at 5:30am. I didn't know why until I realized that He just wanted to spend some time with me. I went on a short walk and sat down to get my thoughts out. But before I did any of that I walked to the window and looked out at the barely risen sun as it shined through the trees behind my house. I kept thinking over in my mind, "This is normally when I would have said "Good morning Africa!"" It made me sad for a minute, but then I realized that Africa had their sunrise over 6 hours ago and that I don't need to say good morning to Africa only. So, instead of letting it get me down, I said, "Good morning world!" I figured I covered all of my bases with that one. God doesn't just work in Africa. He doesn't only love Africa. He is everywhere in the world and no matter where I am, that place deserves a good morning greeting. Needless to say, I have a new perspective on sunrises and waking up early since being back from my beloved Africa. When I wake up early now, I know there's usually a reason and that I need to listen to what God is telling me. Somehow, I'm more attentive to Him in the mornings when I see the beauty He's created in the magnificent colors of a sunrise.

"I see Your face in every sunrise. The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day. I look up to the sky and say - You're beautiful."

-Phil Wickham - You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham

Thank you, magnificent Creator for giving me a wonderful gift this morning and every morning. You are truly beautiful and Your creation reflects that beauty. <3